Grandad showering with my son

(161 Posts)
hiddenaway Tue 22-Jul-14 21:53:06

My son is nearly 7 and the past couple of times he has stayed at his grandads house he has had a shower with him. When I ask my son he says he's not allowed in on his own(not 100% sure why. Son says there are things he shouldn't touch). He also says grandad washes him.

Yes I know it sounds really dodgy but I honestly think it's just grandad being 'laddy' with his grandson and having a laugh but you just never know...

I asked my hubby to tell his dad for it not to happen again and use the excuse we wanted our son to be independent and not need help (our son has been showering on his own anyway for about 6mths now and doesn't need help) but yet again we found out the same had happened. Grandad tends to ignore our wishes with everything anyway.

It's such an awkward situation as however we say it its going to sound accusatory. It would also be awkward him never staying over all of a sudden. However I would be devastated if anything came out in years to come and I never stopped it. Hubby is at a loss too. What would you do?

HygieneFreak Tue 22-Jul-14 21:56:42

Ok well your husband has asked for his dad to allow your son to shower himself etc and hes ignored this request.

Thats why you no longer allow him to stay over and thats what you tell grandad if he asks.

tethersend Tue 22-Jul-14 22:00:59

I'm not sure what answers you want.

Your son should not be left alone with this man.

There's no nice way to tell him; the alternative is placing your son at risk of abuse for fear of offending an adult.

TakingTheStairs Tue 22-Jul-14 22:01:08

This has red flag all over it.
I'd rather an awkward situation with DS' grandfather than put my child at risk.

WineSpider Tue 22-Jul-14 22:02:14

Do you mean that the grandad is supervising by just being in the bathroom while your son is in the shower, or that the grandad is naked in the shower with your son?

If it's the latter then that is wrong. It doesn't just sound dodgy, it is dodgy.

kilmuir Tue 22-Jul-14 22:02:56

Ooooo no. You need to have clear words with the grandad

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 22-Jul-14 22:03:35

It's probably a generation thing

Mum told me that she was horrified to find out that my Dad was bathed by his mum even as a teenager.

My dad doesn't trust the children to shower & wash their hair properly & insists on helping. Dd didn't feel that she could say anything (she is 12 & developing) but mum & I stepped in.

Ds is 10 & has no issues with it & indeed asks for help.

My dad just sees the children as being younger & more helpless than they actually are.

sebsmummy1 Tue 22-Jul-14 22:03:44

I would not be happy that my request had been ignored and either I would be having a word myself saying that you are only happy with full nudity from immediate family, extended family is unacceptable. Or you stop letting your son go over and explain why.

We are to afraid to step on feelings in this country. Just tell the truth. Having your son shower within grabbing proximity to his Grandfather's genitalia is unacceptable to you - understandably! So he needs to stop with the showering or else forgo seeing his Grandson.

Only1scoop Tue 22-Jul-14 22:06:01

Does you Dh remember showering with his dad when little?

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 22-Jul-14 22:06:38

Now maybe that's the difference. I class my parents as immediate family & am as comfortable with dad being nude around the dc as I am being nude around them myself.

Dad has never really bothered to cover up, (it caused hilarity when dh & I first got together).

sebsmummy1 Tue 22-Jul-14 22:09:26

Perhaps Primary family would have been better terminology.

Rivercam Tue 22-Jul-14 22:15:10

There are two ways of looking at this.

Either your grandad doesn't like the idea do a seven year old showering by himself, incase anything happened, and helps him to wash thinking he is being helpful.

Alternatively, the Grandad's motives are not above board, hence the showering and washing. Nothing may have happened, but that's the early stages of grooming. Showers are small places so they are automatically near each other.

I would nip in the bud now. Maybe cite Rolf Harris et al, saying that
Everyone is wary now and that you want to protect him ( the grandad) as much as your son and say that showering together is not acceptable, and if it continues the son won't be able to stay.

DeadCert Tue 22-Jul-14 22:15:47

This is inappropriate and unnecessary. You must not allow it to happen again.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 22-Jul-14 22:16:41

I find it quite sad that people automatically read sinister things into this

tethersend Tue 22-Jul-14 22:17:44

I find it quite sad that people don't.

Rinkydinkypink Tue 22-Jul-14 22:19:05

Grandad not doing as you ask is for me the issue. I grew up in a very happy to be naked family and don't see a problem with my dc being around naked people.

I used to bath with my parents and grandparents till about 8 or 9 when I became to big to get in. My 6 year old baths with his dad and me and I'd think nothing of it. He sees his grandparents naked and tbh if he jumped in their baths/showers with them then I wouldn't bat an eyelid because I know he loves it and I know his grandparents are good honest people.

I can't believe some of the reactions on here. People can be fully clothed and still abuse others!

Only1scoop Tue 22-Jul-14 22:22:25

I wouldn't 'cite Rolph Harris' in this. Ask your Dh to speak to him regarding it again. Great to use the 'being independent' part....

I also feel saddened that conclusions can be jumped to so quickly.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Jul-14 22:24:25

So, your son doesn't stay with grandad any more

right ?

theeternalstudent Tue 22-Jul-14 22:29:38

I still have a bath with DD (5) and when she's with her gran she will often jump into the shower with her. But it's definitely the case that DD wants to go in with her gran and with me a bath in peace would be nice once in a whilst

What is the difference between that and the situation that you are describing? Perhaps that it's DD's choice to join her gran or I in a bath or shower. Also the difference in age.

To be honest I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I think if I was you I would be avoiding letting your DS stay with granddad for a whilst.

PortofinoRevisited Tue 22-Jul-14 22:29:42

Um - no once they get to that age they go in the shower on their own and maybe get a quick check they have rinsed all the shampoo. Anything else would be inappropriate really. Especially if someone is going against your wishes. With Mum or Dad I might still see it as OK.....

hiddenaway Tue 22-Jul-14 22:30:53

Thanks everyone for your replies. Sadly due to all the current news I guess people just can't help being a little more on edge about these issues and I would have thought grandad would have been a bit more aware too.

In response to a previous question, yes grandad is in the shower naked too.

Ok, another chat with hubby then I think to speak to his dad...

theeternalstudent Tue 22-Jul-14 22:31:05

Sorry, just realised that your son is actually only 6. It's still very young. I'm really not sure about it.

TheFirmament Tue 22-Jul-14 22:33:10

It's not a conclusion, it's a risk, and the fact that the granddad hasn't stopped doing it when asked is a big red flag for me. If he was doing it because he thought it was necessary, then once he was told it wasn't, and to stop, he would stop. He hasn't stopped. That doesn't make it automatically the case that he has dodgy motives, but it does make it more likely.

I think OP is exactly right when she says "I would be devastated if anything came out in years to come and I never stopped it". It's all too easy to convince yourself it's probably nothing because you don't want to cause offence or be accused of jumping to conclusions. But this is, actually, the sort of thing that we should be wary of. Trusted family member, alone in charge of child, overstepping boundaries and privacy issues even when asked not to.

OP stop him going and calmly explain, we asked you not to shower with him and you didn't take any notice. Explain it's important to you and it's your decision, you don't need any more excuses. If you get accused of being a prude etc. I would take that as a warning sign also.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Jul-14 22:34:44

I can it is ok for grandad to sit on the toilet seat/edge of bath (fully clothed) while he supervises the child washing himself

but showering naked with the child, and still doing it when you asked him not to ?

nope

AnyFucker Tue 22-Jul-14 22:34:51

can see

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