Am I being grabby regarding child maintenance?

(36 Posts)
IveGotCheese Sun 24-Jul-16 11:50:21

Dd's dad pays £150 a month CM. We used to have an arrangement with CMS but then when the collection fees were introduced he begged me to just have an arrangement between ourselves and I agreed.

The amount he pays is based on his job he has when DD was born. He now has a much better job and I found out he got this job around the time he begged me to have an arrangement between ourselves but he never told me. I read online that the job he does has an average minimum salary of £20,000 a year.

According to the estimated calculations on the CMS website based on the 20,000, he should be paying me an extra £50 a month. Could be more or less than that depending on his actual wage but his wage has definitely gone up.

I know I should be grateful I get anything because some women don't but I'm on my own and I work and pay for childcare and make sure DD has everything she wants and needs and I go without everything. I currently have holes in my £2.99 shoes because I feel guilty for buying more. He sacrifices nothing at all and he pays for nothing except the manitenance. I used to have to provide wipes, nappies etc when she wasn't potty trained. I buy all of her clothes and I pay an awful lot more out than he does for her. He can afford a mortgage, new cars and holidays abroad but grumbles about paying £150 a month for his daughter.

He tells me I'm a scrounger for taking money off him and prior to the CMS being involved he refused to pay and his mum forced him to buy DD a tub of formula per week (I suspect she bought it) and he used to say I should be grateful as he was nice enough to do that and that he wasn't legally required to pay anything especially since he chose not to see her. He had a rude awakening when the CMS got in touch with him and told him what he should be paying.

He now sees her one or two days a week, no overnights and he doesn't miss payments but I do have to remind him. He doesn't buy her clothes, shoes or anything and I have to send her with spares.

Am I being grabby to get our case reassessed based on his new wage and see what he should be paying me and ask him for the amount? I see so many women on here bashing on the ex for taking maintenance and calling them money grabbers and I feel like people might say it about me.

WWYD in my situation?

Fourormore Sun 24-Jul-16 11:53:53

Not grabby at all. Show him the calculator and ask him to pay the right amount, otherwise you'll ask the CMS for an assessment. It'll cost you £20 but it seems like it would be worth it. The 20%/4% collection charges only kick in if he refuses to pay and the CMS have to collect the money from him.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Sun 24-Jul-16 11:55:31

The money is for your child. Don't get caught up in guilty thoughts. He has a financial responsibility for his child and should pay the correct amount. The full amount. That's it.

Please do not get caught up in any nonsense. Why should he need reminding every month?

Well I have a few thoughts about that but I'll keep them to myself.

RandomMess Sun 24-Jul-16 11:57:59

YANBU just go back to CMS

IveGotCheese Sun 24-Jul-16 11:59:08

Fourormore thanks, I'm not 100% on what he actually earns and I think he would lie about it anyway so paying the £20 would definitely be worth it just to get an approximate amount. I think he would not want to pay an extra 20% on top of a new amount so he wouldn't have a choice but to pay me the right amount they set

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Sun 24-Jul-16 11:59:40

The fact that there is no shared care/over nights will also affect the amount.

BeMorePanda Sun 24-Jul-16 12:00:23

You are not being grabby at all. Go for it! !

IveGotCheese Sun 24-Jul-16 12:01:00

SetPhasersTaeMalkie he 'forgets' every month and I have to text him to remind him to transfer the money. I think he likes the power of me having to ask him if I'm honest

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Sun 24-Jul-16 12:03:38

That's exactly what I thought. Mine did that to me too. Making me practically beg every bloody month to get a tiny little amount.

TheUnsullied Sun 24-Jul-16 12:05:43

Ignore his guilt tripping. It costs far more than twice what he's giving to raise a child. In fact, do better than ignore it. Tell him if he carries on you'll start a CMS claim so that the recalculation happen automatically and he'll be moved onto the chargeable service if he frequently forgets. I'd have stayed with CMS tbf. It takes all the guilt tripping and bartering out of it. My ex pays the legal minimum he has to but I don't have to fight for it.

Diamogs Sun 24-Jul-16 12:06:19

You're not being grabby at all.

XH pays 60% over what he should according to CMS calc, I don't consider it as me being grabby, I'm raising his children, he should be providing for them, as your ex should be providing for yours.

TinySalmon Sun 24-Jul-16 12:06:38

Not grabby at all. Grabby is DP's ex who receives £2,000 a month for one child and expects DP to goes halves in birthday and Christmas presents on top of that hmm

BusStopBetty Sun 24-Jul-16 12:07:30

He absolutely should pay the full amount and you should never, ever feel guilty for doing the best for your child. It's not grabby to want your child to be fed, clothed and housed.

IveGotCheese Sun 24-Jul-16 12:09:34

SetPhasersTaeMalkie I hate having to ask him, it feels like begging. He refuses to set up a direct debit or standing order just to have that bit of power. He tells people I am obsessed with his money and that's all I care about hmm which is why I'm a bit reluctant to get in touch with the CMS again

dwinnol Sun 24-Jul-16 12:12:54

Not at all grabby. I would ask CM to do an assessment without discussing it with him - it would cost you a one off payment of £20 but they are super nice and it's very easy. They will look at his earnings and as along as he is not self employed he won't be able to lie to them. Then once they've calculated what he should be paying they will offer you both the option to carry on the new payments without their intervention or charge. However if he pays 10days later they will pay you and move him to the charging system. Also they will not allow him to change the payments unless his income rises or falls significantly. It means you can budget better.
You are not asking him for a favour but to contribute towards his child's needs.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Sun 24-Jul-16 12:15:17

Don't give him the power. He tells people you're grabby? Do they tell you this?

Other people thinking things or saying things doesn't put food on your table. The CMS will.

SparkleSoiree Sun 24-Jul-16 12:17:47

Wow, I know people have varying incomes but you seem to be paying the lion's. share of everything.

When DH and his exw split the youngest was 2 and DH gave her a lump sum to cover all full time childcare fees until the youngest started school or else her salary would have been swallowed up by fees leaving her with nothing to live on through the month. That was a separate payment from his CM payment which he has increased each year in line with salary increases. They do it privately but if she ever wanted to see his payslips he wouldn't have an issue with that.

My exh however was more of a cockwomble. He did everything possible to hide his true income and the CSA were useless in collecting anything so that died a death.

Your child should be financially supported by both parents and as a priority. You certainly don't sound like you are being grabby at all and you should certainly do what you can to ensure he is paying his fair share of looking after his child.

Actually just read again that he calls you a Scrounger when you can't even afford a decent pair of shoes. Time for that man to feel some heat I think. When you start the process it would be wise not to discuss it with him bearing in mind his current attitude.

Good luck.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Sun 24-Jul-16 12:19:05

Yes, good luck. Please get back in touch with the CMS.

IveGotCheese Sun 24-Jul-16 12:19:51

TheUnsullied yeah it was much easier going through them but he had started being a better dad and seemed to have grown up so I thought I would give him a chance and he has stuck to payments so far but I still get little digs here and there and hear stuff from friends about what he says about me. It's annoying

Diamogs thanks, I wish my ex was like that and thought about his child more rather than how he feels about me

TinySalmon bloody hell, that's more than my whole monthly income including CM. I never ask him for anything else, I won't even be asking him to go halves with uniforms etc when she starts school

BusStopBetty thanks

IveGotCheese Sun 24-Jul-16 12:20:41

Posted too soon BusStopBetty. Thanks, I suppose it's the downside of being a mum feeling guilty for most things

skatesection Sun 24-Jul-16 12:23:12

He just sounds like a manipulative dickhead. "She's so grabby, all she cares about it my money, oh these collection fees, no direct debits for me!" Give me a break.
It's what CMS are for, people like this.

MadisonMontgomery Sun 24-Jul-16 12:25:40

Just go back to the CMS. You have nothing to feel bad about - what kind of parent doesn't willingly provide for their child?

dwinnol Sun 24-Jul-16 12:29:47

Actually may it would be best for you not to mention it to your ex so that he doesn't have opportunity to hide his earnings before CM have a chance to assess him.

IveGotCheese Sun 24-Jul-16 12:30:07

dwinnol thanks, I think i will get in contact with them and not discuss it with him like you advised

SetPhasersTaeMalkie yeah his mum is best friend with my dad's cousin so we find out what they say about me. I'm a scrounger who trapped him just to claim £150 a month and so I could go on benefits and use my child as an income even though I had a job when I was pregnant that I went back to after maternity and am still working there confused

SparkleSoiree he is an arse. He so desperately wanted me to fail as a parent due to me having PND but I haven't and he hates it and CM is the only thing he can at me for. He makes out he is such a hero for paying for his child even though i'm the one paying for most of it all. Thanks smile

TheUnsullied Sun 24-Jul-16 12:32:36

As far as the bad mouthing goes Cheese, comfort yourself with this: there will be people he says these things to who have thought so little about it that they blindly agree with him. Then there will be people who don't actually agree but make the right noises for the sake of social harmony. But one day he'll bad mouth you to someone like me who'll give him a dose of reality and highlight how shitty a person he is paying so little to keep his children fed and clothed and making you beg for even that.

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