Would you keep this friend?

(36 Posts)
hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 15:03:39

This might be long, sorry.

I split from ex several years ago. At the time I had a close and supportive group of friends who really helped me through it. I was able to talk through all the emotional and sexual abuse I had experienced and having them there gave me the strength to leave.

My friendships seemed strong and solid for a long time but then I met my dh. Shortly before we married he suffered a serious injury and has yet to fully recover. Because of this he has not worked in 3 years although only recently claiming benefits as he had a lot of sick time and holiday to use up from previous job (very good perks, position etc)

Anyway the self proclaimed "queen b" of the group decided my dh was faking for the benefits (he has never claimed dla). From then on she has done nothing but gossip and back stab. She has become best friends with my ex, no one in the village will speak to us or let their dc's play with ours. She has told my ex a pack of lies and I believe his anger over what he heard is at least partly the reason he has cut contact with dc's.

She has also submitted malicious reports to my ll, the benefits agency and social services. All agreed it was malicious and nothing happened about them but was very stressful at the time with having a disabled child and newborn twins to deal with too.

So now I have basically no friends, the few that stood by me have not been in touch since I had the twins. I was left with one very close friend who knows everything

I love her to bits and would hate to lose her but ...

She has recently been getting friendly with the queen b again - spending time together and going on about her a lot. I can't be bothered with all these playground antics and I don't want friends I can't trust.

I feel like I have been hurt quite badly but I've come out stronger but that I'm not willing to have people take the piss but at the same time I'm not interested in forcing people to 'choose sides'

She has texted asking to meet up and I honestly don't know what to do. Do I continue this friendship despite feeling like she'll be reporting back to queen b about anything I say or do I just throw in the towel? Wwyd?

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 20:15:02

Anyone?

Toizzy Wed 04-Sep-13 20:18:05

hi there
have you tried telling your friend how you feel about her being in contact with the other one?

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 20:22:18

Sort of. She has made reference to thinking she should cut her off but then she doesn't but I think it's because a) she is quite lonely herself & b) she is worried about the fallout

I'm not the first person that 'queen b' has done this to and nor was I the last hmm

I'm not very good and being assertive or expressing myself when it comes to my feelings so probably have avoided really discussing it properly. I know I'm being a coward

Toizzy Wed 04-Sep-13 20:24:40

I especially can't understand why she'd be going on about the "other one" if she's aware of the situation?

Toizzy Wed 04-Sep-13 20:30:24

Do you mean she might be afraid that QB would turn against her as well?
I can understand it may be difficult for you to discuss this openly with her but i think i'd give it a try. After all you says she's a very good friend and she knows your "story" which i think is valuable.

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 20:30:38

Me neither, I have actually said "I'd rather not talk about her" but she still does!
I'm not sure why. I do know that my friendship means more to her than this other one and that she does see a lot more of me but I guess I'm secretly wanting her to cut all ties

In my defence I am extremely loyal and would do it for her

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 20:38:14

I know you are right but I just don't know how. It has taken a lot for me to be able to have disagreements with my dh as I'm so used to not being allowed to disagree.
My father was very over bearing and then with my ex being the way he was I just don't have faith in my own ability to evaluate a situation so struggle to express myself clearly.

I tend to always think "I must deserve it" or "it's my fault" and I just know I will accept whatever she says and not push it in order to keep the peace

knickernicker Wed 04-Sep-13 20:41:43

I don't think I could live in a village with no one speaking to me or letting children play with mine. Have you considered moving. I think I'd have to. It must be so stressful to be so ostracised.

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 20:44:16

It's very stressful and we are moving soon (thank god!!)
It's hard not to be depressed tbh especially as dh may shortly need surgery. We got a puppy though and walk her elsewhere - loads of people speak to us then so it's helped enormously smile

laeiou Wed 04-Sep-13 20:48:19

Maybe queen b is putting out feelers and your other friend is uncomfortable saying "no, I don't want to meet you" to queen b. Maybe queen b wants to remove your last friend from you. Maybe she wants a source of info on you. Can you be confident that your friend can meet B without talking about you, or divulging info? Either way I think your friend is probably quite uncomfortable herself.

Serious question- would you consider moving?

Have you read the Wendy threads here?

laeiou Wed 04-Sep-13 20:48:58

Xpost

EasyMark Wed 04-Sep-13 20:53:10

I would slowly drop contact and move and make new friends as I could not live with thinking about all the stuff friend could tell queen b about me. If she.is talking to you about her she will b talking to her about you.

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 20:54:09

Yes I have (have namechanged but been on mn a while) and yes she is just like that.
I do think she is uncomfortable but I'm not sure I think it's a good enough excuse iyswim

BananaPie Wed 04-Sep-13 20:55:02

If you don't like playground antics, don't use them yourself. Adults don't cut friends out of their lives - just meet her and rise above it all.

Toizzy Wed 04-Sep-13 21:18:48

No it's not a good enough excuse really, especially if your the one suffering from it.
Good for you for the moving, a fresh start sounds good.
Easier said then done , common abuse reaction i think, but please don't think you deserve bad things, or it's your fault etc.
Has helped me, as i always had similar thoughts, to always view a situation as if a friend was living it , it allows me to be objective.

are you moving far? does that mean you might not be getting to see so much of this friend anyway?

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 21:19:14

It's pretty tough to say rise above it all after everything we've had to endure. It has been hell. One of our twins was rushed to hospital at a few weeks old (being a small village this was common knowledge) and we came home to a call from social services who came out and read from the letter which was horrific and totally unfounded but the contents of which made it obvious who it was.
Social services have been amazing and instrumental in our forthcoming move but 'rising above it' is pretty hard to do tbh

My friend was horrified by this which is why I don't understand what she's doing. I probably will see her but don't really know what to say, it's not like I can discuss my life as I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that anymore

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 21:22:13

We aren't moving that far but far enough for new schools and different people but could still easily see her if I chose to

Toizzy Wed 04-Sep-13 21:24:13

Perfectly normal to find it difficult to "rise above it" regarding all that happened.
In the long term, or not so long, you may well find it too stressful and not worth the effort to see her without knowing what her relationship is with QB.

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 21:32:16

Thank you toizzy, I really appreciate the support as I'm feeling pretty fragile.
On the other hand I think pp has hit on something. I do have a tendency to pull away if things get tough instead of dealing with it head on. I mustn't have always been like this as I'm still good friends with people I went to school with so some of my friendships are 20+ years old - sadly we are all spread over the globe now though. It isn't very 'adult' to just avoid the issue altogether and ignore the text though is it?

I am really bad at bottling things up and not showing how I really feel - for example I pretty much never cry or get angry at people and I know I'm seen as a pushover.

You could meet up with you friend and tell her that because of the dreadful impact the other woman has had on your family life you are finding it difficult to stay comfortable in her company while they are friends.

You could write yourself a script or some notes to help you through the conversation and explain to her that you feel some space is needed? On your side to deal with these matters.

If she's a close friend that you would like to keep then this will help explain to her how you are feeling about everything.

Thumbwitch Thu 05-Sep-13 12:37:18

I think, rather than make waves, I would still meet this friend but keep it very superficial. Tell her nothing that you would prefer the queenbee not to hear about, just in case your mistrust of her is founded.
If you are moving soon, use that as an "excuse" to let the friendship drift - if she really wants to stay friends with you, she'll make the effort, and if she doesn't then you're best off without her anyway.

The queenbee on the other hand - she sounds as though she needs a visit from the police!!

laeiou Thu 05-Sep-13 13:53:48

Well from what you've said I think it's understandable that your remaining friend doesn't want to make an enemy of queen b. Especially if you'll be leaving soon - your friend may be concerned about who's next in the firing line.

hoppingmad Thu 05-Sep-13 14:51:52

You all have very good points, I do know she is wary of being next in line.
Queen b is like no one I've met before, she's you're best friend one minute and would literally do anything for you but that's only when your life is crap, the minute you start to seem happy she turns. It's like she only wants to be around people who are needy in some way.

I have now arranged to see my friend and will probably use the advice of notes tbh as I do get a bit anxious at stuff like this.

Thank you all for your advice, it has been greatly appreciated.

Toizzy Thu 05-Sep-13 19:41:00

I hope it all goes well for youwink

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