Do I tell my friend that her ex has got engaged?

(23 Posts)
DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:10:05

In a tricky situation. One if my best friends used to date my cousin for about 5 years and in fact they were engaged (she asked him) for about a year before he ran off with one of her friends. Of course she was devastated, but 3 years on she is moving on and is getting pretty serious with a new guy.

I found out on Boxing Day that my cousin asked this girl to marry him on Xmas day. I called my friend today, I wanted to see how she is and assumed she would know as they still have mutual friends and I thought the news would have got to her somehow. But she didn't mention it, and she told me she is just about to set off on a 4 hour car journey back to where she is living now. So I wimped out of telling her.

I know when I found out about my ex getting engaged, and later married, on both occasions I was devastated even though I had initiated the split, and I was in a massive state of shock and don't think I could have coped with a long car journey immediately after hearing the news . However I would be gutted if I felt that one of my friends was keeping something like this from me. And she struggled a lot with the deceit after her break up as several if her "friends" (different circle to ours) knew about the cheating that was going on.

What do I do?! Even if I wait til she gets back, she is going straight to see her new boyfriend, so that willbe weird, if she is upset she mayn't feel able to show it to him.

She is a lovely girl and I hate this whole situation sad.

Please help!

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:11:23

And I don't think I willbe able to pretend I didn't know as it is my cousin after all...sad

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:13:18

Part of me is thinking I should tell her now while she has her mum and all around her...

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:16:19

Please help, I am in a 2 and 8!

Bump!

lubeybooby Fri 28-Dec-12 10:17:39

Don't say anything, stop fretting! There's no need to say anything at all

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:18:41

Ok. Wouldn't you be upset though if your ex got engaged and all your friends knew but didn't tell you?

CluffyDude Fri 28-Dec-12 10:20:20

I would tell her ASAP.

You never know, she might not care at all.

I wouldn't care if my ex was getting married.

She will know you know so I think you have no choice tbh.

CluffyDude Fri 28-Dec-12 10:23:54

I never get why people keep stuff from their friends.

Whe my ex cheated on me I was devastated by his betrail, but when I found out that friends of mine knew I was shock angry

What are friends for?

lubeybooby Fri 28-Dec-12 10:23:54

No I wouldn't be bothered at all.

I would be bothered by people being eager to tell me though. Something not quite right about it. Like rubbing it in? I'd really rather no one bothered.

CluffyDude Fri 28-Dec-12 10:28:06

If they seemed to be getting off on the drama, then that's different and not very friend like behaviour.

Op I don't know now.
Maybe move house with no forwarding address? <helpful>

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:33:38

That's it lubey, I really don't want to be the bearer of that bad news and certainly don't want to rub her face in it. I would rather she never had to see or hear of either of them ever again, but unfortunately they have mutual friends that will be going to the wedding etc, as will I probably, so someone is going to have to tell her at some point unless there is a massive conspiracy which would be equally wrong. And I am not intentionally keeping things from her either, I just thought before a big drive may be the wrong time to hear. I did care when my ex got married, I was gutted. Really stuck.

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:36:30

This al happened on Xmas day, I found out on Boxing Day, so I have given it a couple of days and then rang her just to see how she was as I assumed she'd know as it is all I've facebook (fucking Facebook, how I found out my ex was married!). Didn't expect to be put in the position where I may have to mention it, and as I said I wimped out spectacularly! blush

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 10:49:05

Just tried calling her, but went to voicemail, probably wondering why I'm calling again! So left a message seeing if she wanted to pop in here for a cuppa on her way through, which dp was not pleased about, he doesn't do emotions, think he'll be popping out and leaving us to it. sad

I think you are making it into a drama that it doesn't need to be. She maybe does know and didn't feel the need to go on about it because they split 3 years ago and she has moved on. I wouldn't go out of my way to mention it at all but may mention it next time I saw her.

DrRanj Fri 28-Dec-12 11:02:12

Ok fine, I will leave it as that is actually want I really want to do as actually I hate drama and confrontation, I just felt wriggling out of it perhaps was the easy way out for me. It's just me and her split from our exes at around the sane time and supported eachother in the early days, and when I found out my ex was engaged I was gutted. I will leave it for now. I called her to see how she was rather than just avoiding her as this is equally as horrible, but she seems fine so I'llleave it there for now. I just hope she doesn't feel betrayed when she works out I knew but didn't say anything. sad

Emmielu Fri 28-Dec-12 14:28:50

He's an ex for a reason. Why tell her when it's not her business?

Just leave a voice mail, Mrs Dramarama wink

Say he's engaged and tell her you're flapping and stressing about whether to tell her so you have & can now sleep at night! It'll probably amuse her how stressed you are....grin

Btw I think you are a good friend but way overthinking grin

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 28-Dec-12 15:25:11

I would not tell her and if in the future she says anything just say you assumed she wouldn't want to know or care because he treated hef so badly and because she's moved on and is happy with someone else now

Celticlassie Fri 28-Dec-12 15:30:45

I would definitely tell her - if it was me I'd want to know, and I'd want you to tell me rather than seeing it on Facebook or someone I wasn't as close to mentioning it in passing.

To those saying if she's got someone else she'll not be bothered, if they were serious, it'll probably still cause a pang, as it always does when an ex hits a milestone like that, especially if you yourself haven't got to that stage.

If she's not upset, or doesn't care, you having told her isn't going to upset her any more.

Emmielu Fri 28-Dec-12 15:59:58

My ex got married last month. I found out via his wife. Do I care? Nope. Hes her problem now. I only want him when he's prepared to be responsible for his dd.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 16:16:50

Tell her but being it up casually - dont phone her just to "break" this news.

zingally Mon 14-Jan-13 14:33:30

Personally, I think this falls into the realm of "none of your business".

RosyRoo Mon 14-Jan-13 14:41:55

I would rather someone told me. Nobody told me about my ex getting engaged. I found out by seeing the ring on her finger at another wedding. I was a bit pissed off about it. It wasn't a nice way to find out, and I just felt like people had been keeping something from me. If it was any other mutual acquaintance who had got engaged it would have been mentioned, I'm sure.

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