Want to move , husband does not

(5 Posts)
Saza09 Fri 05-Aug-16 21:47:25

Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.

Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.

Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .

The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.

It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).

After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing for him.to agree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x

Dozer Fri 05-Aug-16 21:53:23

I think it's unreasonable to be so angry with him for not wanting to move.

What would YOU do for work? What if his employer in the future wouldn't let him just do three days?

Dozer Fri 05-Aug-16 21:55:32

Your wishes and his have equal importance, but the economic factors and that you've got a good set up in London tilts things in his favour IMO.

EweAreHere Fri 05-Aug-16 22:02:04

His career is in London.

If you have to pick between staying married and living in Ireland (which may not be the life you think it will be some 20 years later) ... what do you value more?

Rather than asking your husband to commute week in and week out between countries, on top of his busy work schedule (which helps support you and your children), perhaps you should take the burden of travel. That kind of commute will take a toll on his career and your family. Maybe you should commit to do the commuting 1 or weekends a month to see your parents instead. It sounds like your dream, not his. And it's not what he signed up for, from the sounds of it.

SirNiallDementia Fri 05-Aug-16 22:08:58

It sounds like your husband and children are well settled and happy in London. It also sounds like your husband will be inconvenienced by moving to Ireland in that he will have to commute to London. Commuting that distance is no fun at all and massively eats into your home life (my DH does it and it sucks for all of us).

So I think you're being selfish to uproot everyone so that you can live in Ireland. You might not even like it as it's probably changed a lot in 20 years, friends have moved away etc.

I think the best solution would be as PPs said for you to go home more often to see your parents and to pay for your parents to come over and stay with you.

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