Caught him in the act

(100 Posts)
Sicktothestomach Sun 22-May-16 18:13:44

My partner and I and our two kids have just been to a big family gathering. We stayed overnight and took our boys camping (their first time).
I stayed sober. He didn't.
I went to bed when the boys did but couldn't sleep. Hours later he still wasn't there.
It got light and I went into the buildings for a wee and had a look round to see if I could find him.
I found him - giving oral sex to a woman half my age.
I confronted him, he's repentant, blah blah blah. He's still more sorry he got caught than for how he's made me feel.

Our boys are two and five. The older one has anxiety issues at the moment.
What the fuck am I going to do?

We've been together 9 years. We'd been talking about getting married (the kids kept asking us about it).

I will never trust him again. But our boys need their dad and I can't support us if he's not here. So, because I don't want to make any rash decisions, he's still here.
But I'm not sure pretending things are "normal" can work.

pleasethankyouthankyouplease Sun 22-May-16 18:14:54

Leave .

pleasethankyouthankyouplease Sun 22-May-16 18:15:15

No. Tell him to.

fastdaytears Sun 22-May-16 18:17:29

Yes, he needs to leave.

You know this isn't in the least bit ok.

Do you think he's had any contact with this girl before?

CupidsArrows Sun 22-May-16 18:17:34

Agree. Tell him to leave.

AmserGwin Sun 22-May-16 18:17:50

You caught him and he's not even sorry? Leave him, he doesn't deserve you

Sicktothestomach Sun 22-May-16 18:18:21

No she was a totally random person.

nilbyname Sun 22-May-16 18:19:21

What the fuck?

So complicated, but he's an Arse.

nilbyname Sun 22-May-16 18:19:48

How old was the girl op

Arfarfanarf Sun 22-May-16 18:20:09

do you want to stay with someone you will never trust and likely never respect again? Have sex with him? Can you imagine allowing him to do with you what you caught him doing with some strange woman?

The stuff you talk about as reasons for staying are just practicalities.

They don't chain you to him. leaving is possible - may not be easy, may not be comfortable, but it's doable.

That doesn't mean you have to decide right now. You could take time to decide what you want.

Perhaps ask him to leave in order to give you time and space to think.

If you want clarity, then that is unlikely to happen with him there, wanting to play happy families.

Unless he is as shit a dad as he has proven himself as a partner, he will still be there for his children, whether he is in a relationship with you or not. Unless you think his love for his children is dependent on him being in a relationship with you? In which case that's more reason to leave, not less.

But whether it will be your decision to leave or stay, pretending things are normal will not worth. Whatever your choice, this isn't something you are going to be able to brush under the carpet. It's going to need to be talked about and dealt with.

I'm sorry he's shit all over you like this thanks

NapQueen Sun 22-May-16 18:20:28

You carry on in this relationship you are (1) condoning what he did and (2) ensuring he knows full well that you can't leave and so (3) he can and will do it again.

Make. Him. Go.

Littleballerina Sun 22-May-16 18:20:52

Can anyone look after the children for a few days while you catch up with your thoughts?
How are you managing to be in the same house as him?
I can't imagine op sad

Sicktothestomach Sun 22-May-16 18:21:11

Ok, is there anyone who's actually been in this position?
What did you do?
What would you have done different?

He is saying he's sorry but I don't think the gravity of the situation has sunk in yet.

dilys4trevor Sun 22-May-16 18:21:23

Christ. You can never unsee that.

And he has obviously done it before.

I'm so sorry. Also been cheated on by father of my kids. With a number of women I suspect.

I'm still in shock 4 months on.

LIZS Sun 22-May-16 18:24:47

He's sorry ? Really? It could hardly have happened by accident and he clearly didn't care who might happen upon them . What else had he got up to on the meantime that you didn't catch him at? hmm

He needs to go, you can and will manage one way or another.

Sicktothestomach Sun 22-May-16 18:25:30

I'm not talking about carrying on a relationship with him. I'm talking about us sharing the house. I've told him we're over.

He's a good dad, the kids think the world of him and they'd be destroyed if he left.

And I can't manage on my own. Not at this stage.

Yes these are all practicalities. I need ways of moving forward.

Unfortunately there is nobody else to look after the kids - being with them is keeping me grounded anyway.

LIZS Sun 22-May-16 18:27:29

What do you see as the barriers to you managing without him physically living there - financial, practical, emotional ? You need to put yourself first.

Sicktothestomach Sun 22-May-16 18:29:11

And for background - I'm a stay at home mum, I haven't got enough training or qualifications to earn enough to keep us going financially. And besides I really don't want my kids in full time childcare.

LIZS Sun 22-May-16 18:32:09

But he'd still have to support the dc financially and you can claim benefits including income support until dc2 is 5 (currently) which gives you time to train and gain confidence. What did you do before dc1?

Littleballerina Sun 22-May-16 18:32:11

I ended my relationship and had nothing. It was scary but 4 years later I'm in a better place emotionally, financially etc and oddly the dc have a relationship with their children.
It is hard but harder to stay.
Go to CAB, they gave me excellent advice. I took a friend for support and sobbed the whole way through.

Littleballerina Sun 22-May-16 18:33:13

*with their dad

eternalopt Sun 22-May-16 18:35:31

He needs to understand the gravity immediately. He has to pack a bag and leave the family home tonight, and leave you alone for at least a few days to get your head straight. And you need some real life support pronto. Anyone you're happy to confide in who could come round and hand hold? I'm so sorry - this must feel awful xxx

StableButDeluded Sun 22-May-16 18:36:43

I was suddenly turned into a single, stay at home mum when my husband left me after 20 years. I thought my world had fallen in, I couldn't imagine how I would manage financially. Never mind emotionally.
Five years on and I am still in 'our' house with our child and he has re-married. I manage financially with his child maintenance plus tax credits but I do have a small income of my own as well.
You will manage. It can be done.

NewLife4Me Sun 22-May-16 18:38:01

Joined in grin

StableButDeluded Sun 22-May-16 18:38:57

And I am happier now than when I was with him. I echo the advice to contact CAB, it can be daunting at first to know where to start when your emotions are all over the place.

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