Husband has a secret twitter and adultwork account

(15 Posts)
LouizA1980 Wed 08-Jan-14 08:23:34

Hi, this is my first post on here but i desperately need the views of some other mums as i don't feel able to discuss this with friends/family.
It all started when my sister said i should sign up to twitter! Well i did and on searching for members with my family name,out of curiosity,i discovered that my husband had an account were he was following a lot of attractive women, some standard from TV but there were numerous porn stars and other women associated with chat TV channels. When i initially asked him about twitter he denied having an account and played dumb. By the time i confronted him about it he'd already deleted some of the women he was following and said how sorry he was for lying etc. I was obviously upset and felt like my confidence had taken a battering. Having had a baby 9 months ago i am feeling quite low about the way i look and my bust has always been small- the women he was following all had large breasts! Anyway, i thought that was the end of it but i felt that he was holding back about something so i did something that i have never done before and looked at his phone. I discovered that he had an account on adultwork! When i confronted him he was horrified and again was extremely apogetic about the upset he had caused me. He had been viewing women on the site and paying to view there pictures and videos. He claims that he never contacted any of the women as the thought of sleeping with an escort sickened him?! He said there was just something about the whole thing that turned him on! I forced him to log in to the account but he had already deleted lots of info but 2 things that really bothered me was that he was looking at women in our local area and had called himself a different name- why? He was buying credit for the site via his mobile phone to prevent me from seeing anything on our statements.I also discovered that he has been viewing pictures of some TV stars/ celebs in a state of undress at certain times of the day- suggesting he is only looking for one reason!
I am really struggling to get this out of my head and move on. There is part of me that feels like i've never known who he really is. I've always trusted him and now i don't no if i can ever fully trust him again. We have 2 young children so i desperately want to try and work it out and move on. I just feel so low. I was only just on the mend having suffered from PND after the birth of our 9 month old and this has really knocked me down again. Your views/ opinions are very welcome- positive or negative! I just don't no what to do! Thanks in advance

Mellowandfruitful Wed 08-Jan-14 08:27:04

Sorry to say this but I would be very sceptical about his claim that he made no other use of Adultwork. If you do a search for it on here you will find other threads about it.

Sunflower49 Wed 08-Jan-14 08:41:03

I would be sceptical too, however bear in mind that It's quite possible to buy camshows/content on adultwork without ever going near an escort-and I know plenty of men who buy camshows/watch porn but wouldn't pay for sex.

When you say he's been looking at women in the local area, who do you mean, escorts or camgirls?

I am on adultwork and often search local escorts out of curiosity. There is no saying he hasn't done the same...

Don't get me wrong, his lies are terrible and I am not sticking up for somebody who has hurt you badly.But being on adultwork does not mean he's paying for sex. For me personally, if a partner was using camgirls/looking at porn behind my back, I think I could salvage (an otherwise good!)relationship. If he had been paying for sex with escorts,that would be a different thing altogether.

Is it possible for you to stay with a friend/family member for a bit? What exactly have you said to him about this situation? Has he said why he's done it?

LouizA1980 Wed 08-Jan-14 10:37:52

Thanks for the responses.

He has been looking at escorts. He claims that he has no interest in webcams, eventhough he has obviously been curious about it as i found a link were he attempted to get a freeview. He says he just has a thing about escorts which he has not been able to explain to me fully. He claims he doesn't really know himself! He said that he looked locally out of curiosity and nothing else. I'm really not sure why he has done it but he did say on one occasion that porn was not enough. Porn has never really been my thing but i understand why he looks and can accept that but escorts is another matter and viewing escorts vidoes and pictures seems more personal in my opinion. I have spoken to him and told him exactly how i feel. I have said that i am willing to be more open about porn in our relationship and he accepts that.He has promised that he will never view any escort websites again- he had viewed others! He says that he doesn't want to lose me so would go near the website again. I am scepticle about this because he was clearly a frequent visitor to the site and from what i can gather its been going on for over 2 years!

Cbeebijeebies Wed 08-Jan-14 11:02:08

curiosity and nothing else

Local escorts? If he wasn't going to use them then why not look at any old escorts, rather than ones nearby? He may not have done it yet but I think you can safely say the intent was forming at least. So sorry OP. Nothing throws you off balance confidence wise like having had a baby within the last year. I hope this doesn't affect your confidence & you can direct that hurt outwards instead of inwards thanks

MissScatterbrain Wed 08-Jan-14 11:08:17

I am afraid he is lying and minimising.

Instead of sharing his joy and pleasure in being a new father, he has been spending family money on buying women's bodies for his own sexual gratification. Deleting stuff shows he has no intention of being honest.

Check bank and credit card statements for more evidence.

And get tested for STDs sad

Cbeebijeebies Wed 08-Jan-14 11:10:20

^ It would be much more salvagable if he wasn't continuing to disrespect you by lying further/deleting evidence...

Buzzardbird Wed 08-Jan-14 11:20:03

You need to tell him it is a 'deal breaker'. Why do you feel you have to compromise your feelings and be "more open" about porn? It is a misogynistic and abusing industry, why do you need to be ok with that?
If you feel you need space you do not need to uproot your DC's and stay with someone else, he can bloody well go! You didn't do anything wrong, he did!
You need to stand up for your opinions on porn though. Don't be a 'cool wife'

Buzzardbird Wed 08-Jan-14 11:21:34

I would also report this post and ask them to put it in 'relationships' topic if I were you as you get really 'informed' posters on there that give brilliant advice.

SinisterSal Wed 08-Jan-14 11:25:51

How magnanimous of him to accept you changing your views on porn.

Lots of men view porn and genuinely don't see anything wrong with it. Lots of women too (I'm not one, tbh) but once you know it was important to your DW surely you'd pick a happy marriage over a convenient wank?

It's the deleting stuff that seems suspicious to me. He hardly deleted the innocent stuff, did he? what he left was icky enough. This is horrible OP I hope you find a way through.

HowlingTrap Wed 08-Jan-14 11:28:42

Oh dear how awful op, whilst people do google stuff out of curiosity and account is another matter, when I read he has a twitter following porn stars and other women? its just to much together to dismiss. I would be confronting.

Grumpasaurus Wed 08-Jan-14 14:08:06

OP, is this really something you want to recover from? Porn is one thing, and although I am not personally a fan of it, have no concerns about those who are in relationships where it is enjoyed.

This is a bit different, however. What you have evidence of is low level use of prostitution. I suspect what he has deleted the evidence for is something a little more sordid.

I know you have DPs... Is this what you want them to learn is okay?

sykadelic15 Wed 08-Jan-14 18:25:01

Such pointless lies...

Twitter. If he'd told you about it would you have made an account and done it together? Would you have looked at it periodically? My reasons for asking is twitter is really just a stupid thing to lie about. Following "hot" women probably has to do with getting regular sexy photos of them. Daily porn. Once he realised you found it he stopped following some of the people. Either to hide the really bad ones, or because he realised it was wrong.

Adultwork I'd never heard of so I googled it. "providing a safe and anonymous environment where individuals can distribute and market their own adult products, services and content. Those who seek to avail themselves of such services can maintain their requirements online and browse the services on offer with ease.". It's not like he "accidentally" found the site and didn't know what it was for. He made an account. He deleted things and you STILL found stuff that distressed you. He was searching locally... that's the worst part really.

I agree with everyone else that there's probably more going on that you know. He's probably also spent a LOT more money than you know and I'd go to the bank and get some statements (or log online, whatever you need to). I'd also get copies of phone bills. BUT before I checked them I'd sit down with him and tell him how bad this is. I'd ask him to tell me everything, that this is his chance to start rebuilding the trust, and tell him if I found out he'd lied, that would be it. Then I'd check the statements to confirm what he'd told me.

Unfortunately though, your trust was broken pretty badly and you shouldn't HAVE to do investigating on him!

SabraCadabra Thu 09-Jan-14 21:32:44

Ive had a good old nosey on Adultwork and Punternet. I too looked in local area to see if any were local to us we may know.Just pure curiosity nothing more. Its possible he was just having a nosey.

WillowR Wed 15-Jan-14 15:02:06

My ex partner did the exact same. The fact he was looking at local escorts suggest he was looking to meet up. And the twitter account was obviously be unused for dodgy stuff or why would he not tell you about? What a jerk! I had my ex out the door as soon as he found out. I cannot understand why you would even consider staying with him. Makes me grateful for the loyal man I have

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