DD in new relationship with 69 year old

(142 Posts)
lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 13:19:26

Devastated....lovely 23yr old daughter just announced that she is in a relationship with her 69 year old boss, sole owner, proprietor of the business. She's had the job for 5 weeks. Before this, he's promised to make her a partner in the firm, bought her an iPad (for work!?), given her a dress allowance for work, teaching her to dance tango, bought a 'shop puppy' and registered it in her name, now says he wants to marry her and have children. OMG want to cry, absolutely furious with him for manipulating her, and her for being so gullible. How do I manage this, maintain my relationship with her and give her a safe haven when it ends (of course, if!)

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Jun-13 13:22:06

Let her get on with it, she's 23.

Whale2Waif Tue 18-Jun-13 13:25:09

As I 23 year old I say let her get on with it.

Do you know anything else about this man, previous marriages, relationships with staff etc?

Porka Tue 18-Jun-13 13:26:37

I am sorry but she is a grown woman, at 23 she can decide for herself. Just let the relationship run its course. TBH it sounds like she is impressed by all the presents; if the supply dries up, she may lose interest. I would be more alarmed if I was the relative of the boss!

BeckAndCall Tue 18-Jun-13 13:29:00

I'm with you lavender - she's fallen for a line.

Does he have children - because they could stand to lose a lot in this too, so their reactions might be key.

All you can do is point out the maths - when she's 30 he'll be over 75. When he's 80 she'll be 34 etc.
However old you are, point out how old he'll be then......

And if he wants kids, there's. whole different set of maths to do then - if she has a baby at 25, he'll be 88 when the child leaves school

Etc

zippey Tue 18-Jun-13 13:29:16

You've brought her up to have a sensible head on her shoulders presumably, so let her make her own decision, be happy for her, and be there for her if any problems arise.

zippey Tue 18-Jun-13 13:30:29

Im sure she went to school and can do simple arithmatics. Its no ones business but her own.

flipchart Tue 18-Jun-13 13:33:13

As a mother I wouldn't be happy either.
All the responses saying she is an adult aren't helpful.
You still have feelings and worries about your kids.

Just be supportive as others have said. You're probably right it won't end well but she needs to find that out for herself.

defineme Tue 18-Jun-13 13:33:27

I'm sorry-I'd be appalled in this situation too. However, she's a grown women and entitled to make her own mistakes.

Just smile and nod if she talks about him, this is not worth losing your relationship with her over.

Timetoask Tue 18-Jun-13 13:33:28

In your shoes, I would do everything in my power to open her eyes and stop her from making a huge mistake.

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 13:42:35

I don't think you stop worrying about your DCs just because they reach adulthood.

I'd worry that she has had her head turned by material goods. I'd be wondering if there was a real attraction to the person, or if she were becoming a gold-digger.

Thistledew Tue 18-Jun-13 13:57:03

Provided that he is not actually being abusive to her, then I would deal with it by way of quiet amusement. Has she got any siblings who could not be discouraged from subject her to a little ribbing about it?

The only thing I would take seriously with her is to strongly encourage her to save up a couple of months rent, so that she has a bit of a cushion to find a new job after she inevitably has to leave this one.

Other than that, you could just point out how incredibly sweet it will be that one day she is quite likely to have both her children and her husband in nappies at the same time!

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Jun-13 13:57:10

The thing is, she is an adult and there is not a thing a worried mother can do without pushing her away and possibly slamming the door shut behind her.

Leave the lines of communications open and don't try to part them that will only throw them closer together.

There really is nothing to do but let her get on with living her life.

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 13:57:51

Thank you everyone, it's the first time I've ever turned to a discussion board for help, advice and support. I absolutely agree - she's 23, old enough etc, but I'm still upset by it. I suspect it's a serial thing with him - you've all given me a perspective. But should I welcome him into the family/home as I do my 18 year old's BF? I have to say I'll find it hard

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 13:59:33

thistledew, thank you especially, you too fuzzywuzzy

LEMisdisappointed Tue 18-Jun-13 14:02:51

what flipchart said - my DD is the same age and to me she is still very much my baby, im protective but you really really do have to stand back and let her do what she wants, i am very worried about my DD at the moment, she has issues with her DP and they may be splitting up - I can't seem to say right for wrong so have decided to say nothing at all, it hurts but you have to let them do for themselves.

Have you met this man? maybe he just has fallen for your DD and using his charm and buying her affections? no more sinister than that - its unconventional but not unheard of. I would definately go down the road of giving your "blessing" no matter how much it hurts, that way when it does all go to shit, she wont hold back from turning to you for advice and love.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 18-Jun-13 14:05:19

lavender - I would welcome him into the family home, regularly and with open arms.

Be friendly, steer the conversation to things that happened before your daughter was born - show her that he is of your generation, or older!, and maybe some of the gloss will fall off if she sees an old man sharing a bottle of wine with her parents.

With any luck the sleazy fucker will decide it is too much like hard work and dump her.

sugarplumfairy Tue 18-Jun-13 14:09:33

I have the same problem though the age difference isn't as great. My DD1 is 20 and her boyfriend is 35.

She currently is living about 1.5 hours away from home, and has met this man through work, though he is not her boss.

We haven't met him yet, they went on holiday a couple of months ago and they flew from the airport near us, my DD came into the house to say hello before flying, and he stayed in the car! Whenever we go to visit her, he keeps away.

We have said we are not comfortable with it, and we don't talk about him. She will say stuff about what they have done together, and I just smile and nod.

My DS has been doing what Thistledew has said, he has the nickname of JS in our house, and he posted some photos of this person on her face book page! That's teenage boys for you.

We are waiting for it to run it's course, she gets bought nice things, lots of meals out etc. I think (hope) she will get bored eventually.

I understand what you are going through and yes they are adults, but they are still your babies.

Thistledew Tue 18-Jun-13 14:09:44

I would perhaps have a serious conversation with her regarding the fact that early declarations of love and promises of marriage are a serious red flag in a relationship, and that it is important that she should not feel pressurised into giving up her lifestyle to fit his - for example, they should be able to socialise together as a couple with her friends just as much as his.

But try to make it about relationships in general, rather than his age.

Saying that you won't invite him to family events until they are in a serious relationship could be a way to lead into the red flags of a relationship getting serious quickly conversation.

This must be so upsetting for you OP. I do not understand this attitude of "they are an adult, so nothing to do with you'. So it's normal to have no opinion or input in your kids life once they are an adult? What a sad pov. I will worry about my kids until I take my final breath, and if I think they are making a huge mistake in their life then I'll tell them - that to me is love.

Re your daughter, I would totally spell out the obvious pitfalls here and how creepy this bloke appears to be.

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 15:01:34

you're all so right - DD had to leave uni as she got really ill with ME, and is now so much better, but the whole family has been so close, because of this. It knocked her confidence so much, I guess he's played into this. I don't think she's a gold digger - we're just a normal hardworking family, but she's definitely swayed by the spoilies. He's a real charmer. And I know she's an adult, and we leave her to make her own decisions, but you're so right - we worry about her and love her so much

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 15:03:32

We have a family party soon, my youngest's 18th. Should we ask him?

lavenderblue1 Tue 18-Jun-13 15:11:19

PS I'm new to this - I though OP was Old Parent!!!!

showtunesgirl Tue 18-Jun-13 15:23:18

I don't think there is anything you can do.

I have a friend who met her partner when we were both 21 and her partner was in his 50s. They are still together now and have a 7 year old DS so you just can't tell.

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