SIL and uninvited 'best man speech' - cheeky?!

(30 Posts)
ThePartyArtist Thu 21-Aug-14 15:32:46

We're getting married in 2 weeks, it'll be a small wedding abroad (where DP is from) with just immediate family (12 people altogether). We're having an outdoor ceremony, a garden drinks reception and then a meal at a restaurant.

Today my SIL-to-be declared on Facebook that she's finished writing her 'best man's speech'. This is not the first time she's referred to herself as such (months ago on FB about 'Best Man's dress' and we re-iterated that there's no best man. When we announced the wedding she asked about being bridesmaid and we told her there are none of them either).

I do think it's sweet of her to want to give a speech but a bit inappropriate of her to assume she's doing one. Remember this is a Facebook status not a message directly to us - so for all she knows we will be unaware this speech is happening until the day. The plan is for my dad to speak, then my husband and then me - I know it's not completely conventional but it's what we wanted to do. I think if SIL does a speech too it'll be overkill (that'd be a third of the party doing a speech!) However I don't want a fall out particularly as she says she's written it so may have put a lot of work into it. I wondered about deflecting her enthusiasm onto something else, like maybe at the drinks reception between the ceremony and the meal she could do a quick toast to us as Mr and Mrs... and we'd just have to hope it didn't turn into a full on speech! Or should we just tell her straight that she's not doing one? She will be aware that the restaurant part of the day is fairly informal so may assume she can do an off the cuff speech!

I know I shouldn't really be stressing about it I just think it's a bit cheeky of her!

pictish Thu 21-Aug-14 15:37:11

It is a bit, but I'd just let her do it anyway most likely.
She might surprise you by saying something lovely.

Slipshodsibyl Thu 21-Aug-14 15:38:29

Let her do it. No one minds if they are family and forbidding her might cast a pall over your lovely day.

Darquesse Thu 21-Aug-14 15:42:27

I think you should let her do it, she obviously thinks its important and if there are only twelve people, all close friends or family then who will even mind.

She sounds excited for you both, is she quite young? She might want to gush about how happy she is for you both, there are worse thing surely?

Merel Thu 21-Aug-14 15:48:04

Why is she referring to herself as the best man? Has your DH said something to her on the side to make her feel like she has a more important part in the wedding than you had originally decided?

It's very odd!

Although to be fair, I think I would be happy that she was enthusiastic enough to go to the effort of writing something and I would let her read it.

NorwaySpruce Thu 21-Aug-14 15:55:51

Aw, leave her to it.

There will be so few of you, you'll all know each other, and it will be nice for someone from your DH's family to be able to give a 'speech'.

ThePartyArtist Thu 21-Aug-14 15:56:40

I feel mean now - I know it is quite sweet of her to have prepared something. I just feel a bit thrown by her putting herself into this (made up) role and I do think wedding speeches are something you do when invited, rather than it being a free for all.

I have no idea where she got this idea from that she is best man! My partner asked her (face to face) to do a reading. He texted his other sister and asked her to be a witness. Both are aware that my two sisters will also be witness and doing a reading. Both my partner's sisters were very happy to be asked and weirdly both said they felt like the best man! My partner straight away told them there was no best man but they're being invited to do a reading and to be a witness. The witness one then let the best man thing drop. But the one who's doing a reading has referred to herself several times as best man. She's organised a stag do (which DP is very happy about so that's great) and put on FB that she'd bought her 'best man's dress' to which I replied with some nice comments about the dress, and to reiterate does she know we're not having best man / bridesmaids. So she has been told numerous times but seems intent on taking on this role.

I suppose it doesn't matter really and is quite sweet of her... but I do feel that four speeches is a bit overkill in the bit before the meal! Any ideas?

LadyLuck81 Thu 21-Aug-14 15:59:48

My brother asked be on the morning fire wedding if he could say something at the speeches. Me slotted him in without a problem and he said the most beautiful things. I didn't know he had it in him. Let her say something, she's family so I don't see the problem.

Never heard of this before? How old is she?

They sound a friendly bunch though so that's nice.

LadyLuck81 Thu 21-Aug-14 16:00:52

*of the wedding

Incidentally we ended up with 5 speeches as I spoke too. We just didn't waffle.

Georgethesecond Thu 21-Aug-14 16:04:14

Aw let her do it

If she's organised the stag do she kind of is best man!

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 21-Aug-14 16:04:38

I'd message her saying 'how long is it SILTB so I can make sure they all flow before the desserts are served?'

My SIL gave the best, unasked for, speech of my wedding. It was beautiful and made me cry. Go with the flow.

milkingmachine1 Thu 21-Aug-14 16:12:20

Hmm, we asked 2 friends to do readings as part of our ceremony. 1 being my oldest friend and the second being a friend of DH. My friend went first, did her reading and followed the script. Then friend of DH did her reading followed by a 10 minute talk on research she did on the author of the reading and her interpretation on the meaning! Totally not what we asked her to do and so unfair on my friend as she over shadowed her a bit. I was annoyed but haven't said anything. It's not really worth it and I feel other people know she took liberties.
I'd like to say she did it with the best of intentions but I am more inclined to think it was all about her.

EmpressOfBedlam Thu 21-Aug-14 16:14:27

It's kind of irritating me that she is assuming that she will do it.

I suppose other posters are right when they say it won't do any harm but it would still rile me.

Kablooger Thu 21-Aug-14 16:18:08

its for your h to sort imo

Ardliath Thu 21-Aug-14 16:24:38

Are you getting married in Ireland? It's quite common here for guests to get up and say a few words/ waffle on for ages after the main speeches. I think it's quite sweet that everyone wants to get involved myself but if you are working to a timetable perhaps you could ask roughly how long her speech will be because you all have to get to the restaurant at a particular time.

PurpleWithRed Thu 21-Aug-14 16:30:41

It is cheeky, both the best man thing and the speech, but you have two options - let her get on with it (and laugh slightly condescendingly at the best man bit) or cause a nasty fight. I know which I'd choose.

Zucker Thu 21-Aug-14 16:41:29

The plan is for my dad to speak, then my husband and then me

Just a thought but is she maybe thinking your partner should have someone speaking for/about him. Your dad is doing it for your side of the family, no one from his side that you've mentioned?

Slipshodsibyl Thu 21-Aug-14 17:55:36

I have often heard the Best Man ask publically if any guest would like to say a few words after the main speeches. Often someone does. I thought it was fairly customary, though I do appreciate that this is a small and informal wedding

ThePartyArtist Thu 21-Aug-14 18:16:31

@lady luck 81 - that's sweet it worked out with your brother. .. At least he asked you though? !
I'm sure she has best intentions I just feel a bit irritated!

ThePartyArtist Thu 21-Aug-14 18:17:03

Irritated at sil btw, not @lady luck!

ThePartyArtist Thu 21-Aug-14 18:27:27

Irritated at sil btw, not @lady luck!

sykadelic Sun 07-Sep-14 02:40:19

OP - are you having a rehearsal? Maybe she could do her speech then?

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