DD in new relationship with 69 year old

(142 Posts)
lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 13:19:26

Devastated....lovely 23yr old daughter just announced that she is in a relationship with her 69 year old boss, sole owner, proprietor of the business. She's had the job for 5 weeks. Before this, he's promised to make her a partner in the firm, bought her an iPad (for work!?), given her a dress allowance for work, teaching her to dance tango, bought a 'shop puppy' and registered it in her name, now says he wants to marry her and have children. OMG want to cry, absolutely furious with him for manipulating her, and her for being so gullible. How do I manage this, maintain my relationship with her and give her a safe haven when it ends (of course, if!)

exoticfruits Wed 04-Sep-13 21:42:21

Gosh! I was going to reply and then saw it was old and my advice wouldn't have worked-then saw your devastating update.

It is a nightmare, but as FondantNancy says :

I think all you can do is just continue to make her understand that you love her and are there for her, and keep the lines of communication open.

She will need you later on-it is only a matter of time. Keep strong-some people just have to go through it and learn by their own mistakes-even though it is clear to almost everyone that it is a mistake.

EldritchCleavage Wed 04-Sep-13 21:09:59

Oh dear. He's so awful, I think you are doing the right thing not to have him over. Some things are too dreadful to be condoned, and his convictions are grim.

Just keep talking to her (not necessarily about him) and wait it out. I am so very sorry though.

FondantNancy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:15:54

Oh my God, this is terrible. sad Sounds like he is completely controlling her and has probably come up with explanations for his previous offences.

I think all you can do is just continue to make her understand that you love her and are there for her, and keep the lines of communication open. I feel so bad for you, OP.

Good luck.

Hookedonclassics Mon 02-Sep-13 04:36:45

I'm very sorry to hear about the developments sad, your poor DD, she is throwing her life away on a dirty old man.

Sex offender, liar and fantasist. I really hope she does not get married to him or have a baby with him.

Would he old school friends be able to get her to see sense, most 23 year olds would be horrified if one of their peers hooked up with such a creep.

tribpot Thu 29-Aug-13 19:16:22

God that is so dreadful. However, she is an adult and has to make her own (appalling) mistakes. She can survive this, but what a thing to put herself (and you all) through.

lavenderblue1 Thu 29-Aug-13 19:12:19

Oh, and locally, known as 'the pervert or W* Street'

lavenderblue1 Thu 29-Aug-13 19:11:24

OK, lovely mumsnet friends; how life has developed. We met him, welcomed him to our family before we knew they were in a relationship. Then we found out he has previous sex offences - installed cameras in the loo in his upholstery business, was charged and convicted, and 2 other rumours involving school age girls. So to protect my family and visiting friends I banned him from my house and seeing my mum who is in a nursing home. Clearly DD not happy, but she is following a path I can't condone. She hardly ever answers the phone or replies to texts, rarely agrees to see me, despite me repeatedly telling her that we still love her, it's not about her, etc. Didn't come to her sisters 18th birthday party with the family and friends, not going to another family party - all very very unlike her. Believes that he is the best thing that has ever happened to her, 'treats her like a princess' etc etc. Oh and he lies -£ 8.4m in a bank account, (clearly not true) sony recording contract, plays guitar with the Berlin Philharmonic, was an airline pilot (but as he didn't like the food on long haul he took his own BBQ and BBQed steaks!!!!) going ti but her a fantastic house with paddocks, yet they live in the shop...and to cap it all she told me they're getting married on 7th Dec. WTF Have pretty much decided that we're not going to the wedding, will try and keep contact, love her to bits, and trying to deal with all the grief and those lost dreams.
what do you all think? confused

MusicalEndorphins Mon 15-Jul-13 03:15:55

If she wants to marry him, insist on a pre-nup in her favour. Have it draw up by a lawyer, (not his).
Does he have children already?

neontetra Fri 21-Jun-13 18:20:28

Just re-read your last post more carefully - you mention abuse, and possible support for you regarding this. I've not worked in this area for a while, so others will have better suggestions, but I do know that Rape Crisis support those supporting abuse survivors (families, etc), as well as survivors themselves. The abuse can be current, not in the past, and does not have to be sexual. At the very least, your local Rape Crisis line should be able to point you towards appropriate support in your area. So sorry it has got to this point!

neontetra Fri 21-Jun-13 18:11:25

That is a helpful link, horsetowater.
OP, so.sorry to hear of the engagement; even age differences etc aside it seems so rushed. Remember tho that many engagements mercifully do not lead to marriages, and also that many marriages, mercifully, end.
All you can do now is support dd, and, above all, stay involved. Tell her you would love to meet her intended. Even throw them a little dinner party, if that helps. Thus, she stays on good terms with you, and if he does have plans to distance her from you, it is made harder. Also you get to see him in operation. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer...

horsetowater Fri 21-Jun-13 13:39:26
horsetowater Fri 21-Jun-13 13:39:11

This might be helpful

http://hr.umich.edu/mhealthy/programs/mental_emotional/understandingu/tools/healthy_signs.html

Michigan University

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Fri 21-Jun-13 13:30:00

Rubbish news Lavender. Keep making sure your DD knows you are there for her no matter what. Arm yourself with all of this good advice. Unmumnsnetty hugs for you.

AdiosMuffinTop Fri 21-Jun-13 13:17:47

yes, I know at that age I didn't really GET how somebody else's selfishness could make your life hell. I just didn't really feel that anybody else had that much impact on me or my strength or my power or my happiness confused The naivety of youth.

There are lists online, the signs of a healthy balanced relationship and the signs of a dysfunctional relationship

horsetowater Fri 21-Jun-13 12:11:43

Perhaps talking to her friends would be a good idea, but you may have to teach them the signs of abusive relationships - most girls don't know what they are until it's too late and her friends may just be wowed by the engagement in the same way that she is.

AdiosMuffinTop Fri 21-Jun-13 11:57:51

oh dear., lavender. I hope her friends can make her see sense.

:-(

EldritchCleavage Fri 21-Jun-13 11:21:46

Oh hell, lavender, that is bad news. It's hard to know what to suggest except that the key message to your daughter is that you are always, unequivocally and forever on her side.

horsetowater Fri 21-Jun-13 11:13:03

You could buy her a book - "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverley Engel.

or print out this and give it to her

http://ebookbrowse.com/emotionally-abusive-relationships-pdf-d202955283

You could tell her that someone else suggested that you give it to her, keep it neutral.

I agree that disapproving of him is not going to help, but you should insist on meeting him - both with her and alone. I think if he sees you and your family as a tower of strength he will know what he's messing with. Ask him lots of nosy but innocent questions to find out who he really is - remember there is a slim chance that is a good relationship - go into it assuming that he is normal.

If he is abusive you have to understand now that these people are hugely intelligent and extremely manipulative. They have lied all their lives just to get what they want - and what they want is to be the controller, the master. I think if it were me I would be prepared to risk a bustup with my daugher order to get her to understand what she is involved with. If he is abusive he will already know that you will want to disapprove, he will already know that he needs to move quickly before you get involved. If he is abusive he is stringing you along right now and that's part of the plan. To him, you are an obstacle to his dominance, he knows this exactly and it is the reason he is acting so quickly. He is manipulating everything around her in order to achieve control. sad

You have to get your daughter to see this without driving her away - somehow.

lavenderblue1 Fri 21-Jun-13 07:13:53

smeared - that is so gross. I will!

lavenderblue1 Fri 21-Jun-13 07:11:08

thanks will do that both of you flowers

chicaguapa Thu 20-Jun-13 22:14:44

But doesn't the DD need to feel she can confide in OP without feeling like she is going to be told 'I told you so'? I would have thought expressing valid concerns about the pace and lack of independence would be ok. But the DD would need to feel like OP is on the same side and not an enemy, to be able to maintain their close relationship and for the OP to keep a close eye on how things are progressing and be able to offer support when required. But agree it needs to be clear that the OP is specifically on the DD's side, not the man's.

paperlantern Thu 20-Jun-13 21:31:16

Incidentally not all abusers separate you from your family. My EA ex recruited my mum to his side frequently, when I left there were still telling me perhaps I could work it out. Eventually they figured it out for themselves. I still resent my Mum for some of the things she inadvertently sided with my ex on (e.g. DS' name)

I disagree with not expressing disapproval. I was very dependent on my family for there thoughts, unfortunately no-one spotted my ex. Please do express concerns. it tell her that she will be belived when she gets the courage to leave. Don't let it be the predominate factor in your relationship. hence me saying once and carry on

lavenderblue1 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:27:32

paperlantern and chicaguapa, thanks. It means a lot. It really isn't the age thing anymore - it's all the other red flags just looking for advice on how to handle future situations e.g when she turns up married. OMG. (BF meant to be best friend btw)

chicaguapa Thu 20-Jun-13 21:09:35

If his game plan is to drive a wedge and cut your DD off from her family, make sure that you don't show your disapproval and let that happen. Your poor DD and you too. sad

paperlantern Thu 20-Jun-13 21:08:45

Sorry to hear that. Hold in there express your disapproval once, by all means try and pursue a relationship with her alone, but keep that relationship going. She will need you [hugs]

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