DD in new relationship with 69 year old

(142 Posts)
lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 13:19:26

Devastated....lovely 23yr old daughter just announced that she is in a relationship with her 69 year old boss, sole owner, proprietor of the business. She's had the job for 5 weeks. Before this, he's promised to make her a partner in the firm, bought her an iPad (for work!?), given her a dress allowance for work, teaching her to dance tango, bought a 'shop puppy' and registered it in her name, now says he wants to marry her and have children. OMG want to cry, absolutely furious with him for manipulating her, and her for being so gullible. How do I manage this, maintain my relationship with her and give her a safe haven when it ends (of course, if!)

cleoowen Tue 18-Jun-13 15:39:58

Your daughter sounds very superficial if,she's only with him for all material things. I would,have a chat about this and find out if she actually likes him for him or just for the money. I would then try and chat to her about what she is prepared to do for material objects and what kind of person this makes,her, would she truly be happy with that?

Otherwise you might,just have to chat to her as much as you can and tell her your worries but at 23 you can't make her stop.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 18-Jun-13 15:52:17

Cleo what a vile post

MarianForrester Tue 18-Jun-13 16:00:35

I totally understand your worries. But my advice is just to treat him as any other boyfriend, be pleasant and invite him to things. If she gets in her head theirs is a doomed love a no-one understands! then it will just drive her away from you and make the relationship more intense and her depend upon him more.

Hopefully, if you just seem lovely and supportive it will run its course without driving a wedge between you.

When I was a teenager I went out with a man for probably about two years longer than I would have done because of my parents' horrendous opposition to it and things were never the same between me and them.

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 17:34:07

Once gain thank you. Listening to all your comments has helped me get perspective, and hopefully will help anyone else who stumbles on this thread. Cleo, I honestly don't think she's superficial, he's not flash, but really clever the way he kind of involves her in his life. She's just really stupid. Showtunes, thanks, and Marian, you are right, I know - it's just difficult, but as mothers we are the bigger people, right?

hesterton Tue 18-Jun-13 17:41:19

You shouldn't say she's stupid before you've even met him. See how he is with her, invite him to the party and if he's making her happy and is a good bloke, let them get on with it. It'll either work or not, but you'll still have her.

Of course your worried and concerned, I would be with my dd (Id actually be quite devestated) but the others are right, you must stand back, keeping the communication open.

On the other side, a very good friend of mines mother met her DH when she was 24 and he was 62, (she was the secretary, he was the boss) they were married for over 30 years and he was the love of her life. Shes been widowed for many years at a fairly young age and never met any one else, no one has ever been good enough after him. So it can work.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 18-Jun-13 18:00:26

Let her think you are giving him a chance.

That way, when it falls apart, she'll feel she can talk to you and ask you for yelp. If she thinks you disapprove, she won't be able too. Us 23 year olds are stubborn like that!

MarianForrester Tue 18-Jun-13 18:04:40

I think it's really difficult- and much easier to advise someone else.smile Good luck

iwantavuvezela Tue 18-Jun-13 18:07:19

My advice is what alibaba said earlier ...... I think that could take shine off things for your daughter, and he might also see the generational difference .

RustyBear Tue 18-Jun-13 18:08:42

Sugarplumfairy - you may be in for a long wait for your DD's relationship to 'run its course' - my mum was 20 when she met my Dad, 22 when she married him - he was 16 years older. Their marriage only ended after 51 amazingly happy years when my mum died. You just can't make assumptions about other people's relationships...

DontmindifIdo Tue 18-Jun-13 18:09:40

I think you should invite him along to the 18th, will it be full of extended family? Aunts and Uncles the same age or younger than him? Then lots of her and her brothers friends, all young and dating young people? It might help her see he's got nothing in common with them, but lots in common with the parents' generation, and him to see she's actually very young when seen with her contempories.

neontetra Tue 18-Jun-13 18:18:50

I have often wondered what I would do in this situation - I really feel for you, you will inevitably be concerned. I have nothing against age gaps in relationships per se, even large ones, but this is something else. Plus the power imbalance (work and financial) could be worrying. Is she just having a bit of fun, or does she see this as a long term commitment? If the former I'd be much less worried.
Certainly I would invite him over - he will be more embarassed than you, I assume, and you may feel better once you meet him, if he seems nice. If not, well, better to know what you are dealing with! Also out of respect for your dd I think you need to afford him the same courtesy that you would any other bf, whatever you privately feel! Good luck - I do feel for you!

msrisotto Tue 18-Jun-13 18:21:39

I don't have kids just to get that out there but....jesus, this is beyond the pale really! I can 100% understand why you are concerned to say the least. But yeah, she is 23 and will see sense sooner or later, you just have to hang on for the ride...Hopefully it won't last long enough for you to worry about him showing his face in your vicinity! If it does come up, I would avoid and put it off....

DoctorAnge Tue 18-Jun-13 18:23:03

Fucking hell.

She will soon get bored of that believe me!

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 18:23:54

What a supportive group. Onestep, that's so reassuring. Hesterton, we have met him, had him here to supper - coffee, etc welcomed him - he is charming, but I did think it odd that her new boss was so keen to meet the family - I just wonder whether it's part of the gaining her confidence and acceptability, thing.
Don'tmind - that's a good point. I need to feel a bit stronger and resilient to what everyone will be thinking. I'm really not a prude, not a snob, not a pushy mother, but I celebrate all the 'positives' and support all the 'negatives' of my children, and this has really gutted me - I guess I just wanted her to share her life with a contemporary, learn about the ups and downs of life together, empathise with their aging bodies together (as DH and I do) and if they have children, for their children not to feel conscious of their very old father. Oh well. It's not my life.

pooka Tue 18-Jun-13 18:24:53

My great aunt was about 18 when she met my great uncle.

They were together for about 42 years until he died, aged in his nineties.

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 18:25:44

DoctorAnge - that was my first reaction!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 18:34:11

No - rumours abound in the town, though, and a friend in the village warned me. I told DD in no uncertain terms, but you really can't tell a 23 year old not to take the job she's always wanted......Hey ho.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 18-Jun-13 18:34:41

As the mum to a 23yr old DD myself I would feel exactly as you do but I would do my very best to welcome him into the family. They are going to meet enough opposition to their relationship so I would want to be a person they felt safe and happy around.

Mama1980 Tue 18-Jun-13 18:40:21

I can totally empathise, but I think all you can do is be supportive, which I'm sure you are. Welcome him, and yes I would invite him, let her see him as a near 'contemporary' of you, other relatives. Plus if you don't she could develop the star crossed lovers thing and cling more tightly to him.
And if he makes her happy.....I think you will tell a lot by seeing them together.

JRY44 Tue 18-Jun-13 18:43:20

Of course you don't like it, I know I wouldn't. But all you can do is smile, be there for her and be civil to him. Treat him as you would any boyfriend, invites to parties etc. she may soon get bored

kitbit Tue 18-Jun-13 18:45:22

Oh yes, friends close, enemies closer! Invite him and welcome him with open arms. Keep your feelings to yourself. Watch and wait. There may be fallout but equally there may be happiness in which case you have been 'supportive' all along.
You may, though, find yourself in a conversation on the topic of finding another job, since a clear conflict of interest on both sides makes working together difficult obviously...

Good luck op, hope your DD is ok

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugarplumfairy Tue 18-Jun-13 19:41:02

I know RustyBear, my FIL is 18 years older than my MIL, and my BIL is 23 years older than his wife, so know it happens.

It's the fact she is so young, and should be out with other young people, not having expensive meals out and weekend trips away, which young people can't afford.

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