If someone told you your DH had an affair?

(58 Posts)
WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 15:58:35

If you had no indication of it, had no reason to suspect it, and the info came from someone known to lie, had a known agenda to cause trouble and had already tried to cause serious trouble for other family members, by lying.

A family member by marriage living in another country has just done this. Her agenda is largely around causing significant problems for her ex-DH who is related to DH and an attempt to stop a family trip from happening. She had already tried other things to stop it happening but was unsuccessful. She has chucked this in at the last minute, knowing if it were believe, it would ruin the trip. It allegedly happened during a trip abroad that DH went on with her, her exh (his brother) and she claims the affair happened with a friend of hers, 18 months ago.

My first reaction was that she was lying to cause trouble. DH denied it. He assured me he did not, would not. It is his word against hers as it happened at a time when I was not with him for two weeks and my experience suggests that as he is my DH and is not known to lie and i trust him, vs her already established reputation as being a someone not to be crossed if she is hurt (even prior to their very unamicable split) I am inclined to believe him. And of course, I absolutely want to believe him and I have no reason to doubt him, he has never been unfaithful in our relationship before, has been away from me before and it has never crossed my mind he would be.

What would you do? Leave it? Try to find out more info? She has not given me info, but said there are photos and I should ask her friend. My BIL said she is just trying to cause trouble, but of course he is going to say that! But, as I said, she has a very recent history of causing trouble and being very nasty due to their bad split, and before that, so it's not like she is someone of good behaviour who is usually lovely.

I would like to let it go. Would you? Could you? Should I?

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:04:38

We had a brief conversation about it if you can call it that. I told her I was still going on this trip and that I was sorry her relationship ended so badly but was quite sad she wanted to destroy ours too. I think she was drunk when she sent me the email(s) due to the times they were sent from abroad, and she has not sent any more since that brief exchange.

Buzzardbird Sun 05-Jan-14 16:05:30

In my case (as I must stress I mean MY case) I would ask her to prove it. Obviously you know her better and have an idea it is all made up. If you can live with leaving it there the I would do so.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:08:06

buzzard I am not sure I want her to prove it. Is that wrong?

I suspect she is lying. But what it it's wrong. Do people really lie like that? About that kind of thing, to hurt others? I have not even done anything to her, she has told me this to get at her ex-DH, to ruin his trip to UK with her DS as she could not stop him from taking their DS on this trip.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:08:45

'what if it's wrong' that should read.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 05-Jan-14 16:09:55

I would definitely ask her for proof, but even if it were true there probably wouldn't be any proof to be seen.
I would take it with a pinch of salt, or even call her bluff and say that dh had come clean about it some time ago and you'd moved on from this a long time ago. grin

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:11:43

she told me the morning of the day family from across the continents were due to meet, just before we met. Knowing that, if i addressed this, if I believed her, all hell could potentially let lose and the trip would be horrendous for her ex and she would be proven vindicated that the trip was a bad idea. I didn't let that happen.

But, the accusation still sits there. It's really unsettled me despite me siding with DH.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:12:47

morethan I was tempted to say to her that he had confessed, that I was devastated, etc etc, to see how she handled this, but, really, I don't want to play games and just can't bear to converse with her.

TheBookofRuth Sun 05-Jan-14 16:13:10

I wouldn't believe it, and I'd defend my DH (and my marriage) to her. But I trust my DH absolutely, and he's never given me any reason not to.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 05-Jan-14 16:13:13

Ask to see the photos and talk to the friend, ideally on Skype face to dace so you know it is her.

Or just believe your husband. It depends...There are a couple of people I know who lie like this and I really wouldn't bother to give them the satisfaction of following it up. It can cause difficulties between you and your husband if he sees you need him to prove his innocence etc.

Just take it slowly and don't do/say anything rash.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:15:29

I had actually told her that his trip was an unusual trip which brought him experiences and a lifestyle that was not his usual family life, what might have happened over there was not for me to be involved in. I didn't want her to think I was bothered either way enough for her to get to me. But, if were actually true, I am not really sure I would really feel this way.

TheBookofRuth Sun 05-Jan-14 16:15:39

Try to look at it the other way, how would you feel if this accusation had been made, falsely, about you, and your DH took the word of a known liar with an axe to grind over yours?

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:19:33

thebook that is how I feel. I trust DH. And I have told her so. I have said to her that our relationship is solid and I was sorry that her relationship had ended so badly, but please kindly stop trying to do the same to ours, as we are stronger than that. I have reminded her that, should I be inclined to beleive her, had she considered the absolute destruction this could cause to a family, to our young children, just so she could get one up on her xdh? I asked her to think about that. She has not replied since that post.

I have spoken with DH about it, I showed him the email straight away, with no accusations, I didn't ask if it were true, he told me it wasn't true. I have told him that I believe him. I have no reason not to. I have just never encountered anything like this before and I have largely ignored it for the week of our family trip, but it is still there in the back of my mind. Not that I don't believe him, but that it has been chucked into the mix.

Timetoask Sun 05-Jan-14 16:24:24

I would leave it. If she ever contacts you again, tell her your marriage is strong and to please not contact you about this again. Don't allow her to plant a suspicious seed in you. Some people are horrible!

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:24:36

yego that is what I am thinking. Digging for more info suggests I don't trust him to be truthful to me. But, then I have been wondering, does blind trust exist with everyone? should it? or should I be questioning more? I mean, men do lie, and even relationships that appear to be solid and completely based on trust have ended due to a partner being unfaithful, so it does happen. I just don't believe it has happened to me. Or is it that I don't want to believe it?

<sigh> I guess these are the things that are sent to test us. We have had our relationship tested hugely over the last years, but not relating to trust, more to do with disability occurring and pressure that has brought, we have got through those things, and other difficult patches, because we trust each other and can rely on each other.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:27:03

time I guess I have been very lucky with friends and family, despite there being some horrible situations and conflict, I have never, ever, come across someone lying in this way and I guess that is why I have questioned, because I have never experienced someone playing out their dramas so publicly, and with such a destructive intent. I guess I just struggle to believe that a woman would be so vile to another woman who she had got on relatively well with and that is where the seed has been planted, so so much disbelief of DH being honest, but that someone could lie in this way.

ajandjjmum Sun 05-Jan-14 16:29:54

Can you not say 'you are a proven liar, and I will not believe you until I am given absolute proof. I love and trust my DH totally'.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:30:19

thebook if this accusation had been made against me, I would be fucking furious, I would be making contact with that person and asking her what the fuck she thinks she is doing/he is doing. DH is not angry, has not made contact with the person in question, and has asked me to block her email so she can't make more nasty comments. I have said that if and when I chose to block her email it will be because I want to. He was a bit cross that I would not refuse to contact her again, I said that I am an adult and I would decide if I entered into any future contact with her regarding this, he could not insist I didn't contact her again.

But, yes if it were on the other foot, I would be steaming angry.

PharaohQueen Sun 05-Jan-14 16:31:15

It is times like that that people who have been holding secrets let them out of the bag. I was very upset about my exh having an affair and his parents not believing me, so I told them about their other children who had had affairs over the years. I had said nothing at the time for peace, they annoyed me by not believing me, so I gave details about the others affairs so they would believe me. I wish I hadn't done that now, they showed their true loyalty and it was with their adult son, I should have known.

Having said that there are a lot of liars out there, and she could be making it up.

If I were you I would go with your gut instinct and believe who ever of the two of them I trusted to tell the truth.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:32:31

aj I think I will say something along those lines to her, if she makes contact again.

I am erring on the side of ignoring her until she makes contact again, I am sure she will at some point. Unless I do block her email.

PiratePanda Sun 05-Jan-14 16:35:11

Call her bluff. "Yes, I know all about it - we've recently decided to have an open marriage" - and see what her reaction is? Though that would open you up to more gossip I guess.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:37:06

pharoah well I married DH and I love him and have never had any reason to not trust him. He told me he didn't and I have no reason to not believe him. She has a history of being dishonest and trying to hurt people. So my instincts say believe him because I know him. But, many people who have a partner cheat on them believe them at first, many of those are married...

ok, I am off to check on the roast chicken. If I don't come back straight away, I have not done a runner, just busy for a time grin I am also going to hide this thread, as I don't want DH to read it just yet. Or my nosey DD...

Timetoask Sun 05-Jan-14 16:37:09

Pharaoh, why did you get the other children involved in your business? Not a nice thing to do.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 05-Jan-14 16:38:04

Id say send me the photos or fuck off.

I wouldnt trust god almighty 100%, much less a human being. But anyone who wants to make a claim like that has the responsibility of proving it.

PharaohQueen Sun 05-Jan-14 16:42:33

Hang on the history of lying, is that to you or is it her exh that says she is a liar and trouble maker? If she is a prove liar to you then don't trust her. Just because someone is a drama lama does not make them a liar.

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