Should we insist DD (nearly 4) comes along to visit an uncle she's scared of?

(10 Posts)
Mitzi50 Sat 10-May-14 21:23:21

I would take her, not expect her to engage and be very matter a fact ie don't project any issues you may have on to your daughter. My DC and their cousins were all very wary as small children of their step GM who has MH issues and was occasionally sectioned. They are all in late teens now, are fond of her (whilst laughing about some of the more memorable events and peculiarities). They all are caring and tolerant people and understand that "difference" is part of life and can be enriching.

peacefuleasyfeeling Fri 18-Apr-14 10:44:01

Thank you everyone for your responses, that's great. Mary, that's my gut feeling too and I think we've reached a compromise for today's visit; we'll all go and have a cup of tea and while DP, DD2 and I have lunch with DBiL in the canteen, DMiL can hang out with DD1 in the communal lounge. DD seems happy with that too. Thanks again!

ComradePlexiglass Thu 17-Apr-14 21:16:08

I would take her. Buy a new small toy on the way and give it to her to open and play with just as you enter his room.

MaryShelley Thu 17-Apr-14 21:06:36

Take her! You can't teach that it is acceptable to fear those who are different in their looks and mannerisms! I though you were going to say he had behaved in appropriately towards her - I'd have more sympathy for that.

TheRedQueen Thu 17-Apr-14 20:43:52

I wouldn't take her again. You've already taken her once and she has seen you interacting with him and heard your explanations yet is clearly still scared so I would leave it.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Thu 17-Apr-14 20:42:55

If there is someone to leave her with, then I would leave her behind tomorrow. Your BIL has seen her once this visit and, if he questions her absence, maybe you could say that she was not feeling well so stayed at home with grandma? I would have to make up a perfectly reasonable non-offensive reason for her not going though - I would be too worried about BIL being upset that his niece did not want to see him otherwise.

FWIW, my DD cries at my DB. We think it's because there are no men in her day to day life except for DH. Both of our dads died way before she was born, so no granddad, and when I take her to meet up with friends it tends to be with other mums & toddlers. There are no men at Toddler Group and a couple of dads do go to Tumble Tots, but they speak to no-one!

NatashaBee Thu 17-Apr-14 20:35:34

How would your DP's brother react if she cried or was distressed whilst visiting him? That would maybe influence whether I took her this time or not, I wouldn't want to distress him too. But obviously it needs addressing longer-term.

sunbathe Thu 17-Apr-14 20:32:54

No, I wouldn't insist. You've already taken her once.

Apparently my nephew would scream every time he saw his uncle, just because he had a beard.

They grow out of it.

ashtrayheart Thu 17-Apr-14 20:29:42

I think the cajoling persuading and insisting might have counteracted the not making a big deal out if it!
Yes I would take her, and let her see you interacting with him like you normally would. I wouldn't react too much to her behaviour and talk to her as normal as well.

peacefuleasyfeeling Thu 17-Apr-14 20:19:46

We've travelled across half the country on one of our rare-ish visits to DP's family, including his much older brother (60) who has a learning disability and lives in sheltered accommodation. He is very jolly and laid back but DD1 (nearly 4) is so scared of him. He's a big person, being very overweight and he shouts when he speaks as he is hard of hearing. He has continence issues so is sometimes a bit smelly and often has bandaged sores on his legs. She has been pleading with us for days that she doesn't want to visit him. We did go today and she spent the whole time silently curled up on DP's lap hiding her face. Now she's really upset at the prospect of visiting again tomorrow and won't go to sleep. She's always been fine with visiting previously, but this time it's as if she's dreamed him up to be some kind of ogre. We've tried explaining all the things she finds disconcerting about him, tried not making a big deal out of it, tried cajoling, persuading, insisting, but she's just crumpling. Should we insist she comes (she could watch TV, play with toys or draw, it's not like she has to listen to hours of grown-up talk or anything) or should one of us stay behind at DMiL's with her? I'm just thinking about the lessons that will come out of this depending on the decision we make and how we handle it.

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