please help me make the right choice, abortion

(17 Posts)
sameasme Mon 01-Apr-13 10:28:43

Your latest response worries me TBH. I got pregnant just at the point where our youngest was due to start secondary school and DH was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after years of school runs. He was working nights and finally had the chance to go on days. He really wasn't happy at the idea of another baby.

Like you I worried I wouldn't be able to cope with another baby without his support and decided that an abortion was the best answer for everyone. What I realised later was I was hoping for someone to give me 'permission' to keep the baby. I even went into the clinic half-hoping the abortion would fail.

What happened after was that all the many reasons why I couldn't have the baby all melted away. He didn't bother changing jobs. I resented him so much. He says now (and we are over 10 years past) that it was the wrong decision. It didn't split us up, but it could have done. I was angry with myself for ignoring what I wanted to do for the sake of other people. We went on to have another baby 5 years later, but obviously our other children were now that much older so we effectively have an only at home. The timing would have been better 5 years earlier.

The worst was about 5 years of horrible guilt torturing myself that I had killed my baby, which came to a head when we had to have our dog PTS. (I'm not saying anyone else feels this BTW - it was just my state of mind at the time)

I say this not to guilt you into keeping a baby you don't want. As others have said there is no shame in terminating an unwanted pregnancy. The problem is that from your post you are only doing it for your DH. You really need to discuss this with him as you will end up resenting him. In our case we already had our family and this was an extra, but you've said you want a second eventually. Think about how you would feel if you had problems TTC later on.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

gingercats Mon 01-Apr-13 04:16:20

Thank you all, I can't tell u how comforting it is to read ur words of support as I lie awake in the early hours. Also thanks for ur honesty about ur own experiences. Dh is very keen to start his course in Sep & therefore feels that the timing of having dc2 wouldn't be right. Without his full support I can't imagine coping with both babies. It prob isn't poss for him to defer & as he has already waited several years (& overcome some obstacles) it might mean he has to stay in a job he hates. He will support my decision if I decide to keep the baby, but he wouldn't choose it.
Dd may well have gained more independence by then. However, If she still needs the high level care in 9+ months then I don't think I could give enough attention to her & dc2, it wouldn't be fair on them.
I think it is still very early stages of pg, I need to confirm that & discuss options with Dr. Does anyone know how it works on bank hols re getting a dating scan? Will I have to wait til tues b4 I can even speak to anyone?

scarlettsmummy2 Mon 01-Apr-13 02:37:10

Defer your husband going to uni for a year and have the baby.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 01-Apr-13 01:41:02

Hi sweetheart. I'm completely pro-choice about abortion - I believe totally in the woman's right to choose. So if you go ahead, and if it's the right choice for you now, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

What I will say, though, is that someone who feels wracked with guilt about an abortion, has to be very careful that they are making the right choice, for the right reasons.

I would just like to tell you that ds1 was a very clingy 1yr old and I couldn't, at the time, imagine looking after a newborn and him. But by the time he was 2 yrs old, the situation was totally different, and I was trying for dc2. I did get preg straight away and their is an age diff of 2.8yrs between them. There were hard days - but not as many as I thought.

If your decision to terminate is due to timing, and you are very keen on having a 2nd child, then think very carefully. It is YOUR decision. Listen to what that little voice at the back of your mind is saying.

Best of luck, whatever your choice.

Ignoring the practical issues for a moment, do you want to have a baby now? How would you feel if you miscarried tomorrow?

I think the only wrong decision is one that makes you miserable.

Queenofknickers Mon 01-Apr-13 01:14:53

I'm not going to tell you what to do - I have had one termination which I never regretted and carried on reluctantly with one unexpected pregnancy (DS1 was 8 mos old) and it worked out ok. What would help is some good counselling from specialist professionals - I think Marie Stopes offer unbiased counselling but I'm not expert. Watch out though for some orgs that claim to offer counselling and are just pro-life orgs in disguise.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:58:34

With the greatest of respect you are thinking about material things...
My issue is i consider my pregnancies a baby from the point of getting a BFP.

An abortion stays with you forever. Whereas all the other points in your post, including your exsisting child are transient..( excuse spelling).

Think long & hard, only you will live with the feelings your decision create.

PlainBefuddled Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:35

What's a velcro baby? Do you suffer from high anxiety?

ThisIsMummyPig Sun 31-Mar-13 23:47:06

The problem about asking about abortions, is that people who feel strongly about them tend to be against, whereas people who are in favour are a bit more pragmatic.

I had a two year gap between my kids, and it was very, very hard, for lots of reasons, but they are good friends now, and entertain each other. There is also a shorter period of time when they both need childcare, and looking after in the school holidays than there would be if they were further apart.

You don't say if you have told your DH how you feel, and you need to. Whatever you decide, you need to decide it together.

FWIW though, in your position now, I think I would have the abortion. I would definately have an abortion if I fell pregnant again.

I had a velcro baby when DC3 was conceived. We found out on his 2nd birthday. I was still having to sling him and we co-slept. Fast forward 4 years. DS2 is now 3.9 and a lovley, albeit naughty boy. Velcro boy is still the same and co-sleeps with me at 6. He is becoming more independent and is a joy at school. He is a fucking nightmare at home and we are thinking of counselling or taking him to the Dr's. Whether these things are connected or not, I don't know.

With hindsight, would I have gone ahead with my pregnancy? No.

I love DS2 (and wouldn't be without HIM) but his arrival has altered the dynamic of my family beyond measure.

elvislives Sun 31-Mar-13 23:36:57

What you need to do is step back. As Horry says, your DD will be completely different by then anyway. Focus on how you feel about the pregnancy. Obviously you do have to take other things into account but at this early stage put aside DP and his course, and your DD, and think about what you want.

Do you want this baby, now? Yes or no. That should be your first consideration. If no, then there is your answer. If yes, then you start thinking about how everything else fits together.

Don't feel guilty, but make sure the decision is one you are happy with or it will come back to haunt you.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 31-Mar-13 23:31:55

OP I have PM'd you a link which might be useful.

Bakingnovice Sun 31-Mar-13 23:31:55

You sound really mixed up. On the one hand you seem to have made up your mind to have an abortion, yet on the other hand you refer to it as a terrible decision and you speak of guilt. Only you can decide what's right for you. My only advice would be to try and make sure you are 100% secure with whatever you decide. I've known many women who are haunted after having an abortion, but less who are as damaged after going through with having the baby. If you decide in the abortion make sure you have support around you to deal with any feelings you have to deal with afterwards. I hope things work out for you.

Flojobunny Sun 31-Mar-13 23:21:37

Sounds to me like your mind is made up. You've given lots of reasons pro abortion and nothing other than guilt as a reason to keep your baby.
It makes it tempting for me to want to give you lots of reasons to keep your baby and give the opposite view point but that would seem like I am trying to persuade you to keep it. Which I am not, only you can decide.
I had DC2, and it has been so hard, I wouldn't be without her now, but to have not met her and made that decision, so much would be different. But I am a single parent without a house to my name etc. Your circumstances seem much better.

Sorry to hear your distress. I don't think anyone has a tx without a certain amount of guilt and regret.

Objectively, it does sound like a bad time for you and DP to have another baby. You don't need to have any more reason than that, and you don't need to feel guilty about making that practical decision.

I think you are overthinking the effect on DD. The difference between a 1yo and a nearly-2yo is enormous. She might even adapt better at 2 than at 4 when she would have more memory of being an only child.

Good luck with your decision.

On one hand, if you did have this baby, fairly soon it would be a good age gap for your children, they would be close enough in age to enjoy playing together. (speaking as someone whose second child was an accidental pregnancy, I am now glad.)

I lost the contract I was working on when I went on maternity leave with number 2, and for a while I did think, "we'd have been fine financially if it hadn't been for DC2" but its also impossible to imagine life without DC2. Now we are fine financially. I found a different job. Could you possibly appeal to your wider family, for a loan or some financial help, maybe for that first year?

I would not criticise you if you did choose an abortion. But I do think, if you were open to one day having a second child, then do not rush into this decision. I think that it is highly possible it will all work out really well.

gingercats Sun 31-Mar-13 22:58:41

I have been feeling sick for about a week & this was a major symptom of 1st pg, i took a test. when it showed positive initially Dh & I felt a glimmer of excitement but after a reality check I think that I will be asking for an abortion when I visit the gp. It feels like the most terrible decision to make & I don't know if I will ever forgive myself, be able to smile or laugh again. I would appreciate advice, particularly if u have been in my position.
Pfb, dd is one. She is a high needs, velcro baby who takes up most of my energy. I love her so much & am devoted to making her world as happy as poss. if I went ahead with this pg, she would not yet be two & I think she would find the upheaval very traumatic.
Dh has a place at uni in Sep, to retrain in a career he has wanted to pursue for years. it will take up most of his weekends with coursework as well as 5 days a week at uni.
I have just started back at work, my job is physically demanding & not suitable later in pg or with a newbor so money would be so tight.
We are getting by fiancially, but certainly are not flush. we are fortunate to have a nice home & supportive family.
I hoped that our 2nd baby would be planned & welcomed into the family at the right time. I feel so stupid because we were using the withdrawal method which worked for us for several years b4 having dd. we rarely have sex now anyway & I thought it would ve ok. I feel so guilty for making a terrible choice.
I think an abortion is the only option, but I am wracked with guilt.

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