can't help but resent the in laws- do I say something or shut up and put up?(10 Posts)
DH and I have been together 13 years married for 7. We have one DD and I'm having a DS next week by c sec. My parents are dead, We live 300 miles away from in laws so i don't expect much from them for this reason but we get pretty much nothing from them in terms of interest in our lives or support. They NEVER phone but occasionally email. We phone occasionally and I have in the past tried to phone ad hoc as "hi, how are you" but it was so stilted that it put me off. When we had DD 4 years ago, despite us making an effort to go see them more they never once fed her, changed her and would often turn down offers just to hold her, they would also fluster if you asked them to watch her for 10 minutes while we got washed/ dressed etc. They liked looking at her but that was about it and has been the case up until now when she is old enough to make them talk to and play with her. Now we're having DC2 and I can;t help but feel really angry and resentful that they don't want to engage with their grandchildren when my parents aren't here to have the opportunity. In addition to this I feel really miffed that at no point in this pregnancy (or the last) have they even asked how we're coping or if we need help including when I was in hospital in December with pneumonia. Compounding this is that having a section which I have to have means that I'll be non mobile for up to 6 weeks and we know that our DS will need to be in special care and have an operation after birth so how we'll manage that and a 4 year old is a little concerning but they haven;t even asked how we're planning to cope, let alone offered any help. Am I unreasonable to be fecked off,
Yup, I think YABU. They are who they are. You didn't marry DH for his parents. Your parents might have been more involved and helpful, but that's no reason why you should be angry that his aren't.
So sorry you are going through this. We've had the same with my in-laws, and now the kids are 6 and 4 respectively, the situation hasn't changed one bit. They were dis-interested before and remained so, for all those years. I felt angry after having my second, because they can't get the time back.
However, I soon realised that I was only hurting myself and had to let it go. They're never going to change. It's not easy for you to accept though. Stay strong, ignore, ignore, ignore and enjoy your little unit.
How would they respond if your DH were to call them, explain your needs around the time of the birth and ask if they would be able to help you out?
It's frustrating, and rather sad that they are so back seat, are they reserved and think they are not needed or something?
I read this yesterday and meant to respond. YANBU in feeling the way you do. My mil is similar, it use to upset me but I now accept that is how she is. I did try to change her but realised that it is not possible to change how people are. We are all different. Would they help if asked? Test the water, if they then don't bother, it is their loss I'm afraid.
I used to feel hurt and frustrated by my PIL's lack of interest in their grandchildren and their total lack of any type of support for us when we had DC2 who has additional needs.
I'm no longer so bothered. DH has stated (to me) that he has 'banked' their lack of interest and support and will act accordingly when they are older and frail. I've found that very liberating, even though I would love someone to share the joy and fun of my children with.
Maybe it would be helpful to you to realise that although you are on your own now, at least you needn't be burdened with their care later.
I think you just need to stop thinking about it and move on . Your husband obviously does not have a close relationship with his parents ,for whatever reason,so its probably nothing personal about you or your child. Your Inlaws cannot be held responsible for you not having parents , sad as it is that is just life . They live quite far from you so unless they're going to offer to come and stay what do you expect ,and perhaps because you live so far they just feel unattached . FWIW , its them that lose out in the long run ,your children will not miss what they never had. I hope it all goes well with your forthcoming arrival.
It's hard that they're not interested, and hard to know your dcs won't have loving grandparents.
You can be sad about that, but you can't change them.
You could also be grateful that they aren't pretending to be interested. A lot of us have parents/ILS who only want to look at and shop for their dcs. They want photos of them, they want to see themselves as wonderful grandparents and boast to their friends about their gcs. But they don't want to talk to their gcs, or play with them, or ever look after them in any tiny way. They demand lots of visits, all of which must involve no effort at all on their part. They complain if they don't get to view their gcs often enough. They complain when their gcs are bored during the visits and obviously not excited about seeing their gps. With those kind of ILs you'd be putting loads of effort in for the same result as you get now (no relationship between GPs and GCs).
Grieve for what you're not going to have, move on, and enjoy that they're not hassling you.
I'd just be thankful that they aren't intending to be on your doorstep day of the birth. Its a shame for your kids but at least they are not interfering and horrible. Perhaps there are some older people locally who would like to be stand in grandparents for your kids?
Just to say I had a planned section last summer, I was out of bed that night, home the next day, off painkillers at day .5 and driving by one week. You certainly don't need to be immobile for six weeks. A bout of mastitis was much worse than the section recovery!
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