Discuss it or keep silent?

(46 Posts)
GotAnotherQuestion Sat 07-Jun-14 12:06:10

My SIL was very enthusiastic about her and my brother going abroad with me and my family (husband and two DC).

But behind closed doors she said she wanted to have a holiday without us, so that their new baby could have the first holiday abroad with just their own family.

They failed to tell me this, so I was excited about going abroad for many months until I learned they'd booked already, without us.

My DH refuses to go by ourselves. I suspect he just doesn't fancy it but he's saying it's due to worrying over how much hard work it is with young children. The only way he would agree to it was if someone else came with us.

I have been really angry with my SIL for her two-faced ness. I spoke to my brother and could see he felt terrible, caught between his wife and his sister. He tried to invite us on their holiday retrospectively but I don't want to be an unwanted gooseberry so declined. He then tried to make up for it by booking a second holiday which would include us, but we can't get the time off and DH has lost the will to organise anything.

I see my brother an SIL quite regularly and have been really affected by this. I feel caught between talking to her about it (saying how let down I feel that she pretended one thing but felt another; and couldn't be honest to me about it).

It's really change my relationship with her as I don't trust anything she says!

Would you mention it or just try to let it go and let sleeping dogs lie?

Do you think it would be possible to have a decent relationship again or is it going to be stupidly artificial now?

Actually as I type this I am realise it probably wasn't that decent in the first place or she wouldn't have been so artificial in her enthusiasm. I suppose I am speaking of my reaction to her - I was always genuine and now feel I have to mirror her behaviour and be aloof and artificial with her back.

WWYD?

Well, sometimes in the heat of a conversation people do get carried away with enthusiasm for something, which they later regret when they think it through. I agree they shouldn't have dragged it on for ages though, as that has made it harder to find out that they aren't doing what you believed they would.

But I think it's a bit harsh to assume it means you can't have a perfectly decent relationship with her. People make mistakes. and, to be honest, the intensity of your reaction to this makes me wonder if maybe she and your brother were hesitant to 'come clean' earlier because they knew you'd take it so badly and make a big deal of it.

Hellokittycat Sat 07-Jun-14 16:41:11

I agree with above post. It seems like an overreaction on your part a bit. I think deep down you are actually cross at dh (or if you're not then you should be) as it's him that's preventing you from having a family holiday really isn't it?
Your brother and SIL must have felt a lot of oressure on them and probably delayed telling the truth as they felt bad.
Work on dh. Get yourselves a family holiday sorted and I guarantee you will feel better towards SIL

WaffleWiffle Sat 07-Jun-14 16:41:19

Could grandparents come on holiday with you?

Shesparkles Sat 07-Jun-14 16:46:26

I think you're turning your anger on the wrong target. Why does your husband refuse to go on holiday without others? Young children can be hard work, end of story. He needs to man the fuck up and face the responsibility of looking after his children mad stop looking to others to "dilute" them.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but really?

Shesparkles Sat 07-Jun-14 16:49:23

I've just reread the OP and seen that your dh has "lost the will"
I despair, I really do

Ok so maybe your SIL should have told you earlier about their change of heart, but you know what, maybe she had a rethink and doesn't want to be responsible for your dh and children,as your dh certainly doesn't seem to want the responsibility

ginmakesitallok Sat 07-Jun-14 16:57:14

If I was your sil I don't think I'd want to come on holiday with you either, a new baby and being expected to help out with your kids too?

Leave it with sil and ask your dh why he won't have a family holiday.

ladygracie Sat 07-Jun-14 16:57:22

From what you've said your dh would be expecting whoever you went with to help with your children. Maybe your sil found this out & that wasn't what she wanted from a holiday.
As others have said, your anger is directed at the wrong person - your husband is the problem here.

museumum Sat 07-Jun-14 16:58:20

I don't think you should tell her you "feel let down" but I do think it might be worth saying to her that you are really sorry she didn't feel she could tell you the truth about how she felt about the holiday and assure her that in future she should feel free to be honest about arrangements or ideas and you won't be offended. (But then you need to follow this through and NOT be offended which might require you sorting your dh out) b

CanaryYellow Sat 07-Jun-14 17:02:58

I think you're misdirecting your anger and should aim it towards your fucking wet lettuce of a husband who only wants a holiday when he thinks there's a chance that a couple with a new baby will spend their holiday helping him out with childcare.

WTF??

GotAnotherQuestion Sat 07-Jun-14 17:16:41

Truth is they wouldn't have been helping, it's a false illusion that DH seems to find confidence holding on to.

But I take your point about misdirected anger

GotAnotherQuestion Sat 07-Jun-14 17:24:03

Oops it sent before I was finished!

I think I am just bitterly disappointed. I'm accustomed to DH sticking his heels in but relied on people around me to be different.

museumum Sat 07-Jun-14 17:28:51

It can be easier to go on holiday with four adults than two because then two adults can go for a quick drink or run or sail or whatever floats your boat while the other two look after the kids but also have adult company. This can happen without anybody helping with any childcare of other peoples children. Dh and I like to ski with other families as we take turns looking after ds and skiing but it's nice for the one skiing to have company.
However, your dh is being childish to refuse to take a holiday without another family for company.

GotAnotherQuestion Sat 07-Jun-14 18:15:28

Why would he do that though?!

SolomanDaisy Sat 07-Jun-14 18:20:43

The problem is your DH, not your SIL.

Waltermittythesequel Sat 07-Jun-14 18:26:09

You're overreacting massively!

You seriously need to calm down on this.

And your dh sounds a bit of a twat. He's the one causing problems.

BrianTheMole Sat 07-Jun-14 18:30:52

I think you are really overacting. Sounds as though the problem lies with your dh, not anyone else.

Coconutty Sat 07-Jun-14 18:36:34

Maybe she changed her mind?

You DH sounds a bit wet. If you are bitterly disappointed not to be going abroad, have you told him?

GotAnotherQuestion Sat 07-Jun-14 19:12:44

For those who say I'm massively overreacting - am I really?

Misplaced anger, I can see that possibility, but who wouldn't be really upset if they've been strung along for a holiday and then let down like that?

Maybe it's fine for those who get abroad every year but I don't, and it was a real treat after an exceptionally hard year. If she had kept her word I would have been on the holiday as promised.

How would you have reacted to that, really honestly?

BrianTheMole Sat 07-Jun-14 19:17:21

Honestly? I think I'm a bit more laid back than you. So I would have been fine. Although my dh would agree to go somewhere on our own. Yours won't. Thats where the problem lies. Misplaced anger. (And I definitely do not go on holiday every year either.)

HalfCracked Sat 07-Jun-14 19:18:24

I think it's sheer disappointment that's upsetting you and that's understandable.

Could you go away on your own for a week and leave your h with the children. It sounds like you could do with a break and it sounds like it's his fekking turn to step up!

Don't rule it out. So many married women get in to the habit of never going anywhere on their own, and it's so liberating and it'd be such a treat for you once you'd got over the idea that your holiday wans't going to be a sociable one. There are different kinds of holiday that can be enjoyed.

gotanotherquestion a truthful answer to your question, I would have been very disappointed, but I can see you're almost at the point where you're angry at your husband for not being more pro-active. You want a social holiday and he just coasts. never arranging anything, not working hard to cultivate friendships with friends (or with his own relatives?) that all falls to you.

With that kind of man, you can have a better social life as a single person.

HalfCracked Sat 07-Jun-14 19:20:43

I haven't been anywhere hot for years! I went to fuerteventure four years ago and before that,it was 8 years since I'd been outside of the UK. Wow. How do I travel so little. Now, as a single person (!) i'm going to stockholm, and belfast to see titanic exhibioiton this summer. short trips. and not hot. but still.

Dornishwine Sat 07-Jun-14 19:21:00

Your sil isn't the problem!

CanaryYellow Sat 07-Jun-14 19:22:56

Yes you are over-reacting.

She hasn't deprived you of a holiday, your husband has done that.

My guess is that, given by your own admission your DH has been saying he refuses to go on holiday without another set of adults present due to worrying over how much hard work it is with young children she's picked up on the vibes from you/him that she'll be expected to help out with your childcare and has decided that actually she'd prefer a relaxing break with just her own DH and new baby.

Why aren't you as angry with your brother as you are with SIL?

Why aren't you angry with your DH that even now the offer of a holiday with your bro and SIL is on the table he's lost the will to organise anything and is perfectly happy to deprive you and your children of a holiday?

Do you realise that to an outsider, your DH sounds like a totally pathetic sap?

PortofinoRevisited Sat 07-Jun-14 19:25:38

She was a bit rude maybe, but you disappointment solely lays at the feet of your DH. Why cannot you not go on holiday as a family? In my experience, you go somewhere where the weather is nice, they have pools and don't expect too much. Take it turns to prevent the kids from drowning then BBQ and drink wine.

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