Stuck in a rut -depressed(5 Posts)
Sorry this might ramble. I've woken up feeling like hell today and just need to vent (and possibly get advice if I can).
I'm a young mum with a toddler and a partner of 7 years. I suffer badly from stress, depression and anxiety. Some days manageable, some days completely debilitating. I've tried many antidepressants over the years, aswell as receiving treatment in hospital as a teenager (before dd). I've had hypnotherapy, counselling and currently cbt. Little things make a difference but on the whole life is a major struggle (sometimes if not for dd I don't know if it would be worth it).
At the moment it's my relationship I feel that is causing extra stress in my life. My oh has struggled to find work since graduating and has been unemployed for 7 months. I'm a student so have income (but not over summer). Have used all but £30 of my savings from when I worked full time and only have £60 left on my overdraft limit. I don't feel oh is trying very hard and I'm shouldering all the worry of the situation (he might be keeping it in though).
We get on ok in a friendship capacity (always have), as we have similar views sense of humour, interests etc. But at the moment there is no love or romance in our relationship (this has been going on about a year). We are constantly griping, I'm always gritting my teeth and trying not to lash out or cry. I'm completely off sex with him, and whevever he tries to initiate I feel anger rise up inside me- so much sometimes I'm worried I will actually be violent so I have to walk away. Sometimes if we do have sex I feel the same - just really fcking angry about it.
I know this is not normal feelings but it's not enough to tear up a seven year relationship and dd's family for. (or is it?). Im always dreaming of romance and affection and don't really want to get out of bed to reality most days. I can't for see anything about this situation ever changing unless I instigate something drastic (which in extremely reluctant to do). I just want to be happy and have some drive and passion going to push through life. Wwyd?
read a good romance novel ! or watch a chick flick on TV ? you need a man on a white horse to sweep you off your feet - but sadly that doesn't happen in real life !
start using your imagination a bit more - next time you do the business - imagine it's your dream man - ( keep this to yourself obviously - dont call out the wrong name !)
start smiling as much as you can - people will wonder what you are up to ? try and get the happy endorphins going by exercising - waking - skipping - anything that gets your heart rate up !
start thinking 'I'm happy ' a lot more - as how you are affects others around you ! if you try hard enough you can turn yourself around !
good luck ! :-)
Oh you poor thing.
I was in a similar situation last year, major anxiety and depressive spell and I hated DH, really hated him for a time. Almost all of this was due to the depression, I would make an effort, huge to me due to my problems, tiny to him and then get so cross that he hadn't noticed. Things like just resting my hand on his chest was such an effort and then he rolled over or something and I would feel totally rejected. I'd then start fantasising about running away, divorce or suicide.
My advice would be:
Talk. Talk talk talk to him, but try to think about what you want to say carefully. Invite him to offer suggestions e.g 'love, we only have x in the bank account, where should we go from here etc' was much more productive than the bile I spewed at him when I was at my worst, with loads of snotty tears. Perhaps together you can come up with a plan.
Touch him. Not sexually unless you want to but just kiss him on the cheek or brush your hand against his once a day, increasing over time. I realised that I was expecting him to behave a certain way but not encouraging or doing my bit, just freezing up or mentally assessing him against my 'ideal'. I read a lot of erotica to get me in the mood and to try and restart my sex drive a bit.
Try to get away somewhere that makes you happy and (woo alert) lifts your soul a bit. The beach is what works for me, or woods. Quite often DH and I go with the DC who charge ahead so we can hang behind and hold hands, chat or just be quiet together. Cheap too, usually costs us nothing. Perhaps you could go by yourself and have some peace to think.
Try and eat and sleep. I remember what it's like, I really struggled with this one, but when I finally had a full nights proper sleep it improved my mental health and perspective enormously. Eating proper meals at the proper time helped me sleep too. Lots of water too, dehydration really affects my concentration and anger levels, as does too much sugar.
It took a long time, eight months, but we're back on track now, but I had to put a lot if effort in to address my thinking. We did a lot of talking and he had ideas and plans I had never even considered. Also I didn't realise how much my unhappiness was making him unhappy too, he had noticed but had no idea how to help. Talking allowed him to see how I was thinking and he made the effort to help me too.
I really hope things improve for you soon, someone wise once said its always darkest before the dawn.
Thanks zombie & wookie. The advice really does help and to know other people have been there puts it in perspective - it's a phase- not a life sentence. I think your right wookie about using the imagination, as a kid I'm sure 50% of my life was in my head and that was the best part. Just got to learn to do it again.
Glad your back on track zombie. Must've been hard. It's that motivation I lack. I know eating showering getting out the house will make it better but can't be arsed half the time. But to know there is a light at the end eventually can sometimes be enough. I'll try getting out to nature a bit more (we live in the city and I think it's something I miss). Thanks for the replies. Will try and take it on board.
It's just little tiny steps, one at a time.
And not beating yourself up if you don't always manage it.
At the beginning I thought it was a good day if I had managed to eat one meal at the 'right' time. Or brushed my hand against DH's once.
After a while it became habit and much much easier. The first couple of months were really hard, but I was just so sick of being miserable and not enjoying life. I'm an atheist and the thought that I was wasting my one life spurred me on a little.
I'd been depressed since I was a teen and was thirty when I started to feel better. I still have bad days, but my coping mechanisms are much better.
One other thing that might help is to make a list of small things that make you happy/content and trying to get one of those things a day. I only had two things on there at first- a long hot bath and blue cheese I think!
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