DS has no friends.(15 Posts)
New poster,although long term lurker. Have no RL people I can speak to and hope someone can offer some advice. My DS is in yr 5 and we have lived in our town since birth. My DS has reached breaking point as he has realised today that he has no friends. Trying not to cry he has relayed a story tonight how xxx doesn't speak or ask to play and he thinks he doesn't like him along with xx and xx they don't acknowledge him either. In fact I don't think anyone likes me as no one speaks to me. I'm heartbroken as I have noticed this when I see him in the playground in the morning he hovers and won't go over to anyone and no one comes to him. When I say you OK? Why are you not going over to xxx group as they are who he is in a football team ,who my DH runs he just says I'm OK Mum. He does have severe anxiety and low self esteem and this had been the break point. What would you do? Any advice please
can you invite someone round to play?
Have you had a word with his teacher?
First of all it is very good that he feels able to speak to you rather than bottle it up. In my experience it is important that you don't let him know how upset you are because he might be reluctant to talk to you for fear of upsetting you.
When I was in a similar situation I spoke to the school and they were very helpful at devising a low key support plan to strengthen old friendships and begin new ones.
Thanks for talking. This is only the 2nd week back but we had problems last yr too. He was bullied for a while but that got nipped in the bud and seems to be OK just no one wants to be friends. I haven't spoken to his new teacher although will do. We have asked lots of people round but no one invites him back. He can come across as desperate when people come round needing assurance that they like him but of course don't say they don't but don't play the next day. I think I have made an issue without meaning to which now I have probably highlighted it more to him. Will speak to school and hope they can help.
Does he have any interests?
Would joining an after school club help boost his confidence a bit.
Karate or scouts or something.
I have found that widening the group of contacts with friends children, Beavers etc is good. Also let him know that it's ok not to have friends at school - I have told my DS in no uncertain terms that his "school friends" are not the whole picture, and that the main part of his life is outside school. This seemed to work for him - gives him a bit of defence against "neediness". Heartbreaking though, for both of you, I know. When he's older he will know that it made him stronger.
Loves his football. Just booked him into swimming lessons and have thought about Karate or something similar. Will look into doing that as maybe needs other interest out of school and football as all the same boys do both. Thanks
Unfortunately as a family we don't have many friends so all try to socialise with mums and kids from school. Will try to socialise outside of school etc and join new groups. It is heartbreaking especially as he just wants just one friend who could come over . He watches everyone else going for sleepovers etc and wonders why he can't have the same.
I agree with being quite accepting to his face to keep the line of communication open, and that if he has friends or interests outside of school they can bolster him.
I am surprised that your dh runs the club that he has no friends in. What does your dh say about your ds or the other boys?
Try going slightly outwith your area eg different cub pack - we did this and it saved the crushing miserableness of being on the outside of the cliques away from school as well as inside.
If you can, I found that a "home lunch" once a week (very high status activity at DS's school) really seemed to help - great for him and added a bit of "specialness" if he'd been for a picnic, or had the BMX track in the park to himself in his lunch time.
The Football lads are not horrible to him although they will be in a group and when my DS comes along he will go over and they just accept he's there but carry on showing each other things and treat him as if he's invisible. DH is struggling with it as he sees them all go off together and feels for DS. If he asks someone to come back home they decline. Football is what DS loves so easier for DH to carry on as no other local teams.
How heartbreaking for you all. I agree with all the advice given.
Is your school/class teacher approachable? If so I would have a chat with them about it.
Not sure how new teacher is seems nice enough. We have drop in sessions so will go and have a chat. Hopefully she can help me to improve things so he doesn't feel so isolated. Thanks everyone.
Another word of support for going in to speak to teacher. You may need to press - it can be tempting to play down your concern so you don't look too 'anxious' but that is not always the best idea if you want teach to see how seriously you take it. It sounds as though you're doing all the right things - inviting boys over, encouraging outside interests. I wouldn't worry about no return invites - that can reflect busy parents as much as anything else - but the key thing is whether they accept the invites to yours and seem to enjoy it when they're there.
It's a cliche i know, but martial arts with the right teacher really does seem to boost confidence.
Is he the right age for minecraft or similar? If the other boys are playing, it can be a great shared interest to talk about, and quite 'cool'.
Loads and loads of sympathy to you all, dh included - this can be so upsetting. My main advice is to press school to foster friendships - good idea to come away from the school meeting with an actual plan - or if teach needs time to think about it (reasonable enough!) a follow up meeting next week.
My ds2 is exactly like this. He even plays football in team Dh runs! Anyway is year 5 age 8 to 9?
Ds2 had issues last year (age7) as everyone in his class older than him as he was in composite class. I bought this book how to make friends from www.socialsmartkids.com as he had been having problems at school and saying he was lonely and had no friends. He then admitted he was nervous so this book explained there are rules to follow and he likes to follow the rules and was able to understand things better. He then started initiating play with boys in class by asking them if they wanted to play football at lunchtime etc. I also spoke to school as the issues pertained to the composite class and not being able to join his cohort at lunchtime (they went for lunch earlier so by time he had finished lunch they've all been playing for 15 minutes and made it harder to join in. This was solved by Ds1 inviting him to play and he wasn't standing about himself. Hope things work out for your Ds.
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