How can I report this man?

(52 Posts)
jellyrolly Sat 16-Mar-13 20:56:47

I was at a good friend's wedding and one of the guest's husbands was really drunk. He tried to grope me on the dance floor and I thumped him, so far so wedding party. As I left the dance floor the bride's sister had seen him try and grope me and told me he had just asked her DD to go to the toilets with him while making a lewd hand gesture to her. Thank goodness she was able to say no, she is only 9, and told her mum. She was really upset and started crying. He then asked another young girl to go with him to the toilet and a different boy, only aged about 10, stopped her from going with him.

It sounds ridiculous now but we didn't want to cause a fight or a scene and ruin the wedding party so he wasn't confronted by anyone. His own wife was mortified but I don't think she knew he had approached children, just that he was being a complete w&*ker. They have a five year old DD. I can't do nothing but I don't know what to do. I don't even know his full name. Again, it sounds stupid but I don't want to tell the bride what happened to her niece on her wedding day. She knows he was lewd to adult guests but this is a different matter. We spoke the next day and she was really upset that he had ruined the day, and that was based on what she did know.

I have sent a text to the bride's sister but she hasn't replied, I don't want to upset her further, maybe she just wants to forget about it but I can't. WWYD?

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 15:24:36

He said he wanted to spank me on the bum, I told him if he did I would hit him. He tried to grab my bum, I hit him, more of a shove really but he got the point. Not enough to report there, I imagine most of the women there had a similar exchange with him, vile drunk man.

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 15:26:24

I am sure I can find out his name and do this anonymously. Everyone saw his general behaviour.

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 15:29:06

Sorry, cross posting.

Yes I do know the bride very well, the problem is her sister doesn't want her to know about what happened with her niece and it is for her to report ultimately. They are quite a feisty pair of sisters! Women become steely to protect their own, I don't think she would respond to the police if she had decided not to.

wrongsideoftheroad Sun 17-Mar-13 15:33:47

What about the other little girl...do you know who she was/who her parents are? Would she have said something to her parents?

ihearsounds Sun 17-Mar-13 15:37:11

I would actually now call the mum and tell her straight. How would she feel in however long, his pic and name are plastered all over the media because he has done things to other children. It's because people don't report little incidents, that people are able to continue to commit further crimes. Explain that you were giving her the courtesy to make a complaint herself, but you cannot sit back knowing what you know, because that makes you also complacent.

The police in these incidents are all specially trained, and know how to question children with minimum of upset. It's not sitting in an interview room, with police firing questions. But in specialist rooms, and having a chat, which is recorded.

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 15:38:36

I can see how from her perspective:
- nothing actually 'happened', her daughter was frightened but that could be as much about having a drunken adult close to her as much as anything
- reporting the man to the police will be very difficult for his wife, and possibly all for nothing if the police decide not to pursue it for lack of evidence (after she's asked her children to recount the events, however sensitively the police handle it)
- she will then look as if she's overreacted to what was 'just' poor behaviour at a party.

EXCEPT

- this is in no way normal drunk behaviour.
- what if he is already abusing children, or is getting ready to?

If the mother of the girl chooses not to take it further with the police, that's on her. And presumably the mother of the other girl has been informed so she can make her own choice too .. or is that being brushed under the carpet as well? (I appreciate you can notify the other mother as you have no idea who the second child was).

But I think if I were you, I would do as MakeCakes suggests and get things rolling. For one simple reason: you've admitted to the bride's sister that you want to go to the police. I have a feeling this may be the start of ranks being closed against you and you getting pressure from all quarters not to go to the police - from the bride when she's back, god knows even from the wife. I would take that pressure out of the equation; tell the police what you know (which is not a great deal on its own - hearsay about someone whose surname you don't know). That way it's out of your hands and the police can determine the appropriate next steps.

Don't leave this up to the child's mother. She's leaving it up to the wife. Everyone has an excellent reason to believe someone else will deal with it - which is exactly how abuse can go on under people's noses.

edam Sun 17-Mar-13 15:49:56

What a horrible situation. It's a shame that you seem to be out on a limb here, with the bride's sister trying to forget it; but it is so extremely dangerous behaviour that it does need to be reported. Being drunk doesn't make an ordinary man try to persuade two different children to go to the loo with him. That's bizarre - I can't see any way that it could be innocent or just normal drunken stupidity.

I can kind of see why the bride's sister doesn't want to report it. But that's shrinking from a duty. She has a duty to any other child this man comes into contact with, particularly his own little girl.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 17-Mar-13 15:52:17

Could you call NSPCC for advice? They deal with many anonymous reports and will know what to suggest.

SucksToBeMe Sun 17-Mar-13 15:59:46

I'm glad you are chasing this up. A few years ago in my OH home country I noticed one of his friends was too friendly with the younger children. He was always around, and he sent my hackles up every time he was near children. I would always intercept any contact he initiated with my 3 yr old. OH said I was overreacting.
Over Xmas I heard from my sister in law that she walked into a room at a family party and he was holding her DD and W*****g.
I am so disappointed in myself for not making a bigger deal of the way I felt.

wrongsideoftheroad Sun 17-Mar-13 17:23:20

Suckstobeme, that is horrifying.

NSPCC is a good idea.

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 20:19:15

I think I do know who the other child was but don't know their parents. NSPCC is a good idea for advice. I absolutely agree that everyone passing the buck is how people get away with this. I don't believe this can be the first or last evidence of his behaviour or intent.

AuntieMaggie Sun 17-Mar-13 20:22:45

Can you report what you know and let the police follow up in finding out his surname and talking to the parents of the children involved?

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 20:27:44

I'm going to seek some more advice first, I don't want to get this wrong as I think a lot is at stake. I have a friend who is a police officer and also think the NSPCC could advise. I do want to respect the girl's mother but I can't do nothing.

BettySuarez Sun 17-Mar-13 20:53:17

OP you are trying to analyse what you have seen and heard and trying to work out whether this man is a threat or not.

With respect, it's not your decision.

You need to report this man immediately to the police and let them decide the best way forward.

Stop trying to over analyse this.

One of the reasons why abusers get away with this is because other people don't want to interfere or make a fuss. Please don't be that person.

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 21:18:19

In my opinion I think he is a threat. My hesitation is that I don't know his name, where he lives or anything else about him and the person who was affected has stated she doesn't want to speak to the police. I'm not that person who doesn't want to interfere or make a fuss, I am finding myself up against those people and am seeking advice about how to best deal with it. I'm at a loss as to how to report a man whose first name is the only thing I know about him.

wrongsideoftheroad Sun 17-Mar-13 21:20:45

Do you know anyone else who was at the wedding? Can you ask around for his name? You said it was a big friendship group he was part of - how do they all know each other?

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 21:27:19

I only know the bride well, the other group are friends of hers who I have seen at parties over the years, I don't know them to contact. I have looked for them on facebook but got nowhere with that.

BettySuarez Sun 17-Mar-13 21:39:28

I really don't envy you being in this position but as I said before, let the police deal with this. They will be able to find out the name of this man (trust me, they will).

I think that you have then done all you can do (and all you should do).

Try not to over-think this, there's no point. Just report everything you know and the take a step back x

Please report it, other children will be in danger, possibly including his 5-year-old

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 21:47:16

Yes I am very tired and beginning to think I am a detective. I will call them in the morning.

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 22:08:36

You can only report what you know. Let the police take it from there. If the bride's sister denies it when they ask her - she'll have to live with that. But you will at least have done what you can.

Quilty Mon 18-Mar-13 10:50:04

Once you report an incident it will be given a case number, I think you should report only what you know so far and if you find out his surname you can always ring again and give further details to add to your report. Don't worry about finding out more about him before phoning the police, just report what you witnessed including his behaviour towards you. You're doing the right thing.

wrongsideoftheroad Mon 18-Mar-13 13:26:30

How are you today jellyroll? Hope you're ok.

gobbin Sat 23-Mar-13 10:29:34

In our safeguarding training in work we are told that we should always pass information on if someone makes a disclosure or even if we're uneasy about a child/situation and to write down what was said/done and report it that day.

The overriding importance is the safety of the child/children and in this situation there are clearly children who have been exposed to risk and potentially other children too.

Taking all this into account, I would be ignoring the wishes of the mother, it's not just her call on this. I'd be ringing police non-emerg and reporting everything I'd seen /heard said and leave it to those who can deal with it. Stress that, whilst you could handle his inappropriate advances, it's what he sounds to have done next that concerned you.

Otherwise, you will be burdened with nagging doubt for a long time to come.

whatsleep Mon 15-Apr-13 18:58:34

Definitely report it, what I find worrying is the the thought that maybe he was not discrete about his behaviour of trying lure young children into the toilets with him, because he was drunk. When he is not drunk I.e in every day life, does he also hunt out children for unthinkable reasons?

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