Sex chatrooms

(5 Posts)
Gesuz Wed 03-Aug-16 20:46:32

A few years ago, when I became pregnant with our first child, my husband announced he wanted to see a counsellor. Following several sessions, he told me that he had been sexually abused as a child and now as an adult had been addicted to porn and chatrooms for the past 10 or so years This was a massive shock, as we had been together since teenagers (now in 30s) and I had no idea. I felt very hurt and betrayed, but rather than making an issue of this, tried my best to be supportive as he wanted to address his problems before becoming a parent himself.
I was not able to talk to anyone about this at the time and thought this was in the past, as he banned himself from using the sites. Yesterday, i asked if he ever still did this and he said he did but no where near like he used to.
I feel really let down and hurt by this, not so much the porn (though he himself thinks this is degrading to women) but the chatrooms. He is an otherwise brilliant husband, dad, and my best friend. I don't know whether I just need to let it go, as I think this behaviour is somehow linked to his abuse (albeit played out between consenting adults), or ask him to stop.
Would/does anyone else tolerate this?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 03-Aug-16 20:48:48

No I wouldn't tolerate this at all in fact I'd probably leave. Hard when you have a child together but I couldn't get past it.

ThinkPinkStink Fri 05-Aug-16 14:04:06

Oh jeepers.

It's hard:

1. He recognised the issue (and took responsibility for trying to find a fix before he became a father)

2. He tried to fix the issue by volunteering for counselling (he knew what he was doing was wrong, and tried to take ownership of it)

3. He made you aware of the the moment he had gained the confidence/tools to do so

4. He probably had some really fucked up experiences as a child which have shaped his view of sexuality

5. He is seemingly being honest with you, it would be very easy for him to say that he was no longer indulging

For me - those five things are all important.

Due to number 4, I would imagine that sex sits in a weird part of his brain and is wrapped up with guilt, blame, shame and other negative emotions. So it wouldn't surprise me if he's getting no pleasure whatsoever out of the porn and chat lines. It's just that sex and guilt have become the same thing, in some circumstance.

If it were me, I'd try to find a way to make it work - I don't think that the way in which you've described your relationship makes him sound 'bad' or 'disrespectful' he is just a bit broken in that way, through no fault of his own. And he is seeking help.

It's your choice, of course - everyone has different tolerances of what they will or won't accept and under which circumstances. So there really is no right answer xx

SpecialAgentFreyPie Fri 05-Aug-16 14:53:26

Excellent post Pink

Gesuz Mon 08-Aug-16 20:15:03

Thank you pink. I think you are right. We had a long chat about it after I got over the initial hurt and felt able to talk. He offered that we could go separately or together to a counsellor and asked if I could be an administrator on our internet so that I could manage the parental controls, as this would make it that little bit harder for him to access stuff. I didn't ask him to stop, as I think it needs to come from him, but he can see that it effects me and our relationship, and says he doesn't want it in his life.
Thanks again, you really helped me get this into perspective.

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