Really creepy friend. What would you do?

(18 Posts)
birdsflying Wed 07-May-14 21:33:10

I have a friend that I know via playgroups, we have been friendly for around a year now. To start with I thought he was really lovely as did my partner. We soon got to know his wife (now ex) and gradually formed more of a friendship with them.

Things started to get a little full on after he invited us around to their house to play some games and have a drink. He was very keen to get me to go up into their upstairs room to have a look at his collection of games. I felt him getting a little too close for comfort and ended up making excuses to go downstairs, he was in my personal space.

In November I invited them both out for my birthday. Being parents only one of them could attend so he came out. When he arrived he sat down next to me and ran his hand up the inside of my leg and under my skirt and told me how sexy I was looking and how incredibly hot I look in my work uniform. I felt violated and immediatley started talking to my other friends and made an excuse to go home early.

I managed to ignore him for a couple of months but being parents our paths often crossed. He felt that there had been something not quite right so I confronted him about it. I told him how uncomfortable he had made me feel. Unexpectedly he played the innocent card claiming he hadn't noticed he had done this and that it was unintentional. I stuck to my guns and in the end I felt it best we remain civil.

I told my partner and he was not happy. We think the bloke had boundary issues and may not appreciate other peoples space or process what is acceptable and what is not.... A few of our other friends think the same. Maybe he has some sort of disability?

However he acts as though nothing has happened. He saw that I invite my close friends over once a week for drinks and games- A good excuse for both my partner and I to socialise as it's hard going out together. He kept badgering me so my partner invited him along (2 weeks ago), sensing the awkward situation I was in. He came, but it was supposed to be a one off. The following week he turns up on the same night expecting to come in- We had just settled down for the evening to watch a film both knackered!

I just don't know what to do. the touching happened 6 months ago. Surely I should move on and just get on with it? He makes me feel so uneasy. However I don't want to hurt his feelings in any way. I know he has been through a lot over the last year (divorce, custody battle). I see him A LOT at playgroups and the park now the weather is nice but don't want tension or awkwardness. What do I do... for the best? I can tolerate him in parenting situations but I don't want him in my personal time sad Any advice appreciated!

BrianTheMole Wed 07-May-14 21:37:08

I would tell him straight to back off and keep his distance permanently. I'd rather take the tension than put up with that.

plotmissinginaction Wed 07-May-14 21:38:00

Get him out of your life. He knew exactly what he was doing. He has no respect for you or your partner and doesn't sound safe to be around. He sexually harassed you, avoid at all costs.

KirstyJC Wed 07-May-14 21:38:19

Don't engage with him. Nothing says you have to put yourself in unpleasant situations - he knows damn well he was inappropriate, but is acting as though it was nothing because he knows most people (esp women) are conditioned not to upset others, and therefore he will get away with it. Until next time. And the next....

Simply tell him you don't want to be his friend anymore as he is creeping you out. You owe him nothing. He, on the other hand, owes you an apology.

I suspect there is a reason he is divorced.......

Hes relying on the fact you want to bw nice and not cause any awkwardness to get away with sexually harrassing you. You make loads of excuses for him. He's a creep and a sex pest. Distance yourself and if he asks tell him why. He expects you to xontinue to be polite to him

crispyporkbelly Wed 07-May-14 21:41:06

Stop being in contact with this person. It's really that simple

Shakey1500 Wed 07-May-14 21:42:17

Your DH knew and wasn't happy he'd touched you extremely inappropriately yet still invited him round??

Absolutely disengage.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 07-May-14 21:44:34

No wonder he's divorced now. Sod hurting his feelings, he groped you. Stay away and be as frank as you like about why.

Yes. This is his dirty little secret not yours

hellymelly Wed 07-May-14 21:50:12

If someone makes you uneasy, there is a reason for that. Don't ignore it. He sounds predatory and insensitive at best. I would cut all contact before he finds a chance to grab and grope you.

AskBasil Wed 07-May-14 22:00:59

Why don't you want to hurt his feelings in any way?

He doesn't give a flying fuck if he hurts your's.

It is very, very unlikely that he has a disability which causes him to behave like this. It is far more likely that he is a dangerous predator and he's determined to groom you and your husband to allow him to get close enough to you to overstep any boundaries you try to set.

Frankly he sounds dangerous to me.

Listen to your gut instinct, there's a reason your alarm bells are ringing so loudly. Don't worry about his feelings, worry about your safety. That's more important and should take precedence.

AskBasil Wed 07-May-14 22:03:48

Oh and if you're round him in front of other friends and he gropes you under the table, grab his hand and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Women's silence is the best cover for these predators.

Seriously, don't try and minimise this or make excuses or find charitable explanations for it. Normal men do NOT grope their women friends.

"He kept badgering me so my partner invited him along (2 weeks ago), sensing the awkward situation I was in. "

What? Your partner sees that someone who has form for groping you (which is a form of sexual assault) is pressuring you for an invitation to your home so, sensing that this is "awkward" he goes ahead and invites him himself?

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Wed 07-May-14 22:13:31

What everyone else said, especially Basil's perfect advice on response to groping.

His only disability is being a misogynistic predator. To elaborate, anyone who had a social processing disorder would have been embarrassed & hugely apologetic when you told him off. Don't cover for him - shame him.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Wed 07-May-14 22:18:30

Debbie, I do think it's normal behaviour for people who hope to smooth over disturbances by being friendly. Nasty bastards like this bloke rely on it: what non-confrontational people see as socially correct, predators see as weakness - or, worse, acquiescence.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 07-May-14 22:53:41

Sorry OP sad this thread is so depressing and should be mandatory reading for anyone who doesn't believe rape culture exists.

This man sexually assaulted and harassed you over a number of months. Yet you are worried about hurting his feelings and are wondering if he has a disability.

He is a sexual predator and possibly a stalker as well. I would consider calling 101 and recording the incidents as it is likely he has form.

You have no reason to have any contact with him socially. Just cut him off and if people ask why, tell them.

birdsflying Thu 08-May-14 11:02:37

Thanks for all of the replies. I think you all have said exactly what is going on in my mind. I've always hated confrontation and this is such an awkward position to be in . I've had a long chat with my partner and if he happens to call this evening he is going to take him outside and tell him that we don't want him at the house anymore.

There's a gut instinct going on for sure and you are right I should follow it. There's a reason women in the playground squirm when they see him approaching. I'm going to terminate this association.

I think i've been feeling weak emotionally and have been going through a stupidly hard time with my health- Sometimes being bed ridden for weeks at a time. Stress only flares my illness up, so i've avoided confronting the problem. In the long run this was a mistake and i've made things more complicated for myself.

Wish me luck for this evening! Thanks again x smile

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Thu 08-May-14 14:16:38

Yep - good luck to both of you smile

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