If someone told you your DH had an affair?

(58 Posts)
WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 15:58:35

If you had no indication of it, had no reason to suspect it, and the info came from someone known to lie, had a known agenda to cause trouble and had already tried to cause serious trouble for other family members, by lying.

A family member by marriage living in another country has just done this. Her agenda is largely around causing significant problems for her ex-DH who is related to DH and an attempt to stop a family trip from happening. She had already tried other things to stop it happening but was unsuccessful. She has chucked this in at the last minute, knowing if it were believe, it would ruin the trip. It allegedly happened during a trip abroad that DH went on with her, her exh (his brother) and she claims the affair happened with a friend of hers, 18 months ago.

My first reaction was that she was lying to cause trouble. DH denied it. He assured me he did not, would not. It is his word against hers as it happened at a time when I was not with him for two weeks and my experience suggests that as he is my DH and is not known to lie and i trust him, vs her already established reputation as being a someone not to be crossed if she is hurt (even prior to their very unamicable split) I am inclined to believe him. And of course, I absolutely want to believe him and I have no reason to doubt him, he has never been unfaithful in our relationship before, has been away from me before and it has never crossed my mind he would be.

What would you do? Leave it? Try to find out more info? She has not given me info, but said there are photos and I should ask her friend. My BIL said she is just trying to cause trouble, but of course he is going to say that! But, as I said, she has a very recent history of causing trouble and being very nasty due to their bad split, and before that, so it's not like she is someone of good behaviour who is usually lovely.

I would like to let it go. Would you? Could you? Should I?

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jan-14 18:18:34

You sound very level headed and have done right from the start of the thread. It's why I haven't been firing awkward questions at you because you have asked them for yourself.

I subscribe to the "never trust anyone 100%" philosophy too, so I can identify with your questions. At this point, I believe your H too (if that is worth anything to you at all smile )

lougle Mon 06-Jan-14 19:18:31

Well done, WhatWouldYouReallyDo. Completely the right decision.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 19:43:57

lougle DH has a bad lying face too grin. His eyes sort of flit from one side of his head to the other when he is trying to act normally but caught at something. He knows I know this too and it makes it worse! Not that he lies about anything significant, but he has not always been honest about how much alcohol he has had to drink, or what time he got back from a friend's house. I watched his eyes closely during our conversations about this. He didn't try to avert his eyes. He didn't refuse my gaze, and he didn't look like action man.

I feel happier now I have some direction on how I am going with this, and some assurances that I am not necessarily a sap for not baking a huge fuss. And now that I have sounded my thoughts out and listened to your advice. I think, I feel relatively calm about it all, and that I trust my DH, but the doubts needing airing and I also felt that perhaps I was being a doormat by not going in guns blazing from the outset and demanding some evidence from either side so I am glad that trust is ok without proof sometimes.

Grumpasaurus Tue 07-Jan-14 22:38:56

OP can I just delurk a moment to express my respect for you?

If that same situation had happened to me, I would have lost my shit and destroyed the holiday for my husband and his family. I would have wanted her to pay, and I would have taken y husband through the wringer to prove without a doubt that she was lying!

And for what?! To get to exactly the point you are at, where you have been reassured that the love and trust you have in your husband is indeed warranted! You guys sound lovely and level headed, and I am so happy that you have just flicked away the annoying mosquito that she is instead of rising to her nonsense.

I really hope if my husband is ever called into question like this... And if your DH is anything like him, I would wager my life that he just wouldn't cheat on me,... I would hope that I can respond with as much dignity, grace, and conpassion. Well done.

scarletwitch Tue 14-Jan-14 11:31:49

I wouldn't give the woman the satisfaction of engagement. She is trying to cause problems and by you contacting her it's encouraging her, you trust your husband, she is a liar. Forget about it, block her email and have no more contact.

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 14-Jan-14 11:49:43

I would say thanks for letting me know that information and just leave it at that.

If someone else gave me a reason to distrust him after that then I would be very weary.

I'd be hurt that someone would be so mean to make up stuff like that though.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Wed 15-Jan-14 08:52:05

Sorry for silence. I had this on hidden, so didn't automatically pop up in my threads, and I had to namechange to come back and post so kept getting distracted.

So. I emailed this alleged other woman, as I said in a previous post. I have not been hanging out for a reply, DH and I have just carried on as normal. We have not spent hours regurgitating this, but neither have we avoided talking about it, so she has been mentioned in a conversation where we were talking about her exDH as that is DHs brother/my BIL, and it's no different than normal. So, again, nothing raises my suspicions. I am not expecting DH to remain continually denying the accusation, and neither is he feeling he must continually reassure me. So, that, in a way, reassures me!

So, back to that email. I have checked today, just because I am incredibly nosey more than anything and she has not replied. It seems from FB that the email has not been read though, so perhaps she is not a regular FB user. Or, maybe she saw who it was from (sent from DHs FB account) and chose not to read it. Who knows, but either way, no response.

re my exSIL, again, no further contact from her. Complete silence since my last email which I sent the day of the email from her. I guess she has seen that it has not disrupted the holiday as planned, that everyone had a good time, including her exDH and her DS and her attempts at being a bitch didn't work and that DH and I are not broken because of it.

gimme funnily I don't feel particularly hurt at her actions. I feel a bit weirded out I guess (a lot), but, it is not so far from the kind of behaviour that I expected from her, it didn't absolutely devastate me, and that has kind of surprised me. My initial gut feeling was 'oh you are pulling some shit to cause trouble', rather than 'oh no my DH has been unfaithful', I guess because of her character over the years I have known her, it doesn't seem completely far fetched for her to pull this kind of shit. Although, I did initially feel it so bizarre that a woman would do that to another woman. But, as I said before, she has always made it clear that if someone pisses her off, she does everything she can to destroy them, and doesn't care who gets hurt in the process and this is one of those situations. Annoyed I think more than anything, a little angry, but again, not as angry as I thought I would/should be. i guess I know that would give her some satisfaction.

So, this is done for now.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Wed 15-Jan-14 08:54:51

scarlett you are absolutely right. I have no intention of contacting her again. No reason to. I will still be able to contact my niece and nephew via facetime etc when they are with my BIL, and that will probably be as often as we did anyway, every couple of months or so, that won't change (just to clarify as I didn't mention niece earlier - she didn't come on the holiday, unfortunately she is older, and has been caught up more horribly in the ugliness of their breakup and chose to stay with her mother)

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