wwy advise friend to do, ex wants to go on jeremy kyle

(22 Posts)
qazxc Mon 02-Dec-13 15:55:57

I have a friend (let's call her sharon). Sharon has recently split up from her partner (let's call him John) after five years living together. During this time John has been abusive, first verbally then physically. Police were involved so she has proof of this. One of the reason she stuck it out so long is that they have a 4 year old DD that he doted on.
Now she has left, his nose is obviously out of joint and he is now claiming that she is a whore and DD isn't his. He has refused contact with DD. When they bumped into each other in local supermarket DD ran up to him shouting "dad, dad", he refused to hug her and said "it's not dad, it's john". DD is obviously hugely upset and doesn't understand why she has gone from "daddy's princess" to being ignored.
John has said that the only way he will accept that DD is his is to go on Jeremy Kyle and do a DNA. He will not accept any other DNA test, says he doesn't trust them and that he will be "stitched up" .
Sharon does not want to go on JK, as she thinks that he will use it as a platform to spread more vile rumors about her, be verbally and emotionally nasty to her and she doesn't want her DD to ever see that.
John is now going around saying "well that just proves I'm right, and why does she not do it if she had nothing to hide, etc...."
Sharon is now very confused, she doesn't know whether she should bite the bullet and do it (she knows how the test will turn out so she would be to some degree vindicated) or just continue as she is.
If she was your friend what would you advise?

MrsLettuce Mon 02-Dec-13 15:57:58

I'd advise her to cut all contact, move away if possible and contact the CSA.

Pagwatch Mon 02-Dec-13 16:02:00

Sharon should not be confused.
She should contemplate her DD sitting down in 10 years time to watch her dad calling her mother a whore on television while a baying crowd cheer along.

It doesn't matter what her ex says to locals. Those who like/love her and her DD won't care. Those who don't like her don't matter.

vulgarwretch Mon 02-Dec-13 16:02:39

Totally agree with MrsL. John has shown that he is willing to hurt his daughter to upset Sharon so he's not worth having in her life anyway.

Nobody is taken in by his ranting about 'why doesn't she go on Jeremy Kyle to prove it'. Nobody in their right mind would go on Jeremy Kyle.

Mattissy Mon 02-Dec-13 16:03:26

She should say no and move on. If he can reject his dd so easily, proving he is the father won't change him. He's a tosser, Jeremy Kyle won't change that.

gamerchick Mon 02-Dec-13 16:06:00

God no.. I agree with pp.. no child should ever have access to footage of their parents laying into each other on TV.

Yes to cutting off contact.. its his loss. Inform he csa and let them deal with dna.

eurochick Mon 02-Dec-13 16:08:24

Hell no. Pagwatch has it.

Contact the CSA. If he disputes paternity, they can organise a test.

Yes to CSa so if he wants DNA they do it

No to the Kyle show, it's grotesque and will just give him further opportunities to be abusive to her

uptheanty Mon 02-Dec-13 16:12:57

If she goes on the JK show and proves the child is his, he will find another reason to berate and bully poor Sharon.

It will NOT stop.

Don't do it, no good will come of it and it will affect Sharon's dd's life afterwards.

He's a bastard, no matter what he'll never be reasonable.

F****r.angry

qazxc Mon 02-Dec-13 16:20:46

uptheanty That is exactly what i think.

I think she wobbling because she is not mentally and emotionally recovered from the abuse, her initial instinct was right.
She probably wants to make things right for DD, and for her to have a good relationship with her dad. But he is flushing that down the toilet to hurt sharon more, so I don't think it's going to happen.

qazxc Mon 02-Dec-13 16:25:44

John reckons the CSA will "stitch him up". That they either "go for the easy touch" or that Sharon will offer some type of sexual favor to the parent to get the result she wants. hmm
He has said that he will make it very hard for her and the CSA to "get money out of him". I swear this bloke has hit every branch on the asshole tree.

qazxc Mon 02-Dec-13 16:27:54

sorry will offer a favor to the person doing the test.

Pagwatch Mon 02-Dec-13 16:30:43

So it shouldn't be hard for you to persuade her that she should not, in a million years, go on tv with him.

I think that he doesn't want that specific dna test, he wants the chance to publicly humiliate her and she should not give him that opportunity.

She can refuse to allow him to control her and can go down the csa route without his consent and should do this.

tbh, he probably won't pay even after jeremy kyle, but I doubt he would do that anyway. But please do everything you can to dissuade her from allowing him to do this to her.

LineRunner Mon 02-Dec-13 16:37:22

She should have absolutely fuck all to do with that awful, exploitative TV show.

She should completely resist the pressure to appear on it, and completely resist the pressure to provide a written or telephone 'statement' to be read out in her absence. In fact she should refuse to speak to the researchers by telephone or in person and report them to the police for harassment if they persist.

No good can come of any of it.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Mon 02-Dec-13 16:37:45

Sharon should ignore what John thinks, because John is deluded and clearly thinks everyone is out to get him. News flash: He is not that important.

Sharon should cut ALL contact with John and recognise that it is not her responsibility to make him have a relationship with their DD, indeed, it is not within her ability to do so because she cannot force him to see her, or to be a good father when he does see her. Once she takes his ability to get to her away (by avoiding any contact with him at all) he will show his true colours and either have a relationship with his DD or not. I would suspect the latter, and Sharon should know that it doesn't matter what she says or does, he would have done this eventually anyway and it is in no way her fault, although he will probably somehow twist everything and try to make her think that it is. It is not. It always is, was and will be his choice.

qazxc Mon 02-Dec-13 16:42:58

I think she knows herself really, I think him using the DD has thrown her through a loop. He goes from being horrible, to "if you do this, we can move on, it'll all be ok". He's very manipulative and she's had 5 years of being "conditioned" IYSWIM. I don't think she'll do it, I just wanted to see if i could glean extra advice as to what to tell her.

qazxc Mon 02-Dec-13 16:49:55

Bertie I will use that thank you.
line runner i will also tell her not to speak to them on the phone. it didn't occur to me that they might do the show without her there. Surely they can't do a test without her consent?

God, can you imagine being talked down to by that awful, awful man?

listen this and madam that?

And all from a man who, well, let's just say that between his previous gambling issues and the reports about his treatment of his eldest child by his first wife (who reportedly called him a raging hypocrite), he should probably be a guest on his own show.

How would they get the dna required from the daughter since the 'father' is refusing to see her?

qazxc Mon 02-Dec-13 17:05:12

Well i thought that surely they won't have him on just bleating on about his ex. They'd have to have her consent for test to get access to DD. But to be on safe side, she probably should not talk to anyone from that show.

LineRunner Mon 02-Dec-13 17:09:48

I doubt they could do the DNA test, but they might attempt a different angle where they try to lure her in.

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