If your teen has just said she has tried a bit of dope and occasional puff of cigarette - -and she is about to go to a festival

(25 Posts)
ginorwine Sat 23-Jul-16 18:05:39

I've always told my teens I would prefer the truth even if it's not what I want to hear
My 17 y o dd is due to go to a festival . We were chatting this afternoon and she said that in her friendship group one smokes dope regularly and most others smoke
She said that she smoke a occasionally at parties -and very occasionally a drag or two of dope
I know this can be normal but I wish her group didn't smoke .
Whilst I'm glad she told me I am v concerned about the festival and Dh has said ( to me ) she can't go .
I feel that action would put her off confiding in me in future though .
W w u d ?

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected Sat 23-Jul-16 18:08:31

well assuming she's being honest… I'ld be bloody chuffed if that was all my kids friends are doing at 17

Dutchcourage Sat 23-Jul-16 18:12:08

I believed my dd when she 'confessed' to a teeny bit but it really was the tip of the iceberg. I was shock but luckily - thank god it was just a phase.

I genuinly believe that most teenagers will only tell you what you want to hear or what they want you to know.

My dd was 16 at the time and it was harder stuff so she got grounded for a long time but at 17 can you really stop her?

I'd let her go and try and talk to her about the down sides and to make herself safe.

At some point we have to let them go and try and trust them not to be an arse hole and fuck up.

FiveFullFathoms Sat 23-Jul-16 18:13:15

Gosh, don't ban her from going. She's nearly an adult and is obviously close enough to you to confide in you, which is great. The ocassional cigarette and a drag or two of dope is pretty much par for the course for older teenagers surely?

lljkk Sat 23-Jul-16 18:13:23

Honestlly... my first thought was, I would say things like.

"How did you like it?"
"Does that mean you're drinking too?"
"Who pays for this stuff, anyway?"
"Aren't you worried about the health problems?"
"Who else is smoking a lot?"
"I don't want you to get into trouble or get too fond of it. Smoking that stuff can totally ruin your life."
and move the conversation onto acknowledging there are risks to be managed, and talking thru with her how she expects to manage them.

Is she a barely 17, can you realistically ban her from going?

JennyOnAPlate Sat 23-Jul-16 18:13:45

I'm not sure you can actually ban a 17 year old from doing anything!

ginorwine Sat 23-Jul-16 18:31:19

We have not paid for ticket yet
Yes I'm glad she told me and there is no way I Wd jepodise our close relationship by saying she can't go when she has confided in me - it's Dh idea that she doesn't go - I was meaning I'm concerned for her when she does go .
I did talk about the risks
And she does drink - was taken to a and e by me once as she was out of it and needed hydration . I let her drink wine with me I the house and at restraunts sometimes but yes she drinks at parties
To me it's about trust that she will look after herself but from my own teen experience that's hard to do if you are drunk etc .
Maybe as a mother you just have to give the best info - which I have tried to do .
I'm v glad she is ( partly !) honest with me .

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected Sat 23-Jul-16 18:32:43

I would just use it as a gateway to discussing legal hight - at festivals they'ld be my bigger worry

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected Sat 23-Jul-16 18:32:55

legal highs

NewStickers Sat 23-Jul-16 18:33:21

I wouldn't ban her from going but I would make sure she knows how to get medical advice at the festival (there will be a tent run by St. John's ambulance or similar) and be mch more curious about how she likes it and how she pays for it. recreational drug use is normal. You want to make sure you're in a position to be confided in if it becomes anything more serious.

ginorwine Sat 23-Jul-16 18:34:02

Lijkk
Yes I agree but I don't know how to help her manage the risks
I mean apart from stay with people you know
Get help if worried
But if everyone is doing same thing then they will all have impaired judgement won't they ?

DropYourSword Sat 23-Jul-16 18:35:57

I think it would be a shame and counter productive to punish her honesty. At least she is telling you this stuff.

ginorwine Sat 23-Jul-16 18:36:50

Drop
I agree
I'm just in worried mother mode 😞

ginorwine Sat 23-Jul-16 18:37:47

I always wanted my d c to be open and I'm glad for this
Just felt panic !

hollinhurst84 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:39:02

Be glad she's told you. And discuss weed v (ill)legal highs. Seriously they are horrendous and I would rather someone drank/smoked weed because at least paramedics know how to treat and deal with that. Maybe chat about peer pressure, what to do if you feel ill etc

ginorwine Sat 23-Jul-16 18:40:02

Adult
Please can you tell me more re legal highs ?
New - yes I have talked about not being afraid to ask for help at festival
She just had dregs of others .

LanaorAna1 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:43:11

She's bound to be fine. But tell her about the link between weed and psychosis and point out a) it's a lot stronger than anyone admits because most people smoke skunk these days b) you have the choice to smoke dope, you don't have the choice to suddenly stop being mad.

At her age, all you see is people doing drugs; at our age all you see is drugs doing people over. Explain there may be results, and none of them is pretty.

hollinhurst84 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:45:12

http://m.talktofrank.com/drug/new-psychoactive-substances

hollinhurst84 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:46:35

This should link to the 999 episode about them. If it doesn't it's series 3, episode 2
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/999-whats-your-emergency/on-demand/59274-002

BeautifulMaudOHara Sat 23-Jul-16 18:57:07

I'd honestly be pleased she told me
And I'd tell her I trust her to be sensible

lljkk Sat 23-Jul-16 18:59:54

If not at the festival, there will be another opportunity. So you want to empower her to make good choices whenever the risk presents. From what OP is saying, I would still buy the ticket, but with a chat first about why I had reservations. Which are about her safety, who are these people, will they mess up her life. So by buying the ticket I'd be trusting her not to do anything stupid/get in trouble. This and every such future event is going to be a test for her, and for me to trust her. "Let's see how it goes."

I don't know how to help her manage the risks

Keep her talking to you, so you've done well there already. At the right point in the conversation, when talking about the general situation, I slip in my opinions like these:

"Never drink so much that it makes you feel like doing stupid things.
Binge drinking is just plain being stupid, that isn't what fun looks like.
Just because your friends do something stupid, is not a reason for you to do it, too.
I will always hold you responsible for what YOU choose to do. And I don't want to worry you're going to do something stupid.
You don't know what you're being given or where that shit's been, so think very carefully about smoking or taking it.
Messing with that stuff could screw up your other plans in life."

They say that kids at lowest risk of substance abuse are the ones who have too many other plans; too much to lose.

(Sorry for stupid long post): the other one is E, it's still very popular. I think I'd have a frank discussion about how it makes people thirsty to their peril. Maybe that's a point to get her to read up about it so that if her "friends" ever take E, she knows how to look after them.

Longlost10 Sat 23-Jul-16 19:01:33

And I'd tell her I trust her to be sensible

Well, its not sensible to smoke dope, is it. Its stupid, irresponsible, criminal and immoral.

You cannot condone this.

ginorwine Sat 23-Jul-16 19:03:43

Thank s all
It does make me feel afraid
We have covered the phychosis risk - a lovely friend of ours had a phychotic breakdown
It's just I remember what it is like being young and feeling what the heck or it will never happen to me type of feeling and whilst we can talk at home it may be different in the festival fields - gulp

Helenluvsrob Sat 23-Jul-16 19:09:54

My usual technique in situation like this is to listen , advise of the risks factually ( talk to frank us a good site ) then ask them ti think about making wise, safe choices.

KittyKrap Sat 23-Jul-16 19:29:32

Yep listen.
I had the same with my DS16 last year. We, me and DH (his stepdad) explained the risks and thanked him for telling us etc. He now avoids some of those friends through his own choice, we're not naive as myself and DH have done far worse in our youth.

He also went to a 4 day festival earlier this year with an older friend. Loved it, got soaked but loved it.

The worst of it is if there's a big empty bottle of pop DH makes comments, 'quick hide it, before he makes a bong!!!'. Then laughs himself stupid.

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