My XH treats my house as his/wants to know my every move

(27 Posts)
Tinyminx Fri 10-Jan-14 20:20:19

I threw my XH out last summer, have bought my own house. However when he comes round to collect children there's always some excuse why he just wanders through rooms, looking around.
Last night was worst, I'd gone upstairs to get changed and he just ran up, straight into my bedroom where I was undressed. I told him in no uncertain terms this was entirely unacceptable.
Also, he's constantly asking me questions about where I'm going and what I'm doing, and when I tell him it's none of his business, he sarcastically laughs and says 'oohhhh mysterious' as if I'm hiding something.
The way I see it is, it is MY own home, not his, and my life is my own. But he constantly wants a part of everything.
If the tables were turned he'd be outraged, but I'm not like him, and besides I couldn't give a flying f**k what he does when he's not got the kids.
He was very controlling when we were married so I realise that this trait continues (he used to go through my things, looking for what I don't know).
My ds is 12 and dd 9, very bright kids and devastated by the separation. I've been careful to try and make the transition easy for them, but I want to be able to tell him straight that he can't just continue to act like me and my things belong to him. However, he then makes out to them I'm the one in the wrong.

AnUnearthlyChild Fri 10-Jan-14 20:21:54

Doorstep hangovers.

Don't let him in.

AnUnearthlyChild Fri 10-Jan-14 20:22:15

Handovers ffs

Fairylea Fri 10-Jan-14 20:23:27

Why is he even coming in? Doorstep handovers. Short bye and shut the door!

gamerchick Fri 10-Jan-14 20:23:35

Have the kids ready for when he arrives and hand them over on the door step. There's no reason for him to come in then.

It's pretty obvious he's looking for signs of a man in your house.

Agree with have them ready on the doorstep

Or be coming back from somewhere so you get out the car and hand them over

And why have you not had fun with this yet ? grin

Be outside very dolled up/wearing a giant pink bunny outfit.

Or when the weather is warmer be outside ostensibly weeding with the kids when he turns up.

And get some second hand Man sized wellies to be outside the front door to annoy him - you can always plant them up with violas for fun grin

AnUnearthlyChild Fri 10-Jan-14 20:27:51

Laurie ilike your style!

ErrolTheDragon Fri 10-Jan-14 20:37:12

Is it feasible for you to take the kids to him rather than him collecting them?

Can you counter his 'ooohh mysterious' shit with a 'yes, I am' and a smug smile.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Fri 10-Jan-14 20:41:17

I think you just have to be straight with him and tell him, perhaps by phone or email, that you don't want him coming into the house any more. Be firm about it. Talk to your DDs as well, explaining that although you don't bear their dad any ill feelings (hollow laugh wink) you feel uncomfortable when he comes into the house and for that reason you've decided not to let him in any more. Explain that if he or they forget something of course they can nip back in for it or he can wait while you get it, but really, it's your house and there needs to be a clear boundary there so that there is no confusion. Their time with him is separate from their time at your home.

Even toilet visits or if it's raining - he can wait in the car if he doesn't want to get wet.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Fri 10-Jan-14 20:42:54

He's still trying to control you - you CAN make a stand against this. It's not acceptable.

JabberJabberJay Fri 10-Jan-14 20:51:41

Do handover at a neutral location. Or if he must come to your house hand the kids over and do not let him in. Make handovers as quick as possible. He has no rights over you. You can and must stand up to him.

As for his questions about your life, refuse to engage.

Tinyminx Fri 10-Jan-14 20:55:33

You're all ace and I've tried some of these. Told him he can't come in...he gets the kids to let him in. I've told the kids that he can't just wander around, but I understand they feel torn.
And believe me I am a complete bugger and do mess with his mind. Laura, your ideas are sooper...and I'll do more taking them to his.

BabyMummy29 Fri 10-Jan-14 20:58:35

Have the DCs all ready when he comes to collect them and don't let him over the doorstep.

My kids are grown up but I'm not allowed to go to XH's house as he refuses to speak to me at all.

Obviously it's harder for you as the Dcs are much younger.

Tinyminx Fri 10-Jan-14 21:00:12

I'll tell you all a classic story. I was going away with work. He and I hadn't dtd for years, so I was taking my rabbit with me (not some rspca confession here). I'd zipped it in the case lining, then packed.
Couple hours later he summonsed me into another room.
'Ive found what your taking and I'm disgusted!'
So I said, well it's perfectly normal, I'm not ashamed, and HOW did he find it...and he made up some bollocks about looking at my 'lovely clothes' that I was taking. I said if you root around, only you will be upset.
And besides, ask your mates if they'd be upset if they came home to find their wife having a moment...I doubt it!!

Tinyminx Fri 10-Jan-14 21:01:01

Therefore perhaps I should drape silk ropes at the corners of the bed, and hang up a spanking paddle and a blindfold - TEE HEE

fuzzywuzzy Fri 10-Jan-14 21:02:40

Have the kids ready and at the door, I'd keep watch and when you see his car draw up I'd have the kids out the front door before he's parked up.

If he asks questions about your life go selectively deaf, start talking to the kids and tell him what the kids need during their time with him. And what Lauriefairycakes said (report back tho)

JabberJabberJay Fri 10-Jan-14 21:06:15

Can you look out for him then bring the kids out to him when his car pulls up? That's what I do on the rare occasions ex comes to my house.

Would a neutral location work? Supermarket car park, macdonalds etc would avoid this issue entirely.

If your kids are letting him in, I think you need to talk to them about how you don't want ex in your home. I realise you will need to be sensitive about this as they presumably love their father but needs must.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Fri 10-Jan-14 23:28:41

Really you need to be there at the door when he arrives policing it. The kids can't let him in if you're the one to open the door. I know it's a pain but it's more of a pain him coming in snooping around.

Tinyminx Sat 11-Jan-14 07:03:24

Thank you all so much.

For an intelligent woman I've been pretty dim, huh?? But I've still being the one to appear reasonable...typical bloody woman smoothing it all over for everyone else.

Right. Time to make a stand!!

JabberJabberJay Sat 11-Jan-14 07:45:38

Good for you.

It doesn't matter whether he likes it or not.

Your house, your rules.

ivykaty44 Sat 11-Jan-14 07:56:51

Make sure the DC know that daddy asking them 101 questions is not OK, tell them it is fine if daddy asks questions and they want to answer but if daddy asks questions about mummy and they don't want to answer then they can say

You will need to email him yourself and ask and tell them to repeat when they have ASD enough

It will stop him eventually doing it

Not being able yo come in the house and you detatching may make this happening so preparing the DC is a good move for their sanaty

ivykaty44 Sat 11-Jan-14 07:57:24

Make sure the DC know that daddy asking them 101 questions is not OK, tell them it is fine if daddy asks questions and they want to answer but if daddy asks questions about mummy and they don't want to answer then they can say

You will need to email him yourself and ask and tell them to repeat when they have ASD enough

It will stop him eventually doing it

Not being able yo come in the house and you detatching may make this happening so preparing the DC is a good move for their sanaty

ivykaty44 Sat 11-Jan-14 07:57:24

Make sure the DC know that daddy asking them 101 questions is not OK, tell them it is fine if daddy asks questions and they want to answer but if daddy asks questions about mummy and they don't want to answer then they can say

You will need to email him yourself and ask and tell them to repeat when they have ASD enough

It will stop him eventually doing it

Not being able yo come in the house and you detatching may make this happening so preparing the DC is a good move for their sanaty

Custardo Sat 11-Jan-14 07:59:53

if he comes to yours - shout through the door - "just a minute"

make sure kids are ready and pen the door only when they are ready to leave

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