Letting DD Visit Oman. Or not.

(38 Posts)
WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 14:40:13

I need some advice and any experience would be welcome please. I have nc as a precaution.
DD is almost 7. Her father has never lived with us and we split after he cheated. We had a 4 year relationship which ended when DD was 22 months.

Ex retired from his UK career a few (4) years ago and since then has worked in Oman. He has not seen DD for 3 years and hasn't even spoken to her since then and he hadn't seen or spoken to her for almost 18 months prior to that. So as you can see, DD doesn't really know him, though she does tell me she loves him and draws pictures of him with us in a family scene! I don't bad mouth him to her or in front of her and of course, she doesn't know my feelings about him and she's never asked.

Anyway! Ex in the past, has by email asked me about DD visiting him in Oman (with me), but he did not even mention my eldest child, not that that is relevant really. I ignored that question and he hadn't brought it up again until now. Here's a C&P of the last line of his email: "Take care and tell DD i love her. Id like you to consider letting her come over here for a visit...."
My reply to that was "To be honest, I'm not convinced that visiting you over there is the best idea, but I will give it some thought."
His answer to that came to me yesterday: "Why is it that visiting me over here wouldnt be a good idea? And for who? The opportunity to see a new place, culture, people, different place (s) different things.......It may be that she could actually like to see these things."
The entire email came across as angry and rather 'in my face' and as yet, I haven't replied.

I'm sure some of you will think me a paranoid and selfish person, but after what he did and how he did it, he is not the person I thought he was and if you ask me if I trust him, the answer is no I don't; I doubt I'd even trust him to visit her without me in this country for fear he'd take her away.
He is charming and manipulative and I am worried that if I go over there with DD that my rights in that country will be nil and I feel that I might well end up coming home without DD and totally against my wishes...

I'm not sure that anything anyone says will make me feel differently, but I'd welcome thoughts, experience and advice. I've never been to that part of the world, so have no first hand experience of it.

Thanks if you've got to the end....<dons hard hat and flame retardant suit>

NotALondoner Wed 13-Nov-13 14:00:18

With regards to the American birth thing, the last I read was that she had flown over and been let in, so that's that really. Poor woman.

WhatSayYou Wed 13-Nov-13 13:42:16

I think so too. I can't understand why it's so important to him that she go there unless it is to attempt to keep her sad

Middleagedmotheroftwo Wed 13-Nov-13 13:29:43

If he loves her so much, he should come to her. It would be cheaper anyway than flying you both to Oman.

I agree that Oman would be an interesting experience for her - but when she's a teenager, not now, when she's 6.

WhatSayYou Wed 13-Nov-13 13:25:47

Just wondering a couple of things...

What would you tell your child?

Ex wants to Skype with DD and I know that he'll probably be trying to engage with her about going over there. I haven't said anything to her about anything because A, I don't want to poison her against him well, I do, but I wont IYSWIM and B, I in her innocence, she'd probably let the cat out of the bag 'mummy says you might keep me if she brings me to visit you' kind of thing.

Also, what should I tell him as he'll want an answer? <sigh>

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 23:23:28

How did it turn out?

Slainte Fri 08-Nov-13 16:54:31

Sorry for derailment OP.

Slainte Fri 08-Nov-13 16:54:13

I remember that one Leopoldina - how did it end?

Leopoldina Fri 08-Nov-13 15:16:40

this thread is making me wonder about the girl who was considering going to the US to give birth to be near the one night stand father, & how that one turned out.

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:16:28

Chipping I have PM'd you.

Slainte Fri 08-Nov-13 15:16:09

Exactly what Chipping said and always listen to your gut instinct.

Grennie Fri 08-Nov-13 15:15:39

Ask him to come here.

I have read too many horror stories of mums in similar situations who spend years trying to get their children back. Even if you travel over with her, he may be legally able to prevent you taking your child out the country again.

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:14:08

shock Buster thank you for that. It kind of makes the decision doesn't it. If he gets nasty about any decision I come to against his wishes, I'll send him that (which will anger him all the more and he'll be very angry that I could even think he'd do such a thing. I can't win can I?!

School run, will be back tonight.

Thank you all!

ChippingInBatshitArse Fri 08-Nov-13 15:12:12

It would cost you a lot more to try getting her back from Oman than whatever you would lose in maintenance sad

ChippingInBatshitArse Fri 08-Nov-13 15:10:54

Not A Single Hope In Hell.

If he wants to spend time with her he can come here. End of.

You would have NO rights there, none. You would be mad.

dyslexicdespot Fri 08-Nov-13 15:09:47

I agree with FunnyRunner.

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:09:47

That's my thought too hermione

I know he will make this all very difficult for me. His way of punishing me is to stop paying maintenance. He's done it twice before.

BusterKeaton Fri 08-Nov-13 15:08:34
ProphetOfDoom Fri 08-Nov-13 15:08:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hermioneweasley Fri 08-Nov-13 15:07:09

Agree with TimeToAsk

And ALWAYS listen to your instincts.

No fucking way, evenif you go with her. Once you set foot there your rights are zero.

FunnyRunner Fri 08-Nov-13 15:05:28

I wouldn't even contemplate it.

MistressDeeCee Fri 08-Nov-13 15:03:32

I feel as if Im somehow being stereotypical here...in that Im thinking 'oh no its middle east, he's going to keep DD there*. He is her father, and he may just want to establish a bond with his DD and isnt planning anything untoward at all. But in reality, I agree 100% with Timetoask

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:03:10

Yes, he probably means for me to take her. I couldn't afford it myself, no. He'd probably pay for us to go over, but then would he expect me to pay for my hotel? spending money? I have no money and what about my eldest? couldn't leave home alone and I'm a lone parent. Heck, none of us even have passports as I couldn't afford the renewals!

Can't really tell you why I think he'd take her....call it a gut feeling.

I'm now as happy as I'm ever going to be for him to build a relationship with her, but not out of the UK.
I don't believe women have many rights over there. I have no idea if he's decided to become a citizen over there. I keep thinking about that poor woman that had her children taken from her by her husband in that region. I know Ex is British, but he's a cunning and educated man and if he wanted to do something like that, he'd go to any lengths to do so.

DD's birth cert proves she's his in legal terms.

Ehhn Fri 08-Nov-13 15:02:17

Thought this was going to be about "how safe Is Oman" - lovely country, lovely people. But having read your thread, I definitely think you should not send your daughter over to a man who has shown so little interest until now. Oman is a great country, but outside of the EU you could have some major issues legally/politically about getting your child back.

If you go with her, that'd be ok. And you'd have an amazing time in a beautiful country!

JanineStHubbins Fri 08-Nov-13 14:56:16

If he hasn't seen the child in almost 5 years, then it's totally out of the question that she visit him in Oman.

Timetoask Fri 08-Nov-13 14:56:14

No, I wouldn't.
I would be very worried about going to an arab country were woman are second class citizens. Specially as you don't trust him.

I would tell him that if he wishes to start a relationship with his child, he is most welcome to come to the UK on a regular basis and spend time with her.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now