Do I have to invite the child my son is scared of?

(271 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Fireplaces Tue 07-Jan-14 19:34:23

Hi, hope you can help. DS will be 6 soon and is having a party at a local play barn centre.All autumn term, DS would come home and tell me almost every day about the behaviour of another boy in the class, let's call him Alex.

Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching. The teacher said to me that Alex was volatile and that DS should take care when playing with him. At that stage DS was still happy to play with Alex.

Just before Christmas though, Alex came over to DS in the playground, pushed him over and then "pulled him along the ground til he cried". It was witnessed etc and put in the book etc.

My issue now is that DS wants to invite all 30 kids in his class to his party, but not Alex. He says it because he is afraid that Alex will hurt someone and spoil the party. He is also scared of Alex now.

I am very aware that you can't invite the whole class apart from one child, but what are my options? I am not worried about the 'tea' part as that's in a small room where I can keep an eye out, but the first hour is in a massive play barn is massive with lots of places that are hidden from immediate adult view eg high up tunnels, sensory room. And there will be one teenager plus me supervising.

Alex has not been diagnosed with any condition or special educational need. I am a bit at a loss of how to deal with it. If I tell DS we have to invite Alex, he won't want to have a party at all. Help!

SoupDragon Wed 08-Jan-14 12:42:39

But I did not actually say excude only him.

Not explicitly, no but that is how it came across when you kept saying don't invite the vile, nasty, brattish bully without saying it would be better to, say, have only half the class.

Maryz Wed 08-Jan-14 13:25:11

You never mentioned only asking half the class - which by the way was my first suggestion.

You just kept insisting "don't ask him, don't ask him" and calling him names.

The reason you think I'm getting at you is that you seem absolutely incapable of seeing this from both sides, which I have done from the start.

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 18:24:36

Did I say I think your "getting at me " Maryz ?
I said we had a personality clash and a difference of opinion.
You are just another poster , its all just words on a screen . You dont like my opinions , thats ok you have your own.

I post what I think ... if you dont agree with me then you dont agree with me . If I dont agree with you , then I dont agree with you .

I do think perhaps your one of lifes optimists and see the good in most people ... im not . I tend to prepare for the worst .
I do not believe kindness can fix all problems ... I think some people do belive that . If that gives them comfort or hope then so be it . But neither do I think less of them for doing so ..

Ive actually said to many personal things on this thread and will ask for them to be deleted . These were only brought up to explain why i have the opinion i do

Feel free to also report anything ive said you dont like.

And I will try to avoid your threads and posts , but purely because this kind of derailment is actually unfair to the Op.

Maryz Wed 08-Jan-14 18:28:43

Oh, ffs, grow up.

Do you always have to have the last word in real life as well?

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 18:35:46

No , but apparently you do .

Maryz Wed 08-Jan-14 18:37:10

grin

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 18:40:20

wine

LittleThorinOakenshield Wed 08-Jan-14 18:40:26

Hee hee.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 08-Jan-14 18:43:13

Evening everyone,

We'd just like to remind everyone of our Talk Guidelines. In particular, the bit about disablist posts.

As well as obvious abuse and pejorative language, we take a dim view of posts suggesting that it's wrong to implement measures that enable people with disabilities to live a full life, or which seem to say that service providers shouldn't make reasonable adjustments so that disabled people can use services. As well as being potentially disablist, we think that such posts don't fit with Mumsnet's basic philosophy of support and advice for all parents. If you see any posts that you think we need to take a look at on this basis, do please report them to us.

BuntCadger Wed 08-Jan-14 19:23:04

《applauds》 well said kate

BuntCadger Wed 08-Jan-14 19:26:30

droves I know you would probably ignore this but as ever an optimist too I hope w Pitton bit sinks in. I think it may be helpful for you to take time in RL to go through some of the anger you seem to be harbouring still and spend time working through the issues it seems to of left you with. that is send with the kindest of intentions x

lljkk Wed 08-Jan-14 21:36:31

Let's teach him, over time, not to hit. Let's teach him to be nice by being nice to him.

But is that OP's job to do at her son's birthday party?
I don't understand the derailment, but wrt OP's dilemma the solution is obvious.

onwardsandsidewards Thu 09-Jan-14 12:37:29

Well, where do you start? How do you teach and include? Whose responsibility is it if not all of ours? Where should these kids go? What should happen to them?

When you start to look at the big picture children who are struggling have a pretty crap time of it all round, and so do their parents. Small acts of kindness and inclusion go a long, long way.

I've had people text me to arrange playdates immediately on receiving whole-class letters home to them regarding incidents involving DS1. I could have cried at the thoughtfulness, I probably did.

Not everyone thinks only their DC matter all the time (talking in general, not this specific issue). Honestly, I genuinely believe them that they think DS1 should have stayed in mainstream and more should have been done to teach others how to be around him and how to help him with what he finds difficult (in addition to all the efforts already happening with him).

That's what inclusion is. It's not always excluding the difficult child, although this does have to happen sometimes of course.

onwardsandsidewards Thu 09-Jan-14 12:48:10

Also never being invited to birthday parties is incredibly common for children with difficulties. Who is going to be the one to invite, ever?

Pigsmummy Thu 09-Jan-14 13:03:10

I wouldn't invite a boy that my child was scared of his party.

lljkk Thu 09-Jan-14 18:36:09

A playdate in a neutral place (like playground or swimming pool with child's own parents) would be a far better place to start.

DS is the "doesn't have special needs just a brat" boy in his yr. Whereas I was merely bullied for being me. So don't think I don't know what it is like to be socially excluded.

DS would much rather not be invited rather than only be invited because it's an all-the-class party. Had this 7 weeks ago.

differentnameforthis Sat 11-Jan-14 01:13:18

People frequently invite people to events despite not particularly liking them, or even disliking them, because it's the right thing to do, differentnameforthis.

I don't invite people I don't like to my events,....

MadIsTheNewNormal Sat 11-Jan-14 04:47:00

Neither do I!

Unless it would mean splitting a couple when I am very fond of one of them.

But even then, if I disliked one of them strongly enough I just wouldn't invite either of them.

walterwhiteswife Sat 11-Jan-14 07:14:25

why invite the whole class? cant you just invite the friends he plays with? my ds is 8 next month and is having his best friend for dinner (not literally! he prefers pizza! !) the problem is with kids parties that it all becomes a who gives the best party competition! !! my ds has 30 in his class and some of them he barely plays with! ! and I agree with maryz at 6 they arent bad they are just kids!!

crannster81 Mon 20-Jan-14 12:33:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cat98 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:43:20

Hi crannster, it might be worth starting a separate thread as you'll probably get more replies.
Does your son say why he doesn't want to go? How old is he?
My ds sometimes says similar about his best friends but it turns out they had had a disagreement and the next day all is rosy again. If he really doesn't want to go though maybe suggest meeting at a park or soft play - neutral territory, and you and the other mother can be there and you can see what's going on/what the dynamics are between them,
Ultimately if she keeps asking and your son doesn't change his mind I'd probably be honest, but tactful!

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