Ex-partner at my best friends wedding :-(

(36 Posts)
Doodledumdums Fri 26-Apr-13 00:36:39

Okay, brief history... I was with my ex partner for 3.5 years, and he was a total arse. He was abusive, horrible, and quite frankly a bully. He never exactly cheated on me, but at the end of our relationship when we were on and off, he started seeing his current gf, and I know that he was seeing both of us at the same time.

Anyway, this was five years ago and I am now very happily married to a lovely man, and have a gorgeous baby. I am over the horrible relationship, and was hoping to never see my ex again...until my best friend dropped a bombshell this evening that he will be at her wedding with his girlfriend. (He is good friends with the groom. Not their fault, they have no idea of the extent of how nasty my ex was to me, and I really don't want to start dragging it up now in order to get him uninvited.)

I have basically accepted the fact that he will be there. However, I know that this makes me sound really shallow and awful, but I know that he now has a lot of money, and very nice things, and that his girlfriend is very slim and pretty (which I am not!) and I would just like for one day to not let him think that he has 'won,' if that makes any sense? I know that I am richer than him in so many ways, I have a lovely husband and baby and that is worth more than anything in the world, but he won't care about these things. If I arrive in my clapped out old car with my primark bag, he will get no end of satisfaction. I just want to look and feel amazing and make HIM feel like he got a raw deal. Argh I am making myself sound totally awful, I don't even know how to explain it properly. He made me feel so crap for so long, and I just want to go to the wedding and feel better than him in every way possible. I want a nicer car than him, I want to be slimmer and prettier than his girlfriend, I want a bigger diamond ring than her and I want him to be jealous of the life I have created for myself.

What would you do? I know this sounds shallow and childish and awful, but I just want to feel good about myself for one day and not let him see me as pathetic.

GiraffesAndButterflies Fri 03-May-13 08:46:12

^^ what noblegiraffe said <high five for giraffe solidarity>

You've already won. Fuck your ex, don't waste headspace on what he thinks. Confide in a friend and get her to remind you that on the day whenever it looks like you need it!

AThingInYourLife Fri 03-May-13 08:42:39

Don't make any choices about the day based on impressing this guy.

If you care that much about what he thinks, then he wins.

There is nothing wrong with you/your handbag/your car/your life.

Be proud of yourself and the life you have made for yourself.

Big blingy handbags are just like a sign saying "I'm insecure".

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 03-May-13 08:33:03

What others have said, also, can someone lend you a designer bag, or a good fake? Preferably blingy.Emsy I remember and love the J Judy quote too...have been known to say it in a bad American accent even.

AThingInYourLife Fri 03-May-13 08:29:16

You don't need a bigger diamond, or a smaller arse, or a flasher car.

If you were going to hire anything it should be a sense of genuine appreciation of what you've got.

But you can't hire that, so you're going to have to get it for real.

And you can't fake it.

It doesn't matter what this tosser thinks about your life.

Impressing someone as shallow as him is worthless.

And in trying to you are making yourself as shallow as he is.

You aren't going there to make an impression, you are going to this wedding to have fun with friends and celebrate your best friend's day with her.

Stop giving this guy headspace he doesn't deserve.

He's a footnote to your life.

Concentrate on the main story.

Hang on, you're taking a baby.

You've already 'won' then honey. Dress the baby nice, dress yourself nice (no hiring anything), smile at the baby - everyone will want to coochy-coo the baby.

Baby trumps money.

JamInMyWellies Fri 03-May-13 08:20:45

You poor thing I feel your pain. my exP was invited to my DSIS wedding and walked my DM down the aisle. shock

I just wore an amazing dress got drunk and was life and soul.

PuggyMum Fri 03-May-13 08:17:18

Treat yourself to your hair and make up being done professionally. I have terrible skin at the moment due to pg and a good friend of mine is hair and make up person.

She gave me a lesson in how to cover my blotches up but at the same time showed me the contouring and highlighting make up techniques. Immediately made my face look sooo much slimmer.

I hadn't planned on going out afterwards but it was a nice evening so we sat outside a bar and everyone said I looked fab....

You can look at the tutorials on you tube to see what I mean.

I am sure you'll look fabulous anyway!

coffeewineandchocolate Fri 03-May-13 08:06:18

just be genuinely happy which should be easy to do with your lovely dh and dc. find an outfit you feel comfortable in and every time you feel insecure just look at your lovely family and think of what could have been if you stayed with him.

oh and use the amazing mners too- they are great at finding beautiful bargainous dresses

noblegiraffe Fri 03-May-13 08:00:18

Oh god no don't hire anything to impress him. Imagine he found our, the satisfaction he would get from still having a hold over you.

The best thing to do is act like he is completely incidental to your life now. Be wrapped up in your DH and baby. Don't give him or her a second thought. They are not worth it.

I agree with barnet, if he's still in part of your social circle then he could already be aware of your family circumstances so going and pretending to have what you don't may be very obvious to him, and he'll then know that he still figures majorly in your thoughts. If my DH did the same for an ex ( pretending to be something he's not) then I would start to wonder whether he was ashamed of me. Be proud that you have an amazing DH and happy home life, be polite, have a great time and treat him as any guest that you barely know - that will have the most impact in my view.

YoniOrNotYoni Fri 03-May-13 07:47:16

Don't spend a penny more than you would have spent anyway. He'll soon reslise how happy you are.

barnet Fri 03-May-13 07:33:28

It will be sad for your dh if you make so much effort to impress another guy, whatever your reasons! Your dh sounds lovely, maybe it would be nice if you just had eyes for him? And look fab just for you, and for your dh.
Your ex would get a MASSIVE ego boost if he sees you trying to impress him, looking his way, sizing up his girlfriend, it would be obvious! He would get great satisfaction out of it. Just ignore him and check out how lovely your hubby is.

tiredemma Fri 03-May-13 07:25:33

his girlfriend sorry- not ex.

still tired!

I agree with sacreblue, the best thing you can do is not even give him a second thought.

Stop thinknig about him, and certainly don't spend money on him.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. It really doesn't.

Just go to the wedding and pretend he isn't there. Concentrate on having fun at your friend's wedding. Don't give him a second thought.

tiredemma Fri 03-May-13 07:17:20

His ex-girlfriend might look at you and see that you have a loving husband and beautiful baby. If he was a bully with you then he is bound to be a bully with her.

You have it all. Money and nice clothes are nothing when you are living with an intimidating bastard. He sounds extremely shallow- she probably has a lot of pressure put upon her to 'look nice'.

Go and smile. a lot.

SacreBlue Fri 03-May-13 07:12:54

I agree with ii - was anything you did ever enough for him when you were going out? I bet not. And not because of you, because of his own fuckwittery.

All that effort put into pleasing him then and you want to spend more time and money on him now? Even if it is intended to piss him off I seriously doubt he would give you the satisfaction and you might feel spectacularly worse if he twigs it's to 'impress' him. And wouldn't you rather be impressing your lovely DH?

IIWM I would spend any time or money on what DH & you wanted and not even give your ex one single damn thought!

Inertia Fri 03-May-13 06:59:21

The girlfriend may have looks and money but she also has an abusive bullying partner.

The Ex may have money and a lifestyle but he also has severe character flaws and an awful attitude towards women. Whatever stuff he has, I bet he will never be happy.

You have everything - a happy family. You can pretend / borrow / hire nice stuff.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Wed 01-May-13 00:22:03

Actually, don't do anything that you wouldn't do if he wasn't there. IYSWIM He isn't worth thinking about. Keep giving yourself a good talking too if you ever catch yourself thinking about him.

It's all history now.

Congrats on the lovely DH and baby thanks

Doodledumdums Sat 27-Apr-13 13:30:19

I think we'll be driving home as it's only about an hour away from where we live, and we'll have our baby with us so it's easier to go home rather than stay. Nice idea though!!

Whitewineformeplease Sat 27-Apr-13 11:28:21

Are you staying over for the wedding? Because if you are, I would stay for the dinner, speeches etc., then head off to your room early, get a bottle of champagne to the room and have a night to yourselves!

Doodledumdums Sat 27-Apr-13 01:00:44

Haha, that would wind him up soooo much! I'm not sure it would be believable though as we were together for four years, but it is definitely worth it just to see his face!

HarrietSchulenberg Sat 27-Apr-13 00:54:13

Pretend you don't remember him. If he says hello, smile graciously, introduce yourself as if for the first time then ask him how he knows the happy couple.

Doodledumdums Sat 27-Apr-13 00:25:58

Good idea! Perhaps the car that I know that he has always wanted?! Or maybe that is one step too far?!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Fri 26-Apr-13 23:39:54

Oh and rent yourself a flash car for the day. smile

Doodledumdums Fri 26-Apr-13 23:02:16

Haha, that is a brilliant quote from Judge Judy!

Yes that is true, I have an awful lot more than he does, and my husband has NEVER said to me 'If you really respected me then you'd lose weight' like that bastard did, among many other horrible things. I guess I just have to see that I am the real 'winner' here. He may be rich, but he'll probably end up very lonely.

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