ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
MIL issues!(7 Posts)
Me and my DP have been together for almost 2 years now and have a beautiful DD of 7months. We've recently got engaged and many issues we thought his parents have got over seem to be starting all over again.
Since being with my DP a few things have become apparent...
1- They have incredibly high expectations of their son
2- They're controlling, needy and manipulate at every given opportunity
3- Nothing is ever enough
They act as if my partner owes them for bringing him up properly, his mum constantly puts on the water works whenever he doesn't obey her, calling him a failure and a disappointment. The other day after spending a weekend with them she started an argument with him regarding him not respecting them and when asked how her evidence was pretty poor (laughable)! Us not looking overjoyed to see them (weird considering all they do is bully their son)when we randomly bump into them in the street and not making a big enough deal about their anniversary (we went on a cruise with them, watched them renew their vows, made them a personalised plate with our DD'S footprints on and brought them all champagne of which we drank with them to celebrate with a meal) Apparently their son should have done a speech and made a toast and this was worthy of tears?
She then went on to rant about her involvement of our wedding (we haven't even booked a date yet) saying we don't want her there because we are sitting with our grooms men and bridesmaids at a table instead of them and she's not allowed to plan anything (she had her chance when she got married?!) Apparently me asking her to help me choose flowers and decorations isn't enough?
She's so horrible and controlling I just dont know what I'm meant to do (My DP knows she's a manipulator) but they're his parents, he says he just thinks we should cut them out but does it really have to come to that?
This isn't a one off, this screaming fest happens every couple of months when someone else has something happening which removes the limelight off her. IE me becoming pregnant, my birthday, DP's birthday, Xmas...ANYTHING.
I'm sick of watching them nag and bully my DP and making everything about them, help?!
Wow. I feel great about my in-laws now!!! Sounds like she needs some counselling, to be honest...
If your partner wants to cut out the toxic relationships in his life, I'd stand by him. Especially as he's choosing that and they're his relatives, not yours.
You'll never change the in laws! I can understand him not wanting to make room for such nonsense, although I personally would reduce contact massively, rather than cut it out altogether.
As I was reading I was expecting you to finish saying that YOU want him to cut them off but he won't! In my experience, the MIL often (wrongly) wins over the partner when a choice is made, so I think you're quite lucky he's not tied to the apron strings that way!
he says he just thinks we should cut them out
It's his decision, your job is to say "Yes, dear" and bring tissues/nod/mmhmm when he wobbles about his decision.
I agree with the given, and would add that if [possible, DP should make it clear to his mother that it's his decision. She'll probably blame you anyway, but it's probably worth a go.
Well, my DH decided to cut his family out. It is hard, he grieves, and to be honest there are times when it casts a shadow over our family (we have two children) and marriage. I'm sick of it (bad day today). We aren't out of the woods with this issue by any means.
But but but: it is still better than enduring the unpleasantness, the bitter rows we only had when with PIL because they made us both a bit crazy, the manipulations, the constant petty battles and the rejections.
The fact is that if he is anything like my DH he probably accepted his family until he met you and finally had a loving, functional relationship with another person. Now he's realising his family aren't nice to him and he doesn't have to put up with it.
If your DH has concluded there is no prospect of improvement, no decent relationship to be had, cut them out and don't look back. It is only worth hanging on if there is a real chance that things will get better. That is only likely to be true if the problems are recent not long-standing and caused e.g. by something (illness, bereavement, job loss, whatever) that will improve over time).
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