My mum is unhappy about me marrying abroad...

(23 Posts)
Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 13:00:49

Hi, I'm new (just now) to all this! But I need a bit of advice and slight cheering up.

I'll try cut it short. Me and J, (my partner) met in Greece in 2009 whilst working there for a season. I instantly fell in love with him, we've since had 2 boys, and are still strong! Whilst in Greece we spent quite a lot of time in a chapel on the harbour. And said if we are together n 5 years time, we'll come back and marry! 5 years later.. (July 2014) were living up to our promises. Now then... Money always has been so tight. And we decided to just go alone there. And have a very private ceremony in the chapel. My mum and dad are divorced. But it was extremely bitter. So they can't be in the same room as each other. My mum has been with her husband for over 10 years. And has been really good to me. I have a fantastic relationship with my dad and if I could if have him walk me down the Isle. BUT this is why we can't marry here... My step dad will be gutted if he watches my dad hand j over, and my dad would be more devastated if he saw my step dad do it. So this is why we've chosen to go alone. Can I just state that (and i know your all going to think I'm a disgusting mother) my 2 boys aged 1 and 3 will be going on their own holidays for that 1 week whilst we're away in Greece with their nana (partners mum) so they won't be there with us.
Anyway, the problem I have is my mother. She is making me feel terribly guilty for not letting her go. But how can I? M partners mum is absolutely fine with it all and is very happy and understanding about our situation, and is there for us! My mum is saying that "how would you feel if it was the kids doing this to you?" but in all honestly I'm the kind of person that would say "go and do whatever makes you happy!" no matter how much it would hurt. I would be happy for them. I just don't know what to do. I've invited her to come and look at dresses with me. So I'm trying to involve her! But she's just spoiling my excitement. Any advice would be great. Ps. Please don't judge me on not taking the kids. We're all different, and it does not mean I'm a bad mother. Thanks girls x

Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 13:02:22

Hand me over* (not j)

motherinferior Mon 29-Jul-13 13:02:31

It's not really any of your mother's business, is it. In the remote event that I get married, I'm definitely not planning on having my parents there!

Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 13:06:20

It's not that I wouldn't like her to be there, I would! It's just I can't! It's unfair all round on everyone really. Especially my dad. X

I think that you are absolutely making the right choice for you. Your mum is probably feeling put out as she has been imagining this since you were born, but the animosity between the two halves of your family would destroy the lovely day.

Have you tried explaining it to your DM in just the same terms that you have here? Explaining that you want to protect your stepdad from being hurt might soften the blow.

UC Mon 29-Jul-13 13:14:09

Do it how you want to do it. It might be worth explaining to your mum. Could you have some sort of celebration once you're back at home for her to be involved in?

Forester Mon 29-Jul-13 13:14:47

If your parents were still together would you still prefer to have nobody there? If in an ideal world you would prefer to have immediate family there then I don't think you need to worry about how your step-dad would feel if your dad gave you away as he will be perfectly aware that he's your step dad. However if you haven't been that close to your dad while you've been growing up then it is very common for the mum to give the daughter away.

I think what's more of an issue is your mum and dad not being able to be in the same room. If the wedding's still a while away then you could say to your mum that this is the issue and that if they can demonstrate that they can spend some limited time together then they would all be invited (but making sure that they are only in the same location for the day - not a week).

But if you just want it to be the two of you then just go for it.

Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 15:06:18

So happy to see others saying I'm not horrible! My step dad fave my sister away at her wedding. She is closer than what I am to him. Although I think he is an amazing man. I haven't been that close to my dad growing up, but since I had my 1st son, we are the closest we've ever been. My sister doesn't talk to him. And that's mainly only because it's keeping my mum happy. It's always been a fight to see him as a child after the awful divorce. My mum left him for my step dad, but at the time my step dad was my dad's friend. Such a horrible story hey? :-(

So, definitely not having it here. Too much past between all of them. And it'll just spoil it. My dad gave me a cheque on Saturday to put towards everything, told my mum, (I was crying with happiness and she just said "it could of been a grand couldn't it?" which just really rained on my parade...
I'm so excited, we've booked it for 22/07/14 at a little chapel in Faliraki. I just hope nearer the time she gets used to the idea. And comes round. I understand why she's mad/angry/upset but it's really none of my fault!

Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 15:07:27

Thank you SconeInSixtySeconds. I have mentioned it yes. But it didn't help at all. :-\

Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 15:21:38

Oh, and we are planning a party for when we're back 2 days after we wed. So it's not like were buggering off and that's it. We want to celebrate with family somehow. Whether my dad will come is another thread next year I suppose! :-\

laeiou Mon 29-Jul-13 15:35:52

Why does anyone have to give you away? You're no-ones property.

Why not invite them all and say they're all welcome but must be civil or not attend. As your dc get older is more important that you give a clear message about the situation rather than messing around at birthdays and Christmas etc having secret celebrations so the other parent isn't upset.

SirChenjin Mon 29-Jul-13 15:39:42

I do get where she's coming from tbh - I think I would be quite upset if I didn't get to see my children being married. On the flip side of that, I can also see why you wouldn't want the whole 'giving away' thing, but as Laeiou says, you aren't property and don't need to be given away - it's just a tradition. Could you not invite them all for a small informal wedding followed by a meal somewhere and insist that they be civil or stay away?

That must be really hard denby. I am so sorry that your mum can't put her feelings to one side for you.

Moving forward your day is for you and your soon to be dh. If they can't be adult then stuff them - plus they've already had your sister's wedding to play with.

Enjoy your wedding but enjoy the marriage more. smile

Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 15:50:23

Thank you. So much. I'll just get on with it now. Thank you all for the advice. I feel lots better!

As for inviting everyone, the situations everyone Is in, it still makes no difference. We either go alone. Or don't wed.
So... We're doing it. Whether anyone likes it or not.

If your parents can't be in the same room as each other a decade on, then they can't come to your wedding. That would be the case regardless of venue, so the fact that it is abroad is a red herring.

Good luck!

WafflyVersatile Mon 29-Jul-13 16:45:24

your arrangement sounds absolutely sensible and right and for your situation, and very romantic!

I'm assuming you've assured her that ideally you would have had her there and your dad and your step parents, but it's her and your dad's relationship which stops this being viable. For either of them to ask you to favour them at the expense of the other is unfair.

If you have done this it is up to her to work through her feelings and accept that although it is sad for her and you, she can't be there, that's just how it is.

Denbytobe Mon 29-Jul-13 22:19:48

You are all fantastic. Thanks girls. Excellent advice and honesty. Very appreciative of your comments :-)

countrymummy13 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:59:04

I think your Mum needs to get a grip tbh.

I think it sounds like it will be a beautiful and MEANINGFUL wedding without all the crap that c

JohFlow Wed 07-Aug-13 17:12:56

Its you and your DP's day so it is your judgement call. It would be preferable if family members could be involved and together. But in reality; sometimes this is just not possible without ruining things for yourselves. If you put all your energies into keeping the peace; you take that energy out of finishing preparations and enjoying your day. I would hate to celebrate my love for my partner/children's father with viping relatives in the background.

If there needs to be family time together. This can happen at a separate stage back in the UK. Videos and photos of the event can be circulated to Mum/others so that they get a flavour. Is good that you are trying to get your mum involved. There are ways to get people involved who for whatever reason can't be there on the day. But if there are some negative comments about the wedding, just say 'I am enjoying my wedding planning and would prefer positive comments'.

Branleuse Wed 07-Aug-13 17:17:58

your wedding will be fantastic. your mum sounds very dramatic. ignore it. sounds fabulous

mrspaddy Wed 07-Aug-13 17:24:59

Hi OP, I think you are actually being very fair. You would love your dad and your mother to be there if they were amicable..because they are not.. you are not choosing one over the other.

Be happy in your choice.. I think the fact you are having a party when you come home (certainly bring your dad!!!!!) should help things. It sounds very romantic.

Best of luck.. congrats!!!

countrymummy13 Wed 07-Aug-13 17:59:27

I think your Mum needs to get a grip tbh.

I think it sounds like it will be a beautiful and MEANINGFUL wedding without all the crap that comes with inviting people!

Mother or no mother, your wedding should be about you. And besides which, it's her dysfunctional relationship with your DF that's making this so difficult for you.

I'd ignore her emotional blackmail and enjoy your v special wedding.

AgathaF Wed 07-Aug-13 18:23:26

It's your day to share with your DP. Do it your way and enjoy it. The party afterwards sounds great, and if they can't sort themselves out to be in the same room for that, that's their loss really.

I don't see that they have left you with any real choice, to be honest, but even so, it sounds like a lovely way to wed.

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