Infuriating mother in law - and the joy of backstabbing(16 Posts)
Apologies if I come across as a bit of a newbie here, but I am a long time reader and a first time poster (please be kind, all help appreciated) - sorry for the long post!
Tonight was my sister in laws hen do, I am sober as I have an 8 month old baby girl and hate to think of not being able to drive if I needed to get to a hospital etc (still paranoid) it was only the 4th time that I have left her for more then an hour, with my husband. I had agreed to drive my mother in law and her sister to this hen do, which was around 50 miles away - I was going to drive myself there anyway and drive home so it was no big deal for me.
My DH and I are currently buying a home together (from renting) so have been saving up where we can. The MIL offered to pay petrol money, and I said no, I was driving anyway so it seemed unfair. However, she offered to pay for my drinks (non-alcoholic) for the evening, I accepted as it was the path of least resistance.
I went to pick up the MIL and her sister at 4pm and found them both plastered, having drunk 2-3 bottles of champagne between them. Her daughter is getting married, so I won't hold it against her. However, I didn't realize until I had gotten on the motorway - but they had another bottle. They popped it in the car and scared the life out of me, almost ending our lives early. They spilled it everywhere (on DD's car seat sigh) and then reached over and proceeded to mop it up with my new silk scarf - right off my neck. Saying "Sorry, I thought it was just a rag"
Deep breathes - they were drunk and they are free to have their fun. I stayed silent as they were loud and continued to drink in the car and lean out the windows proclaiming to everyone that I was driving drunk. I have not had a sip in 5 years and found this embarrassing but that's me being weird.
We get to the venue - and MIL hands me a spring roll. I am a veggie (due to IBS) I asked her if it was a meat roll or a veggie one. She said veggie and handed me a few. I took a bite - its duck. Amazing, now I have an upset stomach.
THAT WAS JUST TO SET THE MOOD of the evening.
The rest of the evening was fine and I had a lovely time and MIL behaved. I decided to go back at 10.30pm as I wanted to get home to my littlie. It was decided weeks ago that I would give them a lift back at that time when the first event ended and the second had begun. All was good to go, until MIL and Auntie in law turned around and said they wanted to go to the other event. At this point we are 50 miles from our home town. I expressed my worry that I was leaving and asked if they were SURE they didn't need a lift home.
They were insistent that they wanted to go clubbing - I just wanted to go home to my family, so after 5-10 minutes of making sure with everyone that they had a place to stay/lifts - I left. Around 45 minutes into my journey (2/3's home) I get a phone call. "Hi, sorry, but the plans fell through, we are outside SIL's house and locked out, they have gone without us and I need a lift home. Where are you?"
I said around 2/3's of the way - but if they needed me, I could turn around. I love MIL (when she is sober) and told her I would turn around at the next M1 junction. She told me not to worry and hung up.
I called DH a few minutes later (All on the car phone/loud speaker) and told him I was coming home. He said his mother had just called him, calling me a b*tch. Basically, I had left her in the middle of nowhere, with no way of getting home and just driven off and left her there.
I got really upset as none of this is true and I was 100% ready to go and pick them up. DH told me to come home as she was being horrible to me on the phone and he said "She got herself into this mess, I am not going to be rude to my mother, but she said some awful things about you and I don't want you going to see her right now."
I got home and she phoned him. I answered the phone. She was friendly at first, but I asked her directly why she had called me those names. She got really quiet. I told her that I would come and pick her up (right now) but could she tell me why she thought that I was so unreasonable. I basically wanted her to admit that she was being rude and bad mouthing me to DH - she hung up on me.
She phoned again, I answered and she said "Put my f-ing son on the phone." I did and all I could hear for the next 10 minutes was, "Good luck with that one. Too bad you have a house and a daughter with a f-ing b*tch"
My DH had no petrol, so I handed him my car keys and told him to go pick her up as I still felt really bad for the auntie who actually wanted to come home but got pulled along by my pushy MIL. I started crying and he almost didn't go, until he got a call from his stepfather, who was confused on how MIL got herself into this mess.
I honestly don't know what to do. My DH hasn't come home yet from picking her up - but I feel so upset. I know she was drunk and things happen, but they say drunken words are honest thoughts. My MIL and I go shopping and have coffee together, she is such a good grandmother (not like my mum, who undermines me at every turn) but I feel so frustrated!!
Do I confront her again? Or do I stay away? I don't want to stop her seeing DD - but I don't think I can be around someone like that until they apologize.
She has a problem with alcohol and she has been abusive.
I would not talk to her and then email her a factual list of what she has done. Without a fulsome apology I wouldn't speak to her again and I would let your dh take the children there .
But that's what I would do - you should do what's best for you. IMO she should be embarassed and apologising for all of it.
I hope she was very embarrassed today and apologised!
This sounds terrible. You poor thing
How has it gone today?
Why did you eat the spring rolls if you are vegetarian and knew they were duck as soon as you bit into them?
She said she took a bite... It doesn't say that she munched her way through the lot!
Would one bite trigger ibs?
They'd already drunk 2 or 3 bottles of champagne before the start of the event - and you don't seem to see that for what it is, an alcohol problem. So what if the daughter is getting married? She doesn't need to celebrate that by getting hammered before a party.
Then you make sure they have places to stay (not your job) and head home as agreed. You had no responsibility for getting them home, neither did your DH. They could check into a hotel (if they could find one willing to take them in that state).
I agree with Laurie. Make a list of everything that happened that evening. No excuses about how she was drunk and entitled to her fun. Fuck that. You're entitled to a nice evening out and not to be called a bitch. Let your DH know you expect an apology and a replacement scarf, and leave him to sort it out with his mother. She sounds appalling.
I'm usually of the view everyone is allowed to be an idiot on a rare occasion - especially where excess alcohol is involved. Does she normally drink this much or is it a one off?
I would say see what transpires tomorrow. If she is mortified and apologises I would let it pass. If not then if take a step back emotionally and let everyone know how hurt you are. You can then decide how to deal with it longer term - you are married to get son, so any decisions need to be thought through, not made on the emotion of the moment.
She may be speaking 'drunken truth' or she may have just gone so far beyond normal she us just reacting to the mess she wasin.
Give it 24 hours see where things rather than react straight away
If you've no history with her and you get an unbelievably grovelling apology, new scarf and offer of car valeting in the next couple of days I'd chalk it up to wedding stress/over excitement & being hugely drunk and give her another chance.
Otherwise I'd be giving her a very wide berth for a long while.
Your DH sounds great btw - very supportive which seems to be a rare thing where MILs are involved!
I presume they're back now? What has happened since?
she must drink a lot frequently. Most people could not drink a bottle and a half of champagne let alone what she had at the party.
If I accepted her apology I would steer clear of her when shes drinking, for all of time.
Love the way someone immediately starts quizzing about spring rolls
I agree that your MIL has a problem with alcohol. But it's not your problem. I would steer clear when she is drinking. Treat her with caution.
What has happened since Sunday cranberryblue?
Has there been any communications with either your MIL or SIL about this? Has your DH said anything to his mother about her drunken behaviour to you? Did your DH say anything to you (as they must have been talking in the car when he collected them)?
I'd need to get this sorted and the first port of call would be DH. Then I'd expect him to arrange a neutral location where you could all meet and get this sorted. Not a bar or pub, maybe a coffee shop.
I'd make sure that:
1. there was a complete apology for spraying your car with champagne/sparkling wine
2. there was a replacement silk scarf offered
3. There was an offer of a full car valet to clear up the lingering champagne & stickyness that it can leave.
4. Most importantly that they offer a full apology for ALL of their behaviour (from the time that they were picked up by you to the time that your DH collected them and everything in between).
To those who keep picking up on the spring rolls, in all fairness unless the MIL had x-ray specs, and if she isn't a veggie, she probably wouldn't have been able to tell the difference between a 100% veggie spring roll and one that has diced up meats in it. She wouldn't be able to taste the difference (and I'd imagine that a bottle of champers would have dulled her senses anyway).
Sorry it turned out to be such a horrible night for you cranberryblue & hope you get it sorted!
She sounds horrendous ! Definitely them not you -keep us posted
Wow! If you haven't already spoken to her, I would ask her to meet you in a public place - maybe for coffee, and ask her to explain her actions, and you explain just how much it hurt you.
I did this once with a particularly bullying colleague, and I think it was such a shock to her that I fronted her, that she was ever so nice to me after. I hope it works out for you.
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