If someone told you your DH had an affair?

(58 Posts)
WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 15:58:35

If you had no indication of it, had no reason to suspect it, and the info came from someone known to lie, had a known agenda to cause trouble and had already tried to cause serious trouble for other family members, by lying.

A family member by marriage living in another country has just done this. Her agenda is largely around causing significant problems for her ex-DH who is related to DH and an attempt to stop a family trip from happening. She had already tried other things to stop it happening but was unsuccessful. She has chucked this in at the last minute, knowing if it were believe, it would ruin the trip. It allegedly happened during a trip abroad that DH went on with her, her exh (his brother) and she claims the affair happened with a friend of hers, 18 months ago.

My first reaction was that she was lying to cause trouble. DH denied it. He assured me he did not, would not. It is his word against hers as it happened at a time when I was not with him for two weeks and my experience suggests that as he is my DH and is not known to lie and i trust him, vs her already established reputation as being a someone not to be crossed if she is hurt (even prior to their very unamicable split) I am inclined to believe him. And of course, I absolutely want to believe him and I have no reason to doubt him, he has never been unfaithful in our relationship before, has been away from me before and it has never crossed my mind he would be.

What would you do? Leave it? Try to find out more info? She has not given me info, but said there are photos and I should ask her friend. My BIL said she is just trying to cause trouble, but of course he is going to say that! But, as I said, she has a very recent history of causing trouble and being very nasty due to their bad split, and before that, so it's not like she is someone of good behaviour who is usually lovely.

I would like to let it go. Would you? Could you? Should I?

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Wed 15-Jan-14 08:54:51

scarlett you are absolutely right. I have no intention of contacting her again. No reason to. I will still be able to contact my niece and nephew via facetime etc when they are with my BIL, and that will probably be as often as we did anyway, every couple of months or so, that won't change (just to clarify as I didn't mention niece earlier - she didn't come on the holiday, unfortunately she is older, and has been caught up more horribly in the ugliness of their breakup and chose to stay with her mother)

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Wed 15-Jan-14 08:52:05

Sorry for silence. I had this on hidden, so didn't automatically pop up in my threads, and I had to namechange to come back and post so kept getting distracted.

So. I emailed this alleged other woman, as I said in a previous post. I have not been hanging out for a reply, DH and I have just carried on as normal. We have not spent hours regurgitating this, but neither have we avoided talking about it, so she has been mentioned in a conversation where we were talking about her exDH as that is DHs brother/my BIL, and it's no different than normal. So, again, nothing raises my suspicions. I am not expecting DH to remain continually denying the accusation, and neither is he feeling he must continually reassure me. So, that, in a way, reassures me!

So, back to that email. I have checked today, just because I am incredibly nosey more than anything and she has not replied. It seems from FB that the email has not been read though, so perhaps she is not a regular FB user. Or, maybe she saw who it was from (sent from DHs FB account) and chose not to read it. Who knows, but either way, no response.

re my exSIL, again, no further contact from her. Complete silence since my last email which I sent the day of the email from her. I guess she has seen that it has not disrupted the holiday as planned, that everyone had a good time, including her exDH and her DS and her attempts at being a bitch didn't work and that DH and I are not broken because of it.

gimme funnily I don't feel particularly hurt at her actions. I feel a bit weirded out I guess (a lot), but, it is not so far from the kind of behaviour that I expected from her, it didn't absolutely devastate me, and that has kind of surprised me. My initial gut feeling was 'oh you are pulling some shit to cause trouble', rather than 'oh no my DH has been unfaithful', I guess because of her character over the years I have known her, it doesn't seem completely far fetched for her to pull this kind of shit. Although, I did initially feel it so bizarre that a woman would do that to another woman. But, as I said before, she has always made it clear that if someone pisses her off, she does everything she can to destroy them, and doesn't care who gets hurt in the process and this is one of those situations. Annoyed I think more than anything, a little angry, but again, not as angry as I thought I would/should be. i guess I know that would give her some satisfaction.

So, this is done for now.

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 14-Jan-14 11:49:43

I would say thanks for letting me know that information and just leave it at that.

If someone else gave me a reason to distrust him after that then I would be very weary.

I'd be hurt that someone would be so mean to make up stuff like that though.

scarletwitch Tue 14-Jan-14 11:31:49

I wouldn't give the woman the satisfaction of engagement. She is trying to cause problems and by you contacting her it's encouraging her, you trust your husband, she is a liar. Forget about it, block her email and have no more contact.

Grumpasaurus Tue 07-Jan-14 22:38:56

OP can I just delurk a moment to express my respect for you?

If that same situation had happened to me, I would have lost my shit and destroyed the holiday for my husband and his family. I would have wanted her to pay, and I would have taken y husband through the wringer to prove without a doubt that she was lying!

And for what?! To get to exactly the point you are at, where you have been reassured that the love and trust you have in your husband is indeed warranted! You guys sound lovely and level headed, and I am so happy that you have just flicked away the annoying mosquito that she is instead of rising to her nonsense.

I really hope if my husband is ever called into question like this... And if your DH is anything like him, I would wager my life that he just wouldn't cheat on me,... I would hope that I can respond with as much dignity, grace, and conpassion. Well done.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 19:43:57

lougle DH has a bad lying face too grin. His eyes sort of flit from one side of his head to the other when he is trying to act normally but caught at something. He knows I know this too and it makes it worse! Not that he lies about anything significant, but he has not always been honest about how much alcohol he has had to drink, or what time he got back from a friend's house. I watched his eyes closely during our conversations about this. He didn't try to avert his eyes. He didn't refuse my gaze, and he didn't look like action man.

I feel happier now I have some direction on how I am going with this, and some assurances that I am not necessarily a sap for not baking a huge fuss. And now that I have sounded my thoughts out and listened to your advice. I think, I feel relatively calm about it all, and that I trust my DH, but the doubts needing airing and I also felt that perhaps I was being a doormat by not going in guns blazing from the outset and demanding some evidence from either side so I am glad that trust is ok without proof sometimes.

lougle Mon 06-Jan-14 19:18:31

Well done, WhatWouldYouReallyDo. Completely the right decision.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jan-14 18:18:34

You sound very level headed and have done right from the start of the thread. It's why I haven't been firing awkward questions at you because you have asked them for yourself.

I subscribe to the "never trust anyone 100%" philosophy too, so I can identify with your questions. At this point, I believe your H too (if that is worth anything to you at all smile )

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 18:08:52

pharoah I understand why you think I should be concerned, and those thoughts have crossed my mind. But, his BIL is not him. he didn't grow up in the same environment as his BIL who grew up in a different continent (long story), his values, ideals, how we live our lives, what makes us tick, makes us happy, they are, and have always been so different to his BIL and that part of his family. They live a different world to us, so I don't think his BIL's sneaky behaviour is an indication of DHs behaviour, but he certainly has tried to pull DH into that behaviour by encouraging sneakiness. He clearly feels this is usual behaviour.

notaword I don't think it's unusual to question things when someone tell you them. I would be foolish I think to at least not have a conversation with DH about this, and to have blind faith with no reassurance, so yes, there was a seed of doubt. And I have addressed it I think. I don't think it means anything more sinister about our relationship. He has given no indication of being unfaithful in our 15 year relationship so far.

I have had another conversation with DH. it has been hard to talk without family or children around, so today we had a heart to heart. I asked him why he has not got angry (again), if he was intending to speak to ex SIL and find out what she is playing at, or contacting the other woman in question. He said the same thing again. He does not want to buy into her games, does not want her to have the satisfaction of thinking she has caused some trouble. He Says there is nothing to be gained from it. He has also promised me, again, that he did not have an affair, was not unfaithful then, or at any time in our relationship. He said he would not betray the trust we have in each other, and in the trust I placed allowing him to go on a trip abroad for two weeks with no questions or demands as I didn't need to, and is fully aware that if that trust was ever betrayed, it would never be got back and it would end our marriage, our family and he would never jeopardise that. He also said he doesn't want anyone other than me and that is why he married me. I can't really expect any more than that from him can I? He has not been agitated during this time, not stressed, just a conversation where he assured me that nothing had gone on, and I told him I believe him.

I said that I would consider contacting the woman in question as she has been badmouthed here and I would certainly want to know (and of course a little shitstirring of my own - I can't be all halo niceness about this can I wink and told her what her supposed or used-to-be best friend has been saying about her behaviour. DH said that he understands that I think she might want to know and hasn't attempted to stop me. He said he would do it if I wanted, as he knows her, I said that I would prefer to chuck that one into the mix. So I did. She has not replied and I don't care if she does to be honest. It was more of a cathartic move. She is not married (anymore) and has no children, so it's up to her how she plays it.

And I feel better. I have had my assurance from DH. I have told the accuser to take a hike. I have contacted the alleged OW and told her she has been badmouthed. I know think I am ready to just take this as it has come across - as malicious shit stirring - and put it out the door. I will never fully know for sure if anything went on, without a camera etc, and I am happy with DH's promises.

PharaohQueen Mon 06-Jan-14 13:47:53

I would be concerned now OP. With you describing the bil as sneaking around and lying to his parents about smoking, and then his parents describing his exw as a liar hmm I think there is a lot more to all of this than meets the eye. As I say keep away from the lot of them, if you trust your DH then leave it at that

lougle Mon 06-Jan-14 09:37:10

I would laugh and tell her not to be so ridiculous. But that's because I completely trust my DH, both in his actions, his words and his convictions.

Plus, he's a terrible liar. I'd know immediately grin

sunshine401 Mon 06-Jan-14 09:20:53

I'm sorry but my dh would be speaking to her in front of myself. He would not let any accusation as big as that alone because it is something that he knows would devastate me. Even though we trust each other completely and have been together for such a long time. It would not just be left. She cannot go around saying stuff like that and needs to be pulled up on her behaviour.

livinginthechickendrumsticks Mon 06-Jan-14 09:17:59

I'd be more worried if he was acting tetchy and bothered if I were you. His reaction,would be very similar to my DH's. He would tell me that he hasn't done anything wrong, so doesn't have anything to apologize over. I also see the pulling DBIL aside as an opportunity to tell DBIL to shut his ex up.

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 06-Jan-14 09:16:58

That sort of response does a shit-stirrers head in completely. Gives them nowhere to go.

Notawordfromtheladybird Mon 06-Jan-14 09:15:53

I wouldn't believe a word this woman said. From her timings, it's clearly a clumsy attempt to put a spanner in the works. The fact that PILs were able to get a restraining order against her should tell you the police agreed she was harassing them.

Odd that you have doubts about your husband based on what a bitter ex says. It reads like you have had doubts, period and any wild accusation was going to make these come to surface.hmm

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 06-Jan-14 09:15:31

I always loved the late Paula Yates response when an excited reporter ran up to tell her about some compromising pics had come out of Bob Geldof and a waitress (I think).

Her response , without breaking step : 'Ooh , I always knew he was a dirty bastard'.

You could say something similar like a breezy 'Ooh did he really, the little bugger (or whatever). grin

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:59:26

ok, I will be quiet all day, as off to work!

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:59:04

I asked him why he was not angry actually. He said what is the point. he has done nothing wrong so why should he be angry at her, which is what she wants. I have thought he should be more angry. As I said, i would be furious and I would not let it drop until I had said my bit to the accuser.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:57:45

and the other woman, there is no contact from her. She has not said anything to me. She has been named by SIL and allegedly has photos.

She is on his FB page, but there is no reason for her not to be. He knows her from the trip, they all had a great time, and joined FB friends as he did with others from the trip. He has not kept that a secret, he never made a point of either talking about her, or not talking about her following the trip. She has been spoken about in the same way as other people who went on the trip. She lives abroad and I do not know her other than that she is (was?) a good friend of xSIL and they used to be joined at the hip.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:53:49

anyfucker he initially said he was going to contact her and give her a piece of his mind, but then said he didn't want to speak to her as she was so horrible. He is happy to just let it go and not talk about it again. He is not losing sleep, worrying or acting weirdly, he continues to vehemently deny it, but also he is not making a huge deal about it. He has not brought it up himself, but will talk about it if I bring it up. Which, tbh I have not really done a huge amount, as what more is there to say? He said there are no photos as nothing happened. He said he did not behave inappropriately in any way which could be misconstrued as an affair through photos, ie skinny dipping when drunk, or having a snog with someone. he remains clear on his stance.

Not acting weirdly, apart from one thing. As soon as his DB arrived at where we stayed, he and his brother went out for a 'chat' and went to the pub (they had not spoken of the accusation before this, as brother was flying at the time and we were then travelling to where we stayed). However, his brother doesn't smoke according to the parents and they are very disapproving of the fact he might, he spent all trip pretending to go to the shops etc so he could smoke. He had travelled with his parents from other side of the world and I suspect was desperate for a cigerette, and put it down to that and the fact his brother likes a drink or two. But, when they returned, it had clearly been talked about as BIL said 'i hear you have had interesting emails from xx'. It was impossible to discuss further than a quick mention of how she was causing trouble for several family members and trying to ruin the trip as there were many of us there and i didn't want it to be a huge deal over the holiday for the others, (including his own child). I did have a worry that they were 'getting their stories straight' but DH said they just wanted to catch up. That is the only odd thing about it all, as they had all week to do that, and did. But, his family behave oddly like that anyway, having 'secret meetings' with the lads to discuss football and such.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jan-14 00:08:06

What is your husband saying now after an initial denial ?

Is he losing sleep, worrying, picking over details, second-guessing himself, demanding that this woman and her friend he allegedly shagged put their money where their mouth is ?

I would want some more action from him, in your situation

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 20:30:49

dinnae you have got her spot on. She is notoriously eager for a fight, always has been, always made it clear she will stamp on anyone who pisses her off, and I can imagine her being furious she has not succeeded in getting her own way with this. I am in fact surprised she has stopped emailing and it has gone quiet. Which makes me wonder if BIL has said something to her. They are in the middle of a very ugly custody/access battle, in another country and each is keeping score.

I shall sit for now and wait. Yes. Good idea.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 20:18:43

tinker it allegedly happened 18 months ago. Dh was in another country working for his brother on an entertainment event. Following the finishing and wind down of the event they went to a lovely island, him his BIL, BIL's now ex-DW and some friends, to 'de-stress'. He basically had a ball. And it was during this island vacation that he allegedly had an affair with friend of now ex SIL.

I was told about it one week ago, the day of a family gathering, the morning we were travelling from one end of the country to another to meet them from their planes abroad (big family event). I was told in a single line (well two lines) email initially. followed by 'sad, but true'. So a deep cleansing of her soul and helping me...

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 05-Jan-14 17:23:02

What I would do now is wait. She sounds horrendous so by you not rising to her bait she will be incensed. The ball is in her court and she will thwack the bugger back by sending the photos, if they exist. Wait for the post for a goodly few days now and if nothing arrives, there is nothing to worry about. Sorry you have this person in your life Whatwould.

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 17:22:49

How long ago was it? What would you do if something had happened ? If you would work through it, don't bother finding out . It would have to contact the other woman - after the trip,.

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