marriage mess(6 Posts)
I'm really sorry to blurt on here but feel I have nowhere else to turn. I'm 35 married for 8 years with 2 children. We got together when I was 24 and had our first soon after. Basically I feel unloved and somewhat neglected in our relationship. Hubby is a good man he works, provides and is good with the kids. I feel I give my all but get very little back. We haven't had sex for over a year. I won't initiate it anymore for fear of constant rejection, just before last xmas we had sex a couple of times but he said I had bad breath and pushed me away. I was so hurt, it then came out it hurt him to physically do it.after much talk he went to the doctors and it turned out he had a major problem with his foreskin he ended up having surgery in march which I fully supported him with. But still he won't come near me. I know he watches porn as my son was playing on his phone and said what's free porn! I feel as though we are like brother and sister best of friends but no intimacy. He's very hard to talk to because he's either indifferent or sarcastic belittling me or turning things into a joke (hes very immature by nature) I've feel like I've nothing left to give, I try to do all his favorite meals, I do all housework etc and go to work. Sometimes I feel as if I'm his mom. I suffered a bout of depession last year and started drinking quite heavily, but that is behind me now and I'm feeling strong. Often think what happened to the funloving confident girl I was when we met! Is this how longterm marriages are meant to be? I always think of leaving but then think at least he doesn't hit me, he works etc, what about the kids, and I love him so much! Sorry for incredibly long post any advice or a different perspective would be fab Ty xx
Someone better to advise will be along soon, but I really think you are trying faaar too hard. What effort is he making? If it's all been there on a plate for him for years, he is now taking it as his due.
Cook your favourite meals, let him do some housework, telling him not to be so fucking rude to you and then rip him a new one for nearly exposing your young son to porn. You are young, probably not halfway through your life. How does spending the next 40+ years with him sound to you? Do you like the thought, or does it fill you with dread? You might have your answer right there.
Sorry, hope you are ok and glad you are over the depression.
Is this how longterm marriages are meant to be?
In a word, no.
Please don't suffer in silence, staying in a situation like this because on the bright side, he doesn't hit you, is soul destroying.
Quite simply if one day you meet someone who offers a kind word and shows you the sort of attention you've been missing, I think you'll deeply regret the time you're wasting now. You want more than a pay packet and some sort of chaste sibling companionship don't you? Before anyone else comes along to complicate matters, tell your H you have had enough.
The marriage vows that get two people to promise to be each other's faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, don't mean one person flogs herself to death while the other coasts along only suiting himself for the rest of their natural.
I think this is a tough one. Whilst I don't disagree with the other posters who are essentially saying LTB, I think there is a lot more to it than that. In fact, sadly, I think this is quite common in many marriages (especially if kids are involved), and it takes open and honest communication as well as joint effort and compromise to start to re-shift the balance in the right direction.
My advice, and it is just advice: schedule time in for an open chat. Ask him in advance to write down what he is happy with in your relationship, what e might be struggling with, and what he would be willing to do to make things happier. He probably isn't wholly satisfied or happy either, but may not be as aware.
If you do the same, go from there... And I agree that in the mean time, you need to bring a bit more of a 'fuck it this is what I need and want' attitude to the table ;-).
Also, I think you need to ask yourself whether you do love him, whether he loves you, and whether you still cherish and respect each other. If the answers to those questions are positive, then rebuilding is possible
I would suggest relationship counselling. If he's not up for it, explain how you feel. If he won't change his mind you have to decide if you can see yourself putting up with this forever - as once he stays like this for some time he isn't likely to change
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