Snide jokes - sorry for the long post

(18 Posts)
Quincejelly Sat 24-Aug-13 13:03:23

I have a friend who is also a neighbour. She works in a paid job and I am at present a sahm. She never stops making snide jokes about this. She goes on the whole time about how my husband (who works full-time) does all the house work and all the childcare. The reason for this is that at weekends he enjoys gardening and he sometimes does some shopping with the car at the weekend (although usually I shop at the weekend too and carry everything home in my rucksack and a large carrier in each hand because I can´t drive). She also goes on and on about me not wanting to work and not trying hard enough to get jobs.
I am doing quite a lot of volunteer work to try to get back into the job market and she says this is my "charity work" and talks about how I must go there in my lilac hat with a veil and matching high heels. This is more evidence that I do nothing in the home.
These jokes just go on and on and on. I know I should just laugh them off and ignore her but it really hurts me. I am struggling to get back into work and get quite down about it and these jokes really get to me. I know I am not the world house-work whizz but in my view our house is usually clean and tidy and we have nourishing, freshly-cooked food every evening. My children take packed lunches to school and I give them freshly cooked food most days (I have a "warm bag" so that they can take shepherd´s pie, rice and veg bake, pancakes etc.). I am bad as an sahm but I feel I work as hard as I can.
To be honest, I feel that if this was at my dcs´school, it would be classed as bullying. It is just incessant. And because we live so close to each other I can´t avoid it. She rings our doorbell for a "chat" and the chat is all about how hilarious it is that I am so lazy.
She also enjoys the joke that she says my dh goes to work at 10 am and comes back at 3pm. This is simply not true. He goes to work at 8 and comes home at 18.30. But her husband works late every night and works at weekends and so she feels my husband "doesn´t know what work is".
She is cross that we don´t invite them over more often but I just can´t face it. Her husband doesn´t come and we think the reason is that when he´s there she attacks him verbally and tries to humiliate him in front of us.
I feel she gets kicks out of bullying all the adults around her.
How can I deal with this so that I don´t feel awful all the time?

sapfu Sat 24-Aug-13 13:15:03

Firstly this person is not a friend. At all. She is a bully though.

Have you said to her you don't like her jokes?

My initial thought is 'don't answer the door' but of course that's not always possible. So I would work on a series of reasons that it's not a good time/maybe you'll knock on her door later/oops you were just about to go out/you're in the middle of a phone call etc. So a quick 'oh hi, sorry it's a crap time, maybe tomorrow?' then close the door.

I also think she sound massively jealous.

And what would be the worst consequence if you straight out said to her 'please stop knocking on my door for a chat?'

You have nothing to feel awful about, you're not the one doing anything wrong, in fact you are doing many things right imo, and my opinion is meaningless because what matters is that you do the right thing for YOU.

Does she have children?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 24-Aug-13 13:15:48

I think you need to be blunt because she's obviously too thick skinned and oblivious to take a hint. You need to say look I actually find you really hurtful and offensive and I'd really prefer it if you didn't come round anymore. Then just ignore her. She'll get the message eventually and leave you alone.

You really don't need that in your life so why should you accommodate her when she can't even be nice to you?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 24-Aug-13 13:16:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 24-Aug-13 13:31:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WafflyVersatile Sat 24-Aug-13 13:38:22

she's not a friend.

gaggiagirl Sat 24-Aug-13 13:44:12

She sounds jealous to me.

Feel sorry for her that she has to be a total cow to make herself feel better.

SirRaymondClench Sat 24-Aug-13 16:41:01

Stop answering the door to this bitch. She is not your friend.

I am with the others on this, she sounds massively jealous.
You don't sound like a bad SAHM you sound like a very good one.
It's bloody hard work!
As you are not asking her advice on any of the things she feels so qualified to comment on, she has no right to say them.

I like Schmaltzing's suggestions if you do accidentally answer the door.

Email her the link to this thread?

Bluemonkeyspots Sat 24-Aug-13 17:04:47

Pity her!

There must be something lacking in her life that she has to try and bring you down, you have said yourself about how she attacks her own dh so obviously her life is not the bed of roses she makes out.

It's blatantly because she's jealous of your life and your marriage - so the answer is to go in the opposite direction from where you've been going.

On being a SAHM "yes, I really enjoy it. I'm very lucky".

On your DH's hours "yes, he's always home for dinner. We're really lucky - he gets to do bedtime with the DCs and really values that@

On volunteering "You should try it". No time? "Oh, what a shame."

Big smile, general air of being fortunate. It will puss her right off...

Tortington Sat 24-Aug-13 17:20:58

id have to tell her to pack it in - explain it hurts - then if shes embarrassed and laughs it of - as she will - becuase she won't apologise, she wont come round anyway - win win

ivykaty44 Sat 24-Aug-13 17:27:49

ask her out right

do you want to make an enemy of me by your constant stupid jokes that no one laughs at?

Or just resort to every joke that she makes

say

haha haha your stupid jokes are so not funny

and repeat at least 30 times whilst she is in your company perhaps that will put her off coming to your home, make sure you have a bored look on your face.

Trying to ay sensible things to a person like this will not work - so resort to a one liner may be easier in the long run as it will be hard to return anything when she herself as said it is a joke.

Quincejelly Sun 25-Aug-13 18:51:54

Thank you so much everyone. It is good to get it in perspective. I think that if I just bear in mind that she is jealous - as you all said - it would already help me to stay calm and not feel hurt.
But, all the other suggestions are great. I need to get going - not opening the door (the "being on the telephone" excuse is great) or usuing some of Schmaltz´s retorts.

Thanks so much everyone. I was really letting it get to me. Now I feel much more positive and in control.

Mummyoftheyear Sun 25-Aug-13 20:29:37

She's awful. Cut her out. Never had to do thus myself and would feel Uncomfy to but she's toxic. Adds nothing. If knocks on door just say you haven't time for her. No explanation. She can read into it what she will. Let her find another easy victim for her inadequacy and ego.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 25-Aug-13 23:05:24

Hmmm - I wonder why her husband works late?? You'd think he'd be desperate to get home to her and her lovely personality! And then he sends her round to yours. (Mumoftwoyoungkids sniggering here at her husband making endless evil plans so he never has to see his wife!)

Right - you need to have some fun here. Shagging jokes never fail to entertain me! Your husband only works 10am - 3pm - it's wonderful - once you've done the school run you still have time for a quickie. In fact you are thinking about putting your kids in after school club so that there is more time for shagging. You never get the housework done - knackered after 3 times last night. Your dh does all the gardening - he prefers you to rest for more "fun" activities.

All said with a big grin.

She wants to make you feel bad about yourself. Make it clear that you feel wonderful!

Quincejelly Tue 27-Aug-13 08:54:10

grin

That gave me a good laugh!

FondantNancy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:58:00

I don't think you should make excuses - eg, not answering the door or being busy. I think you need to take some control. Use some of the retorts upthread and make it clear you're not going to take any more shit.

If you don't want to be confrontational you could pretend that you think she is having problems. Do a headtilt and look really concerned and say "Look X, is there a problem? You seem really preoccupied with how we live our lives. Is there something bothering you in your own life? Would you like to talk about it?"

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