Have you ever slapped your DH?

(129 Posts)
MrsW0931 Wed 04-Dec-13 14:33:16

and if you did, what was the reason and exaclty how did your boyfriend/husband react?

Casmama Thu 05-Dec-13 14:16:37

I agree with cats- I don't know why you are acting like a victim.

If a little kid hit a bigger kid in the playground who then retaliated then you would think the little kid was a bit stupid for starting on the big kid and both kids were in the wrong. I don't see a difference here.

HotCrossPun Thu 05-Dec-13 14:17:41

No, never.

If I hit my DP or he hit me I don't see how our relationship could continue.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 14:23:00

You started it.

AdoraBell Thu 05-Dec-13 14:24:11

Your slap may not have hurt physically but have you given any thought To the emotional side of this.

The person who quite likey tells him that she loves him physically assulted him. That means that the actual physical paín is worse than it otherwise had been, had he been slapped by a random assailant.

If this were the other way round people would be telling you it's not "just a slap".

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:25:57

I dont understand what ive said to give off the victim impresison? ive openly said about 4 or 5 times that i know i shouldnt have hit him. but i didnt 'start on him' he obviously did something to cause me to hit him i wouldnt have lashed out for no reason.
My question was simply do you think a man is within his rights to push a woman after she slaps him for being disrespectful or should he have walked away?

Casmama Thu 05-Dec-13 14:30:23

"I didn't start on him he obviously did something to cause me to hit him"

No he didn't - you decided to hit him, he didn't cause it.

Reverse the situation here and see if you would question if you were wrong to push your husband if he had just slapped you.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 14:30:46

You started the physical stuff.

You haven't apologised to him either have you.

SilverApples Thu 05-Dec-13 14:31:36

Most of us try and teach our children to walk away from a fight, or to shout instead of responding physically.
Why did you have an argument in front of your children? Why did you slap him instead of walking away?

Hollyandbooze Thu 05-Dec-13 14:32:42

Never. I would not and neither would he.

You need to learn to control yourself. He was within his rights to defend himself.

Hollyandbooze Thu 05-Dec-13 14:33:43

Oh and men are people. People should not have to put up with being slapped.

purplemurple1 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:35:30

I think we've covered you started it so can't really complain, personally I'd be OK if OH pushed me away and I happened to fall over the things behind me but if he forcefully pushed me over, i'd think it was out of order as a retaliation to a slap.

That would be similar for anyone tbh - if someone slapped me and it didn't really hurt I wouldn't hit them so hard as to force them to the ground but i sure as hell would push them away from me.

Only the 2 of you know which it was, although it sounds like the first.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:40:16

ok, i will ellaborate on what happened before i slapped him. he was trying to get something out of his wardrobe but some of my things were in the way. i was downstairs at the time but ran upstairs after hearing things crashing on the floor and him swearing to find all of my things thrown out into the landing simply because he had lost his patience. I responded by telling him to watch his langauge and pick up all of my stuff. He refused carrying on his search in the wardrobe and then saying abusive things to me, he then retaliated to me having a go at him for trashing our room just because he didnt have any patience by picking up my things and throwing them out of the window.
At this point i walked up to him after asking him to stop before hand and slapped him. then he responded by pushing me over as i already mentioned.

so - what should i have done, just let him destroy my things because he is too strong to physically take them from him before he throws them out of the window?

If it was the other way around, he would have just walked up to me and physically stopped me trashing his stuff. i couldnt do this.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 14:40:48

"she slaps him for being disrespectful"?

As others have said, reverse that situation. What would you expect us to say to a woman who was asking whether she was within her rights to push her husband after he slapped her for being disrespectful! Most of us would be outraged at the husband's behaviour, and that he was trying to use the 'she was asking for it' defence - but you seem to be claiming that your husband deserved to be hit?

I think people are saying you are playing the victim card because you want us to say that your husband behaved more badly than you because he's bigger than you. He didn't. You both behaved badly, you more so because you began the physical violence and you actually hit him, so were more violent than he was.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 14:41:50

I think most people have agreed he ideally should have walked away. Just like you should have walked away, if your anger was out of control, instead of slapping him. Adults should not be hitting or shoving each other, regardless of gender, especially not parents in front of their children.

I'm concerned you think he said or did something to 'cause' you to slap him. How does that work? Don't you have control over your own arm muscles?

Neitheronethingortheother Thu 05-Dec-13 14:42:28

I have had rows with dh before that ended up physical. Tbh there is normally really unacceptable behavior and words been thrown about before it escalates to that stage. You need clear boundaries put in place for way before it can get to that stage. At the first sign of disrespect someone needs to walk away and let things calm down until they can be discussed in a calmer state. I think once it goes to name calling or deliberate obstruction then you need to take time out and come back at it again. When you look at the behavior your dh was displaying before you hit him, what buttons was he pressing? what was he doing to make you feel so annoyed? you need to take responsibility for escalating the argument. If you had not hit him then it is unlikely that he would have responded in a physical manner. I know how it feels in the aftermath of something like this. You will both be drained emotionally, feeling immense guilt for allowing your children to witness it, hurt for what your partner has said and done to you, sorrow for what you have done (although that might come later), regret, fear that it could happen again etc.. try and work out the trigger for those head to head conflicts and put something in place that means it can never go there again.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:43:19

i slapped him and that was it, i backed off. he walked closer and then shouted in my face and forcefully pushed me backwards knowing i would fall over as the toys etc were right behind me.
It wasnt a push to stop me 'attacking' him as i simply slapped him and stepped back away from him.

Pancakeflipper Thu 05-Dec-13 14:44:37

My mother used to slap my dad in arguments. He never physically touched her and would just leave the house until calm.
One day he threw a Pyrex jug at her (at end of his tether, it missed but dont think he was actually aiming at her) in view of me and siblings. I was 5yrs old. I have never forgotten my terror and fear.

Please never do this in front of your children. Decades later its etched in my mind.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 14:44:48

OK - x-post.

There's a massive drip-feed if ever I saw one!

However, physical violence still not acceptable. You could have closed the window to stop him throwing your things out of it? Or walked away from the situation, taking the children with you, and waited for it and him to calm down before asking him what he thought he was doing and how he was going to put it right.

sparklysilversequins Thu 05-Dec-13 14:47:03

You shouldn't have hit him but he shouldn't have pushed you over, which was a much more serious attack and I don't give a crap if anyone calls it double standards. He wasn't defending himself, presumably he's bigger and stronger than you? If a man hits a woman back and hurts her then calls it self defence that's bollocks, it's not defence it's revenge. He should just walk away or do whatever he needs to do to defend himself.

peachactiviaminge Thu 05-Dec-13 14:47:31

You are victim blaming and need to stop normalising your violence towards your partner. You are lucky he's still with you, get to counselling and figure out if your relationship can be saved.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 14:48:15

I didn't start on him he obviously did something to cause me to hit him

If a man said that on here we we would say that he was an abusive twat and that it's never the woman's fault as the man should be able to control himself.

Your DH was justified here.

And actually, if my DP did this to me, in front of my children then I would leave him. No matter what is said, there is no need at all to show your children you acting like that.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 14:48:55

Just saw OP's latest post. Are you both 5 years old? Throwing things around in a tantrum, slapping and shoving each other? hmm

I feel sorry for your children, tbh.

sparklysilversequins Thu 05-Dec-13 14:49:22

Right cross posts. He's an abusive prick with anger management issues and he would be out on his arse if I was in this situation.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 14:49:33

Why shouldn't she just walk away instead of hitting him in the first place?

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:49:58

Thanks eitheronethingortheother, you pretty much hit the nail on the head and im greatful for your ability to stand back and see it from both sides of view.
I have gone through all of them emotions, iv sat and thought how can i stop myself reacting in that way - like you say what had he done to push my buttons and how can i stop it getting to that point? it all tends to happen in seconds and then after seems like a blur but i have been in a relationship with someone else for 7 years and never once slapped them - or any other man for that matter. He on the otherhand has had viloent arguments much more frequently than this in his previous relationship and its becuase when he gets wound up or angryhe just doesnt care who he upsets or what he says - throwing my stuff out the window, its my stuff he doesnt have the right to do that so how can i stand by and just let him?

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