slowly going nuts.......long one (sorry!)(1 Post)
Just wondering if I can canvass some opinion on various issues in my life that I am really struggling to cope with at the moment as I am so tired, drained and burnt out. Sorry for the long rant
I have a 3 year old DD. I love her to bits. Shes always been a mummys girl and still doesnt sleep well, often waking at night, wanting me to be with her. Her sleeping at night has got better since she dropped her nap (age 2) but the waking at night (mainly just once) but sometimes 2-3 times is really getting to me. She doesnt want DH at night, only me and really makes a fuss to get this. My DH tries so hard but she completely blanks him and only wants me. Ive tried ignoring her, letting her cry but it makes no difference whatsoever, it just makes it all worse and shes clingier than ever. Ive resorted to getting some sleep by any means necessary so usually co-sleep at times like this as neither DH or I cant function on 3 hours sleep a night and DD goes straight down as soon as shes in bed with me. During the day she goes to nursery and is absolutely fine there and doesnt cry or get clingy when I drop her off she seems to love it there and loves being around other children.
My full time job which Ive had since she was 2 is becoming increasingly difficult. I have a lot of responsibilities & demands placed upon me and lately am finding it really hard to concentrate and focus due to being so tired and washed out. I was working part time before this role but needed to bring in more money due to financial pressures at home. I took on a local role which I really enjoyed at first but now I am finding it grating. My duties were not clearly laid out and my boss doesnt seem to like delegating to anyone or trust anyone apart from me which makes my workload even worse. The people I work with are very ooh thats not my job, thats not my job and so the work bounces up to me to sort out because someone has to. Ive tried to talking to the boss to discuss this but nothing seems to get done .just words to placate me. The boss is under massive pressure too and is also struggling with health issues, which I think, are stress related. If DD happens to be sick, I have no back up support at home apart from DH and hes the main breadwinner so I end up dashing out of the office taking unpaid leave and still end up having to log on from home to work after shes gone to sleep in order to catch up on my work as there is no-one to cover my role if I am out.
Am I wrong to want to leave this job and look for another part time role or shall I hold out for a while longer. Im aware that jobs are hard to come by and this role is paying really well, however, DD is going to school next year and I really want a role that would fit into school hours (doesnt everyone) so that the bulk of my salary isnt going on paying nursery fees but there is nothing suitable around. I could possibly go it alone and start a business from home and have some good ideas for this but I just dont have the time, cash and energy to make it happen. To top it off, me and DH would dearly love another little one and he and I feel I ought to stay in this role so that I can get the maternity benefits as moving jobs now might mean I miss out on this. So far we have been trying but nothing happening yet and time is a-ticking away (age wise).
Is my DD being so clingy because I am working all day or is it just a phase (a bl**dy long one!!) Am I just getting mothers guilt or is my DD just a really anxious child? Why is she blanking my DH her daddy, especially during the night? Would me being home a bit more make a difference to her behaviour. I really think that starting my own home-run business would be the key to getting the flexibility I need going forward in life and it would work well if we did have another little one but I just dont feel (in my run down and knackered state) to be able to get things up and running. What is wrong with me I am usually so upbeat and energetic with my DD and at work but lately I feel really teary (though I dont let DD see this side of me). I love my DD and dont want her to suffer, but am so torn as to how to make things better and I cant see the wood for the trees. I need some time out but any holidays I take I am with DD so dont get much time for me.
I think I just need a big bottle of red wine, a few packs of monster munch and some diazepam and pass out in the back garden for a few days.