Confused about the options.(9 Posts)
Hi ladies, it's easier to talk on here because I get non bias opinions I feel.
13 months ago, I had an abortion, for reasons only because I thought it would be best for my relationship and because my boyfriend wasn't ready. It was a traumatic experience for me and very soon after I slipped into a bad depression which made me unable to leave my bed, a year on I have received councelling and antidepressants and I am feeling more positive. However my boyfriend left me 3 months ago, we were still sleeping together and I've just found out I'm pregnant with his baby. The timing could not be worse.
However I want to keep this baby 100%. And he doesn't, he told me he would put so much effort into our relationship and be there for me if I didn't keep the baby, he seems so desperate. And if I did keep it he wouldn't be there for me. I care about his feelings a lot and I don't want to ruin his life like he tells me it would.
I don't know what to do, keep my baby which would make me happy, or listen to the dad, because I believe he has a say in what happens too.
Ultimately it is your decision. Do what you are comfortable with. If you go ahead with this pregnancy you will do it with or without his help.
He is emotionally blackmailing you and, by the sounds of it, just using you for sex. Whatever you do, I think your life would be better without him in it.
He sounds an unpleasant arse who you are better off without anyway.
What to do now is your decision. If you want to keep the baby and you can see a way forward as a single parent, then that is your decision, not his.
You said you want to keep this baby 100%. Be kind to yourself and just do it . Whatever happens you will have a completely new focus in your life, one that loves you unconditionally, and if it doesn't work out with your partner you won't find it half as difficult as you think you will right now.
I think to have a termination when you think it is the right thing to do is very different to having a termination when you would like to keep the baby.
I think that if you had a termination and lost the baby that you wanted to keep, that even if this guy stuck around and did all of the things that he has promised, you'd never be able to look at him in the same way again and would resent him for making you give up your child.
However, it is a HUGE commitment to decide to have a baby and it is difficult being a single parent.
Either way, you have some time to decide what to do, and which ever decision you go with, you'll have to live with it forever.
I was going to have a termination with my DS (now 6.5) but my mum was very emotional about it and convinced me not to (in a "I can't bear to even look at you" kind of way). So I kept him. I love him dearly and he's made me as a person, he's actually rather incredible and I would have a very different life now and not necessarily a better one.
Don't make the choice for anyone but yourself. Give this guy the chance to walk away if that's what he needs - you may be better without him, and sometime to go out and life the young free and single lifestyle will let him be able to be a good dad later.
You 100% want to continue with your pregnancy. That's your answer.
Consider all of the implications of that- living, affordability, job impacts, and prepare yourself. Do not make any plans or base any future with your ex bf though . He's emotionally manipulative.
IMO children are a blessing. It will be hard, more so because of your ex attitude, but you can do it alone, you can be a wonderful parent and continue your life without him.
If you 100% want the baby then keep it.
It sounds like emotional blackmail and no decent bloke would make you choose between him and your baby.
Chances are if you had a termination he may make an effort for a little while but then go back to how he is now. Even if he did change permanently you would more than likely end up resenting him for making you terminate your baby.
Do what's right for you as men can come and go but you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and there's nothing worse than regrets.
You are right that he has a say and I am very strongly in support of fathers and potential fathers rights but this has already happened (again!!) and you know from real experience that you don't cope with abortion well. It's a huge pity for all of you he doesn't want it but hopefully you can give the child a good and secure home on your own. It is your body and you will have to pick up most if not all of the responsibility for this child and also recognise that you have tied yourself to this man forever whatever stress and upset that may bring. But if you are willing to accept that then it sounds like it's the right decision to keep this child. I hope you have a good job and family support, many people do it without those things but I don't feel it's right to. Make sure to look after yourself well and look for help from your doc and family if you feel depressed again. Best of luck with your decision. You sound reasonable and probably stronger than you think. You should be proud that you tried to do the right thing for both you and your ex the first time, even though it cost you greatly in the end. Try not to regret. Its all part of life.
Oh and just to add, I wouldn't be having a relationship with this man anymore. Hes not a good one. But he does have a right to be your child's father.
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