in this situation?

(108 Posts)

It's my dad's significant birthday in a few weeks. Mum and dad have booked a restaurant near them for a big family party. DH and I went with them a number of years ago, and DH was quite ill afterwards, not been since. We didn't mention it to either them or the restarurant at the time, which I now regret.
DH says he's not going. Parents are a bit irritated. Is there any compromise here?

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 23:17:07

Stealth, my XH1 used to do this. Not exactly the same (he wouldn't have bothered with the 'traumatised by suspected food poisoning' bit) but was a right prima donna. After a while I stopped giving up my lovely dinners with friends & family on his whim. I just told people I'd be coming by myself and, when they asked what was up with him, said "He says he doesn't want to come. I do, though!"

If anybody wanted to make a thing out of it, I refused to make excuses for him - which he'd have preferred, obv - and told them to ask him themselves if they must, but as far as I was concerned it was sorted.

Sometimes people would say it seemed odd, and try to poke around a bit, but actually it was none of their business. I just made a big, airy joke out of his preciousness smile 'Twas fine.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 15-Apr-13 21:55:36

Can he ring your parents and tell them? And ring his parents and tell them?

AnyFucker Mon 15-Apr-13 21:53:14

This is not your marriage's fault, love

It's his fault, and his alone

Haven't you got that yet ? < note to self, must try harder >

I don't think so.

"He really doesn't like it here and is being a baby about it, so we came without him." They might think it is an odd situation, but their eyebrow raising will be directed at him, not you.

StealthOfficialCrispTester Mon 15-Apr-13 21:18:06

Does that not invite comment or argument though? I don't want to cover up for him, I just want an answer ti the inevitable questions that doesn't talk about D&V, and doesn't start with me airing my marriage's faults at a celebratory dinner.
Maybe I could say hed been picked by NASA to go into space.

DorisIsWaiting Mon 15-Apr-13 21:16:28

The only thing you need to tell opthers is the TRUTH!

He was ill after coming here YEARS ago, and was being a big baby about coming back. No further comment required.

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 20:34:09

<applauds AnyFucker>

NigellaLawless Mon 15-Apr-13 18:56:09

If this was my DH I would be mad as hell at him as i would think its incredibley rude and disrespectful to my father. However I certainly wouldn't lie for him. I would simply tell anyone who asked why he's not there. I would make it clear that I don't think the d&v came from the restaurant but that DH is a stubborn fool (
So as not to ruin the.meal for everyone else)

I'm sorry you are so upset about this. Your dad's 60th should be a really happy time! I hope you can put dhs stupidity to one side and enjoy yourself smile

AnyFucker Mon 15-Apr-13 17:43:03

SPB, you are tying yourself in knots (and going to make yourself ill at this rate) trying to protect this man

Simply stop doing it

Let him feel the consequences of his own actions

I think, like a spoiled 3yo....this is exactly what he needs (and has been missing for a long time, because you cover for him?)

He's not a child, he is a grown man. Let him explain his thought processes. Stop covering up for him.

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 15:34:30

May I be the first to say LTB? Get Daddy to take you & DC home with them! You can be his surprise birthday present grin

Glad your twititis immunity seems up to date.

Lol. Nasty case of twititis. Symptoms- acting drunk, falling asleep, throwing food. They'll be glad he's at home

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 15:20:40

Stealth. I luffs you. I'm sure most people do! Just tell 'em he's being a twit and you're looking forward to having a nice celebration, whinge-free. They'll get it smile

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:52:54

Someone having a quiet word - that would prick my ears up a treat nosy old gimmer than I am.

Hence saying that he's poorly. And, thinking about it further, make it something irritating and infectious but not debilitating - so he's doing everyone a selfless favour by not turning up!

Lol at "which sounds likely" whatever gave you that impression? grin
I don't know. I really haven't got a clue.

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:44:45

Sorry cinnabar, x posts!
My going away you mean, or someone having a quiet word?
I think I see what you mean with the latter idea, but just trying to think of a way stealth could go and enjoy herself without fending off endless questions.
I am worried about you now stealth sad

Voodika Mon 15-Apr-13 14:44:13

Why don't you and the children go and say DH is at home ill ( which sounds likely) then everyone will be happy?

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:42:48

Yes, I get that.
But, honestly?
You cannot force an adult to do anything they dont want to do.
If he went it would probably spoil it for you now anyway.
So what if people think you are splitting up?
You arent.
So it doesnt matter what they think!!

......................

Or are you?
Is that what this is about?
Why on earth would you think people would jump to that conclusion!?

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:40:24

That was to Badvoc, BTW.

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:40:21

You seem to care a lot about how other people percieve you and your life.
I just dont give a crappity crap so its easier for me smile
Seriously, you need to be asking yourself why this is upsetting you so much.
Go to your dads party. Have a nice time. Come home.
x

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:39:32

Now that really would make me think they were splitting up!

No I agree, in general. But I can't see how not going to your fils sixtieth birthday - the fil you've up till that point got on very well with and who has been very kind and generous to you - can be seen as anything but a snub, unless you are literally bed bound.

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:37:42

Also, just to add...dh and I often go to events on our own...I am going away for 3 days to ireland in 2 weeks for example!
It doesnt "mean" anything other than we enjoy time spent apart occasionally.

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:35:55

No need to mention d&v!
Say he didnt want to come and change the subject.
Please dont let it spoil your day.
Perhaps a family member you trust could make it known before hand that your dh doesnt want to go and that you are upset and would prefer not to talk about it on the day?
Is that an option?

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:29:40

Why will they know you're lying? I would absolutely take you at face value.

And sod 'em if they thing you're splitting - time will show them they're wrong.

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:28:26

And you're not unreasonable to nurture that hope! Which can be achieved by leaving DH at home and telling everyone he's come down with a chest bug. No need to mention D&V at all.

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