Ex-partner at my best friends wedding :-(

(36 Posts)
Doodledumdums Fri 26-Apr-13 00:36:39

Okay, brief history... I was with my ex partner for 3.5 years, and he was a total arse. He was abusive, horrible, and quite frankly a bully. He never exactly cheated on me, but at the end of our relationship when we were on and off, he started seeing his current gf, and I know that he was seeing both of us at the same time.

Anyway, this was five years ago and I am now very happily married to a lovely man, and have a gorgeous baby. I am over the horrible relationship, and was hoping to never see my ex again...until my best friend dropped a bombshell this evening that he will be at her wedding with his girlfriend. (He is good friends with the groom. Not their fault, they have no idea of the extent of how nasty my ex was to me, and I really don't want to start dragging it up now in order to get him uninvited.)

I have basically accepted the fact that he will be there. However, I know that this makes me sound really shallow and awful, but I know that he now has a lot of money, and very nice things, and that his girlfriend is very slim and pretty (which I am not!) and I would just like for one day to not let him think that he has 'won,' if that makes any sense? I know that I am richer than him in so many ways, I have a lovely husband and baby and that is worth more than anything in the world, but he won't care about these things. If I arrive in my clapped out old car with my primark bag, he will get no end of satisfaction. I just want to look and feel amazing and make HIM feel like he got a raw deal. Argh I am making myself sound totally awful, I don't even know how to explain it properly. He made me feel so crap for so long, and I just want to go to the wedding and feel better than him in every way possible. I want a nicer car than him, I want to be slimmer and prettier than his girlfriend, I want a bigger diamond ring than her and I want him to be jealous of the life I have created for myself.

What would you do? I know this sounds shallow and childish and awful, but I just want to feel good about myself for one day and not let him see me as pathetic.

BOF Fri 26-Apr-13 01:02:09

All you can do (and it's powerful) is look happy and relaxed in your husband's company and generally at the wedding. Status symbols mean fuck-all. A generous laugh and happily mingling with friends go a long way.

SavoyCabbage Fri 26-Apr-13 01:17:04

Park round the corner. wink Put a lot of effort onto what you are going to wear to make yourself feel more confident, and go and have a lovely day.

Got any cleavage? Get it out. My skinny mate has none. And I bet you are pretty.

Enjoy your best friend's wedding and being with your dh. laugh and dance and talk yo everyone.

Whitewineformeplease Fri 26-Apr-13 03:34:37

The best way you can 'get back' at him is to let him know you don't give a shit about him any more. Give a little smile and a nod when you see him, then stay out of his way for the rest of the day. You can't fake these things, and he will know just by watching you and your husband together, that you are much happier than you were with him. And his girlfriend, skinny as she may be, is with him, so she is probably miserable. Good luck!

Doodledumdums Fri 26-Apr-13 22:27:19

Haha, yes I should definitely park around the corner!

I do have some good cleavage, but i've seen photos and unfortunately so does she :-( I think it should be law that thin people aren't allowed big boobs, they should save big boobs for big people like me!

I just can't help stressing about it and it's driving me mad. I just really hoped that I would never have to see him or hear about him again, and now it seems that I have to spend the whole day in the same room as him. Also i've been told that his new gf is a bit OTT, so i'm worried that she will have no qualms about causing a scene. I sincerely hope she doesn't, and if she does then obviously I would never get involved, but it could just be embarrassing and horrible. Plus I know what my ex is like when he is drunk, he gets very aggressive and cocky, and I wouldn't put it past him to try and start a fight with my husband. He would totally be barking up the wrong tree if he did because my hubby is the most placid non confrontational person that I have ever met, but again, it would just cause unneccessary drama.

Urgh I just wish they weren't coming. I was so looking forward to my best friends wedding, and now I just don't want to go at all. I have anxiety and self esteem issues anyway, and this just wont help. It is so tempting to just hire a gorgeous designer dress and handbag and a nice car for the day and make it look like not only are we a very happy family (which is true), but also we are rich and have lovely things (totally not true, we work hard but are as poor as church mice!). I just don't want to feel inferior to him in any way.

Urgh it just sucks :-(

emsyj Fri 26-Apr-13 22:31:57

Blimey, in your position I would be falling on my knees with gratitude to have a lovely husband, a child and to have escaped marrying a cheating, abusive, aggressive (violent??) arsehole!

Why do you feel so inferior? Having lots of money does not = successful and happy, and your feelings of inferiority are not caused by him being rich or his girlfriend being good looking (which didn't get her far, by the sounds of it - not exactly a catch, is he?) That old Eleanor Roosevelt quote comes to mind - "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". You need to withdraw your consent.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Fri 26-Apr-13 22:34:46

Get yourself to M+S and buy a huge fake diamond ring. £7

Then flash accordingly.

Seriously - agree with emsyj. She's with him. Who's an arsehole. And you know that. Just smile knowingly wink Who cares what she looks like? You should be feeling sorry for her!

mrspaddy Fri 26-Apr-13 22:37:12

I was going to suggest dress hire.. but do it for yourself.. not for him. Get a re-style and your make up done..for you!
Feck him.. you've already won. I do think give yourself a confidence boost and put your best foot forward. Just because you think she is prettier.. doesn't mean she is. How do you know she is not looking at you thinking, 'he will never love me as much as he loved her?' It's not relevant anymore.
Ps .. all being all.. I would be anxious too.. understand. But there is nothing more beautiful than a happy kind person which is what you seem to be x

WouldBeHarrietVane Fri 26-Apr-13 22:37:20

You looking happy will be the most annoying thing of all to him. I know how hard this is, but try to forget he is there at all.

Doodledumdums Fri 26-Apr-13 22:48:54

I really do feel sorry for her, if he treats her anything like he treated me then she certainly can't be having much fun.

I know I shouldn't feel inferior to him, and I am extremely lucky that I escaped him as I could quite easily have married him at one point. I would just like him to think that I have everything that he has and more, i.e that I not only have loads of money like he does, and am slim and beautiful like his gf, but I also have a lovely family and am really happy.

I know it sounds totally shallow and stupid, and I should just be grateful for what I have, but I just want him to see that I never needed him and i've got everything and he hasn't? I know it doesn't make much sense confused

emsyj Fri 26-Apr-13 22:53:16

"I just want him to see that I never needed him and i've got everything and he hasn't?"

He will see that. You have got everything. You didn't need him. How sad that the current girlfriend does! As my favourite trashy daytime TV star Judge Judy says - 'Beauty fades, dumb is forever!' grin

Doodledumdums Fri 26-Apr-13 23:02:16

Haha, that is a brilliant quote from Judge Judy!

Yes that is true, I have an awful lot more than he does, and my husband has NEVER said to me 'If you really respected me then you'd lose weight' like that bastard did, among many other horrible things. I guess I just have to see that I am the real 'winner' here. He may be rich, but he'll probably end up very lonely.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Fri 26-Apr-13 23:39:54

Oh and rent yourself a flash car for the day. smile

Doodledumdums Sat 27-Apr-13 00:25:58

Good idea! Perhaps the car that I know that he has always wanted?! Or maybe that is one step too far?!

HarrietSchulenberg Sat 27-Apr-13 00:54:13

Pretend you don't remember him. If he says hello, smile graciously, introduce yourself as if for the first time then ask him how he knows the happy couple.

Doodledumdums Sat 27-Apr-13 01:00:44

Haha, that would wind him up soooo much! I'm not sure it would be believable though as we were together for four years, but it is definitely worth it just to see his face!

Whitewineformeplease Sat 27-Apr-13 11:28:21

Are you staying over for the wedding? Because if you are, I would stay for the dinner, speeches etc., then head off to your room early, get a bottle of champagne to the room and have a night to yourselves!

Doodledumdums Sat 27-Apr-13 13:30:19

I think we'll be driving home as it's only about an hour away from where we live, and we'll have our baby with us so it's easier to go home rather than stay. Nice idea though!!

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Wed 01-May-13 00:22:03

Actually, don't do anything that you wouldn't do if he wasn't there. IYSWIM He isn't worth thinking about. Keep giving yourself a good talking too if you ever catch yourself thinking about him.

It's all history now.

Congrats on the lovely DH and baby thanks

Inertia Fri 03-May-13 06:59:21

The girlfriend may have looks and money but she also has an abusive bullying partner.

The Ex may have money and a lifestyle but he also has severe character flaws and an awful attitude towards women. Whatever stuff he has, I bet he will never be happy.

You have everything - a happy family. You can pretend / borrow / hire nice stuff.

SacreBlue Fri 03-May-13 07:12:54

I agree with ii - was anything you did ever enough for him when you were going out? I bet not. And not because of you, because of his own fuckwittery.

All that effort put into pleasing him then and you want to spend more time and money on him now? Even if it is intended to piss him off I seriously doubt he would give you the satisfaction and you might feel spectacularly worse if he twigs it's to 'impress' him. And wouldn't you rather be impressing your lovely DH?

IIWM I would spend any time or money on what DH & you wanted and not even give your ex one single damn thought!

tiredemma Fri 03-May-13 07:17:20

His ex-girlfriend might look at you and see that you have a loving husband and beautiful baby. If he was a bully with you then he is bound to be a bully with her.

You have it all. Money and nice clothes are nothing when you are living with an intimidating bastard. He sounds extremely shallow- she probably has a lot of pressure put upon her to 'look nice'.

Go and smile. a lot.

I agree with sacreblue, the best thing you can do is not even give him a second thought.

Stop thinknig about him, and certainly don't spend money on him.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. It really doesn't.

Just go to the wedding and pretend he isn't there. Concentrate on having fun at your friend's wedding. Don't give him a second thought.

tiredemma Fri 03-May-13 07:25:33

his girlfriend sorry- not ex.

still tired!

barnet Fri 03-May-13 07:33:28

It will be sad for your dh if you make so much effort to impress another guy, whatever your reasons! Your dh sounds lovely, maybe it would be nice if you just had eyes for him? And look fab just for you, and for your dh.
Your ex would get a MASSIVE ego boost if he sees you trying to impress him, looking his way, sizing up his girlfriend, it would be obvious! He would get great satisfaction out of it. Just ignore him and check out how lovely your hubby is.

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