WWYD - Family trouble

(24 Posts)
blueskyy Tue 15-Oct-13 10:26:43

Hello, I'm looking for some friendly advice..

It's two weeks away till my wedding and my sister/ maid of honour called 4 days ago to say she wont be staying for the evening do (inc. cutting cake, first dance..) because she has another party to go to. I was really hurt by this as I thought we were really close. But now I feel devastated because my parents (who rarely call me anyway, it's always me who calls them) rang straight after her call to tell me not to be selfish and that I'm making something out of nothing. And that was the last time I've heard from any of them.

I live far from them and feel lonely a lot of the time anyway, but now I feel really hurt and that it has cast a shadow over what is supposed to be a happy time.

Am I over reacting? And how do move past this?

Thank you xx

Apileofballyhoo Tue 15-Oct-13 10:31:21

Can you get another maid of honour? Your family sound appalling to me.

Wow, that is truly awful, I am appalled that she would do that. I would be tempted to ditch her as moh, and get someone else!!

Floralnomad Tue 15-Oct-13 10:40:08

That's awful . Where is the wedding ,is it where you live or near your parents ?

blueskyy Tue 15-Oct-13 10:49:06

Thank you... I felt it was just me being over sensitive!

We have planned the wedding near where they all live as we know more people there, rather than 250 miles away where I live.

I have two other bridesmaids thankfully (an old friend and my other half's sister).

Floralnomad Tue 15-Oct-13 10:52:05

The bottom line is do you want to fall out with your ( delightful) family which you will do if you dump your sister as maid of honour . Personally I'd probably just live with it but keep it in mind for future decisions ie godparents etc .

Editededition Tue 15-Oct-13 10:52:35

Bless you, I felt so sorry for you when I read this that I couldn't read and run though am not sure what advice I can offer - because so much depends on the bigger picture of these relationships.

If you feel they have always treated you badly, that there is little relationship there, and possibly losing contact is neither here nor there .....then I would actually email to say you understand its an issue because DSis also wants to go to a party ...but that you need your MoH to be on hand in the evening (to help with hooking up dress for dancing ....ensuring presents are collected up ...checking the evening service is running well....all those little things that good MoH's just 'do') and if she doesn't want the job, then that is fine but that you will need to ask someone else to step up.
Then just leave her with the choice.

And I would be inclined to email your parents and suggest that if they see it as not selfish of your sister to leave your wedding half way through the event, then you are certain they will understand it is also not selfish to choose a Maid of Honour who actually does want to be there.

However - if the opinion of these poeople matters to you greatly, if you do not want an upset - then I think all you can do is email to say you are really upset at her choice, but will obviously put up with it.

I know which I would do ....but then I went 'no contact' with narc parents decades ago!

Have some flowers OP
I hope the family you are marrying into are lovely - and there for you.

anon2013 Tue 15-Oct-13 10:56:45

Sorry to hear about this OP. I echo what was said before you do need a MOH there all day/night (I needed mine to help me go to the loo in my dress!) so respectfully tell her that it's absolutely fine but get another to be MOH. Totally unreasonable behavior by your family OP, hopefully your New family are far more lovely smile

anon2013 Tue 15-Oct-13 10:58:38

If she doesn't want to be there for you on one of the most important days of your life then more fool her angry

blueskyy Tue 15-Oct-13 11:55:31

Thank you so much for your concern, I really appreciate it! :-)

I never even thought about what do when going to the loo!! I'll have to ask one of the other bridesmaids - or even my husband-to-be as he's my best friend too!

Unfortunately my family has a history of brushing things under the carpet where feelings are concerned so I don't think there is much I can do that would make a difference other than distance us further.

I've just spoken to my sister (she called me!) and is really upset that she's hurt me, but still plans to leave early and is upset that I'm thinking of not having her as maid of honour.

I hope I'm not being a wimp, but should I just keep the peace? But remember not to trust them in future.

Thankfully my other half's family are the opposite - they shout, argue and then see reason to resolved issues and they have been very supportive. They were horrified when I told them of my sister's plan.

Thank you xx

anon2013 Tue 15-Oct-13 12:11:49

What's the event that's so important OP? Is she young and afraid of missing out on a party?. I'd let her go and not let her be MOH I think but I don't get why she'd leave her sister's Wedding

blueskyy Tue 15-Oct-13 12:17:17

It's a Halloween party that she'll be performing on stage at (dancing - not for money but with a dance club). She was invited to do it last week and agreed knowing that it was the same day as my wedding.

Rosencrantz Tue 15-Oct-13 12:20:32

How mean are your family? Got a bestie that can step up and do the job?

anon2013 Tue 15-Oct-13 12:21:11

You'll be having a fantastic day and won't notice she's gone. You hardly get 2 minutes with your DH on your wedding day anyway. She's the one losing out now you smile

PoppadomPreach Tue 15-Oct-13 12:22:16

There is ago likely no question that your sister is being utterly selfish.

I'm so sorry, OP. But do not let ANYONE tell you that you are being unreasonable. And definitely get a new maid of honour.

Very, very best wishes on your wedding day.

PoppadomPreach Tue 15-Oct-13 12:23:23

Ago likely? No idea how that crept in, sorry.

If you want to keep the peace (you shouldn't feel that, but I expect you don't want more stress in the runup) then why not just let your sister call herself MOH if she wants, but ask your other bridesmaids if they could 'step up' since she is being a selfish cow otherwise engaged that evening.

That way you avoid the blowout, but have useful assistants for the evening.

Beyond that, focus on your new in-laws and try not to let your own family hurt you by being selfish and useless. You can't change them, you can only avoid them or not let it get to you.

Editededition Tue 15-Oct-13 12:41:02

So - going with the flow of your posts, situation sorted? DSis will come during the day, and will be a Bridesmaid but knows she cannot now be MoH.
I think you have handled that as well as could be expected flowers
If she is upset ....well, that makes two of you, should anyone query you on it!

Who will you choose as the new MoH?

blueskyy Tue 15-Oct-13 12:46:00

Thank you so much for your kind words! xxx Great suggestions - I'll ask my other two bridesmaids if they are happy to help in my sister's place and just let my sister think what she wants to about her role..

I feel much better for your support! I would love to show my family your comments but I know it would just add to the drama. So I'll keep the peace for my sake (I'm an anxious person as it is!) and just make the most of everyone else who will be there on the big day!

Thank you xxx

blueskyy Tue 15-Oct-13 12:47:56

I think I'll ask my friend to be chief maid of honour as she so kindly and wonderfully organised my hen do anyway! :-)

anon2013 Tue 15-Oct-13 12:52:21

In that case she should 100% be MOH as the hen do is the MOH's job!

sherbetpips Tue 15-Oct-13 13:00:21

and remember, she one day will also be married.......

Editededition Tue 15-Oct-13 13:00:46

Sorted!! smile smile smile

Have a wonderful wedding day.

blueskyy Tue 15-Oct-13 13:03:03

Thank you so much!! xxx

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