Move south or stay put?

(18 Posts)

I live very far North.
My parents are local as is sis.
We go round twice a week for dinner, once because my dad teaches my DD fiddle, the other because the children have their swimming lessons in town and it has been handy to pop up, see Granny and Grandad get fed ;)
Mostly I get on with my family but sometimes they drive me batty, my sister, I am sure unwittingly, crushes my spirit with her love of putting down pretty much everything I say, do or suggest.
She honestly would be upset if she knew but it is so constant it is draining.
Sometimes my mum and she, would do it together, for amusements sakes. If ever I say, that is upsetting, they just say, ach we are just teasing.
Anyway, that aside.
For a couple of years I have wanted to get out.
DH and I came back to my home town 'just for a couple of years' that turned into 10, included our wedding nd two children along the way.

DH now has taken a job that has him away from us for 6 week stretches, back to us for 2 weeks.
The money is Great! But we lose a Daddy.
The next contract is in this country and we are thinking we could join him.
Although he would still be working silly hours so we would be there but he kinda wouldn't be, if you follow. Except for his one day off and then the two weeks.

Should we go?
Going would gain, our family back together, a new fresh, independent start, and bigger and better house (we are in a little two bed, DD and DS have to share a room. they are only 6+4 and Love sharing though) and all that living in the central belt could offer.
But, it would lose, free fiddle lessons, family being close, a fantastic dancing teacher, free and brilliant swimming lessons (I have a family card at the local pool with my dad, it covers the children's classes, he pays for the monthly fee) and a lovely school.
I have also made some really good friends up here who have said that they will miss me.

The future for living down there would mean that if DH has to go abroad again ( the current contact would be about a year long) he would be about an hour away from the airport instead of 5. So, once we were settled it would be an easier commute.

I am totally torn because although I have longed to get away from here (my family) for sooooo long, I would be giving up so much.
I grew up here, moved away to college, then came back.
I never imagined myself coming back, as I said, it was only meant to be a short regroup up here.
Now here I am, dithering!

DH isn't too bothered. He likes it up here, though he does fancy the move (the independence from my family) he would also be happy to travel as far as it took to get home to us.
Up to this point it has taken him two days to get home because he had to use public transport, now he has bought himself a car (which he can leave at his parents house whilst he is abroad) he would be home far quicker.

Argh, wwyd??

Gingerodgers Thu 14-Mar-13 18:46:18

Could you try it for the school hols, and see what you think, rather than giving everything up?

bigbuttons Thu 14-Mar-13 18:48:08

I would stay

I forgot to add the part about us not being able to sell our house, so we will have to rent it out before we can go anywhere.
Timing could be prefect because my uncle has just decided to move up here and needs a place to stay.
He is interested in taking our place on.
Timing would be perfect, If we decide to go.
If we don't, I think we will move out anyway, and into somewhere bigger so that we know we have a good tenant.
He is with my parents for now, but it can't last much longer than a couple of months.

NK2b1f2 Thu 14-Mar-13 18:52:49

As someone who has few living relatives, and those that are alive are abroad and very old, I'd say stay and make the most of having family. I also have two dc and never thought it would be so hard to be a good parent with absolutely no break whatsoever. And if you have found a good school for your two, even more reason to stay. From your post it sounds as if, were you to move, you would be a single parent for weeks at a time when you dh is away. That's hard without family and friends.
I can see why you feel trapped and your sister's attitude needs addressing, but I would stay.

NK2b1f2, I can see your point.
Sis is a PLB, it has always been easier on us older siblings to just keep schtum, life is easier that way.
I have just cut back dramatically on how much time I have to spend with her.

Over the last year, I have been working on putting some, self preservation, distance between myself and her, which is a shame to have to do, but it has really helped.
One meal a week with her, isn't too bad.

But it makes you wonder, why is it good to have them around when you actually try to steer clear as much as possible.
I have had a few people say just that, that it must be lovely to have family close, that they wish the did. But it's different when they have a habit of making you feel low.
My parents are helping out with her baby so much, child care three days a week (my dad recently retired) when I had to wait three years to have a date with my DH, which took place down by my PIL because none of my family were willing to babysit.
I manage on my own, less the two meals, up here. Don't I imagine it would be much different for me down there.

Not saying you are wrong, your point is valid, but . . . . . .

bigbadbarry Thu 14-Mar-13 19:13:07

I'd stay too and I say that as a born southerner who has lived in the north for 15 years but until fairly recently always thought I'd like to go back. I have no family close by and while I can imagine they are annoying, having nobody can be tough. This all rather depends where you mean by south though, I am assuming you mean southeast

NK2b1f2 Thu 14-Mar-13 19:15:55

Twinklingfairy grin Let's just say I'd rather move to Alaska than live anywhere near my sister... grin I am in fact rather cross that she has decided to visit my parents when I am there too over Easter. She is just too much hard work...

bigbadbarry Thu 14-Mar-13 19:48:34

Ok have read your latest post (cross posted). If they don't actually help at all, who not move where you can see your DH. Think carefully about where you move to though!

Well, just to add to matters, I could basically move anywhere! As long as DH has reasonably easy access to airports.
My big bro says why not come down to Cornwall?
Love him, so am quite tempted.
DH and I both loved the area when we visited him last year.
Though a visit and loving are totally different things!

I would love to go from the cold north, of Scotland, to warmer weather of Cornwall.
Bit concerned re schooling though, it's a totally different way down there isn't it?
More tests?
GCSEs sound blo0dy scary!!

Surely things like classes etc can be found in other areas?
Do I want to stay at home?
I think that the bit that gets me.
No I don't I never did, now I am frightened that it is the fear of leaving home that holds me again.
Or is it that I am so determined to leave home that I could actually throw these things away just so that I can assert my independence when in fact, these things are good and I should not throw them off for the sake of making some childish stand.
Confused some?
Me too!! smile

bigbadbarry Fri 15-Mar-13 09:20:25

What sort of relationship do your children have with their grandparents?

DD loves her Granny, they have quite a close relationship.
DD was my mums first daughters first baby, she said it was kinda more special for it to be her daughters baby, and close by, than her sons GF, who was far away. I think from the outset she had a closer connection to my DD? Does that seem a bad thing to say?Not a favourite as such, but kinda. I spent a LOT of time with her when DD was a baby. A month living with her when DD newborn because DH had to work away and I struggle with BF, mastitis etc.
It made sense at the time.
DS sometimes isn't quite so keen but really they both love their granny and grandad very much!

I didn't know my grandparents and always found them a bit scary. They weren't, it was just that I didn't know them.
But I think I also have a closer relationship to both sets of grandparents than my parents seem to have had to theirs.

iseenodust Fri 15-Mar-13 13:23:00

In trying to distance yourself from your sister you will do the same with your parents and your DC's grandparents. How would you feel say if one of your parents were seriously unwell? Would you want to be nearby to help?

Doyouthinktheysaurus Fri 15-Mar-13 13:29:07

I think I would stay but only you can really answer.

I live away from my family for which I am truly gratefulwink but that's only 2 and a half hours drive and my dses visit my parents regularly in the holidays. Being at the other end of the country is a bit different.

Also it's expensive down here. Property much more pricey.

The weather isn't all it's cracked up to be!

There is much less green space.

Cornwall is a nightmare in the summer with the tourists and what about when you dc's grow? Not much economy really in Cornwall apart from tourism. I do love Cornwall but I couldn't live there for those reasons.

I think I can see where you are coming from but the negativity is too much to take too often. I discovered I was just not strong enough, I have to keep my own sanity first.
So the distancing is essential.

If my parents took ill? Hmmm
Well, I know that Dsis would just jump straight in and take charge. I know my being around would help keep my mum sane. For all she says, don't upset your sister, I think it is partly to keep the peace for her as much as for the rest of us. Sis can wind my mum up as much as the rest of us, completely unwittingly.
I know that sis comes up when she knows I am there because I am like the buffer. Well, it certainly feels that way.
Although I think, with sis having her baby, their relationship is improving, sis doesn't spend much time with just mum preferring to be part of a group.
But at the same time if either parent were to get ill, they wouldn't really want us hovering around fussing. My mum would get irritated and nothing much stops my dad (he fell off his motorbike recently and, within a week, was claiming that he could probably play his fiddle again in a few days! The docs said a month! grin)

So, I am not sure.
Would I want to be near if they were seriously ill?
Probably, but that would be a bridge to cross when/if it arrived, not a reason to stop taking a chance, trying out other options.

sukiyaki Fri 15-Mar-13 13:34:16

I think I would go. If you're not going to sell your house (even if it is rather small), then you're not burning your boats if you decide your new location isn't for you after all. If you stay, having never intended to stay for so long, I think you'll always wonder whether you should've gone. Better to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Doyouthinktheysaurus I think it will be a move to the borders for now.
You are right and a RLF pointed out today about the tourists, I hadn't thought on that.

Feel the fear and do it anyway, haha, I like the sound of that.

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