Reporting dh's friend

(17 Posts)
BelleEtLaBaby Tue 26-Mar-13 12:44:26

.DH has a friend who he had been close to since they were teenagers. Friend is not dh's best friend, but DH is his best friend (iyswim). Friend has alienated most of his other mates over the past few years with his behaviour and my (lovely) DH is just about the only one left.

Friend and DH lived together for a while after uni, and friend got engaged around the same time DH and I got together (and then engaged). Dh and I are now married with ds and I'm pregnant again, we just bought a house and DH landed his dream job (working in computer gaming) two years ago after a period of him not working (to try and get this career started - it paid off). Friend was dumped quite unceremoniously by the fiancée about six months after I got married.

Since then, he just seems to be sabotaging his whole life. He moved into a flat share in London with a mutual friend, but stopped working (self employed) and stayed home playing Xbox all day. He'd borrowed money to rent the flat and wasn't paying rent.

A neighbour got involved and started filling his head full of rubbish - out mate ran his business into the ground, and owed lots of money (the reason the fiancée left). The neighbour told him to go bankrupt. He had it in his head that this was an easy way out - just debts written off and everything simple. Except he owed money to another friend whose small business was struggling. They fell out over his plans for bankruptcy.

The house they were sharing was lost and his relative lost thousands of pounds in the deposit she'd lent him, plus she was his guarantor so liable for the back rent too. His family, while caring, will no longer lend him money as they can't afford to lose it and he can't be trusted. We have written off ever seeing some money we lent him at this time.

Anyway. Friend is now letting a house from a friend of mine - a favour she is doing me as Friend couldn't get a flat due to bad credit. My little sister also lives in this house. She has been telling me how he never washes/changes clothes etc, how awful he is to live with, how he keeps breaking things in the house. This is all difficult as I persuaded my friend to let to him on good faith.

But two things have happened which make me really uncomfortable.

First: he has told my sister that he is re-routing the gas pipes to bypass the meter so they will not have to pay for gas. He worked with gas by trade but is no longer certified to do so. I have told my sister to tell him that if he does so I will be telling my friend.

Secondly: he has been diagnosed with a degenerative eye condition which is slowly taking his eyesight. He has told my sister that he will be blind in five years. He also told her that he could be registered blind now (his vision is really poor - he squints at his phone about two inches from his face, can't read signs etc). He hasn't told us this directly but here is my dilemma. He should have told the dvla and surrendered his license a year ago on diagnosis, so he tells my sister. But he won't do so as he says he needs his van for work (although he is on job seekers at the moment he is doing cash in hand work on the quiet). He shouldn't be driving and we had a falling out in the summer when I refused to let him drive my ds across the county.

I feel like I should report him. The child of a friend of mine was badly injured a few years ago when hit by a driver who was epileptic but had refused to surrender her license. It was awful. If he were to hit someone or cause an accident, I would be beside myself with guilt.

I discussed this with DH - have begged him not to get into a car with this friend. He says we can't report him as DH thinks he is depressed (to explain his behaviour of the last few years - he could be right) and this could 'push him over the edge'. DH is kind of right but I'm torn between doing what I think is right and doing right by a friend. It's all very upsetting.

I also know that this friend has been bad mouthing DH to my sister but I have not said anything. Sis and I discussed this and we think its not malice but jealousy - DH has everything this friend does not have and I think he is finding it hard to look at DH with wife, kids, house, dream job etc and friend had none of this when they were both in such similar positions a few years ago.

I do think friend is in a bit of a mess and want to help him. I disagree with many of his decisions (benefit fraud, stealing gas, not paying taxes for many years properly etc) but its not my business. But the dvla thing I just can't shake. Friend thinks I am a bitch by the way as I wouldn't let him drive my son after we found out that he shouldn't be driving. He is not a very safe driver anyway and I just couldn't live with it.

Any advice much appreciated.

Madlizzy Tue 26-Mar-13 12:50:12

What on earth does your DH get out of a friendship with this man? Why did you do him the favour of sorting him somewhere to live? You can't help him, he doesn't want to be helped to sort himself out, he's managing quite well, thank you very much, with people to shore him up and sort out his problems. Definitely report him to the DVLA before he kills someone. This man is a leech, not a friend.

mummytime Tue 26-Mar-13 13:04:50

I would start by apologising to your friend, and tell her what this man has said he will do with the gas supply.
I would definitely report him for driving with failing eye sight.

If he is depressed he needsroper help, not shielding from his own irresponsible behaviour.
Every time your DHtakes a lift with him he is risking his life. I hope your DH is well insured.

BelleEtLaBaby Tue 26-Mar-13 23:46:39

MadLizzy honestly, I don't know what dh gets out of it. He's very loyal and it takes a lot for him to end a friendship or even drift away from someone he considers a friend. His circle of mates is varied and wide. I'm not the same, I have a couple of close friends and we are like sisters but I don't keep people in my life who I have problems with. One of the things I love about my dh is that he has taught me to be more accepting of people, but I do think he could learn from me too.

Dh thinks his friend is depressed, and I've suffered with depression in the past. He did seem to be sorting himself out so I asked my friend for the favour. She's very easy going and tbh it's not a lovely house or anything. I think we just wanted to try and get him back on his feet, but I feel like he's just pissing all over that. I do agree with what you say about him helping himself - he's very immature. He could easily get work round here but thinks casual factory work is beneath him. But he will take benefit money, and was planning to do Kleeneze catalogues as someone told him it was an easy way to make loads of money. But my sister knows someone who does this and it's pocket money really. He told my dsis that his whole plan was to sell to me and dh, his dad, dh's parents and his neighbor. I've told dh we're not buying any of it. I call him Beanstalk behind his back as he's always into one get rich quick scheme or another.

I will wait and see what happens with the gas. If he does it, I will tell my friend straight away. He is often all talk and my dsis has told him I know and that I will tell my friend. It will probably be another one of those things he talks about but does not follow through on.

Mummytime my friend knows him socially too. I have apologised and grovelled to both her and my dsis for letting them have him there. He's been a nightmare to my sis who is about to move out because of his behaviour.

The dvla thing just feels tricky, because I feel that I would be betraying dh in some way if I go behind his back. A few people know about his eyes and he would not necessarily know it was me, but if he found out it would be over for him with dh and I think dh feels better to remain friends and keep an eye on him. I am really wrestling with this one. Being a friend is all well and good but I said to dh tonight what if the accident he has because he can't see kills himself?

I want to convince Friend to do it himself really but I can't see it happening. Thanks for the replies.

I am afraid that you need to report both the gas and the DVLA issue, as both are hazardous. Rerouting the gas could cause an explosion that could injure or kill innocent people, and if he can't see properly to drive, he is an accident waiting to happen - and again, innocent people could be hurt or killed.

If you don't report him, and he hurts someone, you will have that on your conscience. I'm not saying this to guilt trip,you, but because it is obvious to me that you are a good person who would find it hard to avoid thinking 'if I had reported him this might not have happened' - and you don't deserve that to,happen.

Apologies for the random extra commas - fat fingers + iPad issues!

BelleEtLaBaby Thu 28-Mar-13 11:46:56

My dsis came round yesterday and said that suddenly there was hot water and heating on in the house. She asked him if he'd done the gas thing and he denied it but she thinks he is lying. I called my friend in the evening and told her my suspicions and that I was so sorry for asking her to let to him if it was true. Her dad is going round tomorrow (as friend is away then) to look and see if it's been tampered with. If it has, she'll be giving him notice. There will be arguments over this as he will think it was my sis or me and I won't lie about it. I'm angry at him for doing this to my friend.

With regards to the DVLA. He's got a job lined up which will require him to drive a works can. My dsis says he will have to declare he is fit to drive in order to have the works vehicle. He has said he simply won't declare. I looked into it and it seems that if I call the dvla and tell them, he could be fined. He will also lose the job. I have agreed with DH that I won't say anything yet - although I'm not happy - and DH is going to do his best to persuade him to be honest and do it himself. I'm giving him a bit of time as I would probably want the same if it were a friend of mine. I wouldn't want DH to go against my wishes in that circumstance. But I'm not waiting forever and if he doesn't declare then I am going to write in anonymously.

This is very hard and I have really had to wrestle with my morals here. Thanks for the replies.

I'm sorry, Belle, but I think you have made the wrong decision, regarding reporting him to the DVLA. This man is a very real danger to people whenever he drives. If you don't report him, and he has an accident and hurts or even kills someone, how will you feel? I would feel partially responsible, and would blame myself for not having done what I could, to prevent him driving.

QuintEggSensuality Thu 28-Mar-13 13:46:27

What planet were you on when you persuaded a friend to let him rent from her? And then live together with your own sister? shock

With any sense you should have kept your beak out, and your sister away from this man.

Mydelilah Thu 28-Mar-13 13:59:52

You are and have been a good friend to this man, you and DH seem like nice people.

BUT I'm horrified friend is driving with such inadequate eyesight, and a number of people including yourself are enabling this. It's not just about you and yours getting in a car with him, it's every single other person on the road or surrounding pavements when he's driving that are at risk, and that makes me feel ill quite frankly. How can you allow this to continue? hmm

AlanMoore Thu 28-Mar-13 14:03:12

Report him now, not doing his MH any favours by letting him kill someone in van or gas explosion!

AshokanFarewell Thu 28-Mar-13 14:11:49

It's all very well wanting to do the right thing by your husband and his friend, but what about all the innocent people who could be injured? This man is being selfish and irresponsible, and you are enabling him. Every time he gets in his van he is a risk to other road users. If something happens and you knew about his eyesight beforehand I think you would probably feel terribly guilty.

danceponydance Thu 28-Mar-13 14:17:10

If there is any suspicion that he has tampered with the gas then this should be reported now! Do you really want a scenario where someone enters the house, turns the light switch on and the place explodes? It might be your sister, husband or friend in the house who gets injured as a result. Tampering with a meter/gas supply must be even more dangerous if the person doing it has inadequate eyesight.

I could not live with my conscience if someone died as a result of this man tampering with the meter or driving when he shouldn't be and I had known about it and done nothing.

NatashaBee Thu 28-Mar-13 14:29:51

I would report him on both counts. Why on earth did you dump him on your friend and sister knowing how unreliable and financially unstable he was?

I'm sorry but I wouldn't wait. it's hard now when he faces.losing a potential job, it will be impossible once he seems to be getting "back on his feet"

the problem with this is that He is not helping himself. He is choosing to apply for jobs that he is not appropriate for now, and that definitely don't have a future as he will supposedly have to quit when he eventually does lose all sight. Not meaning the pun, his choices are very short sighted, and letting him go down this road is setting him up for a fall in two years time. That's not your responsibility, but can you watch this all play out again? agreeing not report now, is really agreeing to never report, well not until he does anyway. your dh will never be comfortable with it, but you will be doing the right thing if you report. what if a stranger hit your DHS dc, how would he feel if that stranger not only did this, but could have prevented it, and should not have been driving? its a matter of time before his friend hits, maybe not your, but certainly someone's, dcsad

LimitedEditionLady Wed 24-Apr-13 22:57:43

Please report the gas situation.If anything goes wrong you will regret it for the rest of your life.Close subject to my heart.The devastation it causes.Please.
Youre not a bad person,i can feel you dont know what to do but think of it this way.You wouldnt let him drive your family.what about the person he runs down?he runs into?he misjudges and causes danger to someone else?what is morally right here?everybody out there is someones family.

LimitedEditionLady Wed 24-Apr-13 23:02:38

Be the person you are inside and report it.youre protecting one person because you are afraid of getting him in trouble and you know hes putting a hell of a lot more at risk.he chose to do those things.my friend said he would drink and drive.i said if he got in the car id ring the police.he was mad but it was worth it to not have him do it.

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