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So frustrated

(7 Posts)
Schwarzeneggersgirl Sun 27-Apr-14 12:20:09

I have been with my dp for years and he does have a history of being v.v. Reluctant to move house. even to the point of him getting a job 85 miles away from where we lived and getting up at 4am every morning and commuting in. It took him a year before he admitted defeat and agreed to move, which we did.

Knowing this I have discussed with him about moving. Giving him the reasons of why we need to move and I thought agreed to a plan. He knows we cannot go on living like this.

We "own" 2 properties at the moment.

Our home which needs completely renovating, rewiring, new bathroom, new kitchen, another bathroom putting in and walls knocked down and others built, doors moved and completely redecorating. We have lived like this for years because not only does he not like moving house but he also has what I can only describe as a phobia of workmen coming to the house. Consequently this house which we bought prior to having children 15 years ago is not suitable and does not work as a family home. It is quite a small house sitting on a large plot but it does not help that it is the worse designed house I have ever come across. I have taken to getting out the graph paper and redesigning it to make the most of the space.

The second place we "own" is a tiny flat which has been rented out. I have put own in inverted commas because we have sold the flat. Contracts have been exchanged and we gave an 8 week completion to the guy who is buying it. This suited us both as the plan was we sold the flat and the money we would get from it would be a good deposit and doing up money for a small house/larger flat in a more convenient and cheaper location (dd1 has been accepted at a particular school 40 miles away and we need to move to be nearer to where she is starting school in September.) it would also mean that we would be out of the house when the workmen arrive to do the renovation. All of which he agreed to.

I have shown him what we could afford with little or no mortgage if we then sold our renovated house. And he agrees the type of property we could get we could never afford in our current neighbourhood. The move would also cut his commute down from 45 mins to 12mins and the resulting savings of train fares and car parking at the station would be huge. Overall we would end up in a far nicer house than we could ever afford where we live now and be saving money. What is not to like about the plan. He would also cut his commute down from 1 1/2 hour to 28 mins. What is not to like?

Anyway I have started looking at properties we can move into, knowing which day we get our money and I have found one that would be perfect. It is in a complete mess at the moment but I can see through the "shit" literally to see it would be a perfect temporary home for us all.

When I told him about it having seen it online and run down to view it I thought he would be over the moon. Instead he started by giving me criteria of where, even temporarily he would live and where he would not. What type of property he wants and how much he wants to pay.

I know I am good at squirrelling out good deals when it comes to property but I live in the real world. He also started hinting that when the house was renovated we should stay where we are.

Anyway after a huge argument things settled down and he agreed to move if I could come up with a place that, then he gave me a list of criteria. When I pointed out the place I saw ticked all the boxes he just said he was not living there as it was so dreadful. But trying to tell him that it would not be dreadful once it had all been done is falling on deaf ears.

He is also telling me that I need to use the money from the flat to pay off my horrendously large credit card accounts. My CCs are very much under control and the figure he is quoting that he thinks I owe is 10 times the amount I actually owe and that would be paid off anyway when I get the statement.

Sorry it has been so long but there is 30 years of frustration built up in this post. Advice desperately needed because dd starts school in September and dp thinks it will be fine for her to commute 80 miles per day.

EverythingCounts Sun 27-Apr-14 23:49:09

Of course she can't commute 80 miles a day. It's late and I am not fully following all the aspects of the post but why do you think he has reneged on the plan now, having initially agreed to it? I will come back to this tomorrow.

antimatter Mon 28-Apr-14 00:16:12

Has he got problems with making decisions in other aspects of his life?

Schwarzeneggersgirl Mon 28-Apr-14 12:27:48

No problem with anything to do with decision making anywhere else. I actually think that the fact his patents have lived in the same house all their married life has not helped the situation.

It is just moving house he seems to not able get his head around.

He has known dd is starting school at this particular school for several years. It has always been discussed that this school is the best school for her and when the others are old enough they will also take the exam to get in. All the while he has agreed on the plan. It is not something new but the way he is going on it is as though I have suddenly sprung this idea that we need to move on him. I think he is acting like this because reality has started to hit.

If he was not dragging his heels we could be living in a beautiful house with less outgoings by Christmas but the way he is going on she will be at university before he makes the move.

And this new thing re my CC he keeps repeating that I need to pay off a figure that exceeds my total limit 5 times over.

It is not decision making that is his problem but change. Hence why we live in such a terrible house because he wants to come home from work and unless the house could be renovated in the time he is away at work then he does not want Anything to change. That is why I have been looking to move before I renovate. Then he would not have to deal with builders.

Seriously tearing my hair out with him.

EverythingCounts Mon 28-Apr-14 12:35:05

So at what point would you say 'I am going without you'?

Has he admitted yet that you will have to move or your DD to go to the chosen school? He sounds like his tactic is to stipulate various conditions that can't be met. Can you turn that around and say he has X amount of time to find a place to live in the new area that he is happy with and that after that you will be finding one yourself and moving?

Schwarzeneggersgirl Mon 28-Apr-14 12:49:01

Unfortunately need to sell in order to go and buy and the way he is going on I can see him point blank refusing.

He has come up with the criteria which would just about be acceptable which the place I found ticked all the boxes. But with out looking at it he has already said no.

I told him to go and look and see what he could find for our price range in the area he wanted. He came back with four one bed flats. All of which contradicted one of his main criteria. When I pointed out the obvious lack of space and he had chosen the ones that went against his own criteria he told me I was being obstructive.

Grrrrrrr!!!!!!

Schwarzeneggersgirl Fri 09-May-14 12:31:58

Not had time to log in for a few days.

Can I ask, Is there anybody out there who knows someone like my dp. I swear he cannot be alone in this refusal to move. His latest idea is to buy an apartment off plan that will be completed in 2018!!!

He got really miffed that I poured cold water onto that idea. He seems hell bent on coming up with completely unsuitable solutions then trying to make me be the unreasonable one.

I have told him that come September he is going to have to rent somewhere if he does not pull his finger out.

It is not as if I am asking him to do any work. I have my own business that deals with builders and I am a dab hand at a lot of the work needed on places that need renovating, in fact when he visited the completed flat he wondered why our home didn't look like the flat.

Not too sure of how this is all going to end as we really cannot afford to rent. So any ideas gratefully recieved.

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