Trial separation from marriage...children...struggling...advice/thoughts please

(1 Post)
user1466849625 Sat 25-Jun-16 12:19:02

Hi
I've not posted on here before but could really do with your advice/thoughts/anything really!
My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together 9.5. We have young children, 1 & 3.
For a number of years now we've not been good. Not rows or anything but ultimately I guess we're very different people and whilst that wasn't so much an issue when we were happy and in love, now those differences seem v big and real and coupled with that, the pressure of having young children and no support has taken its toll on our relationship.
I think I switched off a few years ago and felt like I'd fallen out of love with him and in turn shut off from him. In time, he has too and we are no longer in love with each other. We have talked significantly and honestly about things over the last 6 months or so and recently started seeing a marriage counsellor. We've pretty much been living separately but together for years anyway but a few weeks ago, after a session, decided to label it and actively live separately but together.
We've both said that if it wasn't for our children, we probably wouldn't still be together. We get on, parent well together and love and respect each other but the intimacy side/ the marriage side has been lost. We wanted to do everything to try and make it work but nothing has. How do you fall back in love with someone? It's not a magic pill you can just take...sadly.
Since the last session where we said we would label it, I've really struggled. I feel so so sad and confused and my heads all over the place. I've started to let myself think what it would be like to be loved up with him again but realistically I don't think that's going to happen. I'm not sure if I feel like this because I might lose him or because I really want it to work. I know how different we are. He feels we are living my dream and feels trapped. This makes me so sad and I think probably part of the reason I started falling out of love but really I think I felt like that pre babies.
Anyway after our session yesterday, we agreed to trial separate. He's going to look for somewhere local to rent for a couple of months and still do nursery runs and see the kids most days and perhaps every other weekend. I have no doubt he will and that we will always love each other and be good friends which if our marriage has to end, is the way I would obviously want it to be. Him too. Thing is since all this I'm now full of anxiety as to whether this is he right thing to do. Part of me knows it is and it may make us realise that we actually want it to work but may go the other way too. I am so sad at what we stand to lose but at the same time that's already kind of been lost. I also don't want to try to reconcile, realise I can't and be in a worse place or end up going backwards. If it's to work we can only go forward but I'm just so scared. Not so much being on my own but more not having the man I've known for the last nearly 10 years and my babies not having that family unit. Though neither of us are prepared to stay this way for the children...maybe that's selfish but we just can't. We both want to be happy, we want each other to be happy and we want our children to be happy.
Has anyone else gone through this? I know things will work out, I'm a firm believer that things work out the way they should but I didn't expect this anxiety and confused thought. Is it just the fear of the reality or some thing I should really think about and try to work at? I think I probably know he answers and no one can tell me what to do but I would just appreciate any thoughts/ advice from anyone who has gone through/is going through something similar.
Sorry for the lengthy post...my heads all over the shop 😔

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now