I don't like my dad (and I'm in my 40's!)

(6 Posts)
amumthatcares Wed 18-Sep-13 10:13:25

Just that really. My 'father' is an awful man. I have three brothers and throughout my life, he has always had an issue with one of us where he won't speak for years. In the last 5 years, 2 of my brother have hit him (on seperate occassions), he's that awful.

Being the only girl, I have always tried to tolerate him to make it easier for my mum who we all love dearly. He actually struggles to be civil to us (his own children) but will be Mr Personality to a complete stranger. He doesn't even speak to my DH who has gone above and beyond the call of duty to help him in the 22 years we've been together (doing more for him than my brothers).

He is jealous of everything we do or have. He will critcise if we buy something nice (like a new car) and refuse to look at anything we have done in the home (on the very rare occassion he will even visit us) but if he buys a new biro it is the best thing since sliced bread and we are supposed to be happy for him. He wouldn't willingly do anything to help us or his grandchildren - even they don't like him, but he seems oblivious to it all.

There is so much I could say about him and nothing nice. I don't think I can bear it any more, but my mum is getting older and her health is getting poorer and I don't want to do anything to upset her. If I confront him, I will be barred from the house which will be awful for my mum. My brothers couldn't give a toss about him but for some reason, whenever I have horrible thoughts about him, I feel guilty. I think it is because I think I shouldn't feel that was about my dad sad What do I do?

Tee2072 Wed 18-Sep-13 10:16:09

Accept that you don't like him and move on.

I recently did that about my mother. If she wasn't my mother, we'd never be friends. She's not a nice person, even though she thinks she's the greatest and so does everyone who is not one of her children.

I still talk and interact with her and even, on occasion, enjoy her company, but for the most part I don't like her.

Find that place where you can just sort of dismiss him from your mind or where you can accept he's not a nice person, if you're not willing to cut him out of your life completely.

amumthatcares Wed 18-Sep-13 10:25:43

Thank you Tee You say you still interact with your mother but my father won't even speak civily to me and so it is very hard to even be in his company. I visit feeling happy and come away seething!

Tee2072 Wed 18-Sep-13 11:53:06

So just ignore him back. If he is uncivil, raise an eyebrow and turn your back on him.

There is no need to be nice to someone who isn't nice to you.

cq Wed 18-Sep-13 11:58:42

Can you arrange days out with just your mum? Get her to come and stay with you and leave him at home? She must see what he's like?

My dad turned out to be a complete shit, had been having multiple affairs while we were growing up and we knew nothing about it. He's self-centred and selfish. He left my mum eventually, and remarried - and didn't invite any of his kids to the wedding.

I have very little to do with him, for a variety of reasons, but I still have this deep-rooted affection for him - he's my dad after all. But I realise this is different to your situation, OP. On the rare occasions when I do see my dad, he is always pleased to see me and especially the DCs.

amumthatcares Wed 18-Sep-13 12:54:57

Thank you Tee When put like that it makes perfect sense. I just wish I was stronger where he was concerned - though anyone else would say I'm no pushover and can stand my ground.

cq That is exactly my situation except for the he is always pleased to see me and especially the DCs part. Why do I feel this underlying loyalty towards him? Maybe because I was brought up to respect my elders. How ironic!!

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