Cheating on your partner. Views please. :)

(17 Posts)
waltermittymistletoe Wed 05-Dec-12 21:26:40

Well wrt cheating in a marriage the polygraph is a bit of a red herring because he's been trained to beat it!

The thing is: when his wife was sleeping with the fabulous captain, she thought she was a widow.

When he slept with Carrie, he knew he was in a committed relationship with his wife!

GreatCongas Wed 05-Dec-12 20:59:44

I don't think she cheated. 8 years is a long time, she presumably had moved on.
I'm bit so sure about him. If she's moved on then presumably he's single anyway
I haven't seen it though ( have it lined up) so would need to know more

OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 05-Dec-12 20:44:56

hi there
We are going to move this thread to our What would you do? topic
Thanks
MNHQ

mumof4sons Wed 05-Dec-12 17:16:05

I would say that my exH cheated on me because he deliberately set out to begin a relationship with someone else while I still thought we were in a loving committed marriage.

I however don't feel that I cheated on him because we had been separated a year and divorce proceeding started when I met and started a physical relationship with a new partner. There was no subterfuge on my part.

And it's stupid to go and sleep with someone else just becaus you have found out your partner has cheated on you. Cutting off your nose to spite your face and all that...

If your marriage is over as the result of cheating though, and you then meet someone else and sleep with them befoer your divorce has come through, thatisn't cheating because the marriage is already over.

MirandaWest Wed 05-Dec-12 16:55:22

As someone's whose XH cheated on them, I do find the smile at the end of the title a little at odds with the subject of cheating, but can see you didn't mean it to be hurtful. I would agree this might be better placed in a different topic.

She wasn't cheating on him though, he was MIA for 8 years! He was cheating though.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 05-Dec-12 16:52:42

Not offended QuietTiger, just trying to be sensitive to other posters in Relationships.

EdithWeston Wed 05-Dec-12 16:49:26

The polygraph isn't totally reliable.

It does not show if you are lying: it shows certain physiological responses which are commonly associated with lying. If you are in a heightened state of emotion you will "fail" every question, if you have "closed down" you may pass them all.

The bottom line is that, assuming you are in a relationship where monogamy has been promised, affairs are wrong. Revenge affairs are still affairs.

QuietTiger Wed 05-Dec-12 16:42:37

Acidturkishbath Ethics of cheating, rather than the program Homeland. Hence, I've put it in relationships.

I should have just asked the question,

"if your partner cheated on you by having an affair and you found out, then you slept with someone else, are you in fact cheating on your partner, or is it OK to sleep with someone else?"

The reason I mentioned Homeland, is that supposedly, a Polygraph (lie detector) test shows if you are lying, after all, Jeremy Kyle uses it all the time for this very thing... and the answer given was "No, I haven't cheated on my wife" when he had blatantly slept with someone else.

I'm sorry if I've offended, I'll ask MN HQ to move the thread.

NettleTea Wed 05-Dec-12 16:03:43

and also a smily after the title thread may be a little insensitive to what many posters are going through atm......
Try chat

waltermittymistletoe Wed 05-Dec-12 16:03:12

I assumed you meant the general topic of whether it was cheating or not?

Which is why I said, IMO, he cheated. She didn't.

AcidTurkishBath Wed 05-Dec-12 16:01:52

Are you asking about the storyline of Homeland or about the ethics of cheating?

In the context of Homeland, I'm sure that it was supposed to show us that he could have been lying when answering the other questions.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 05-Dec-12 15:57:08

Umm perhaps not one for relationships. Have you read the other posts on here? Try Television or something like that.

quietlysuggests Wed 05-Dec-12 15:48:09

I think also that this question is better placed in wherever Homeland is being discussed.
Its simply that he has been trained to fake the test.
I dont see the big dilemma for you...

waltermittymistletoe Wed 05-Dec-12 15:45:14

Hmm I think he passed the lie detector because he was trained by Nazir (sp) to pass it.

I don't think she was cheating because she thought he was dead and it had been 8 years! But he was definitely cheating!

I think that's supposed to be the case so we could know he could lie on the lie detector, no?

QuietTiger Wed 05-Dec-12 15:27:35

Not about me or DH grin, but the result of a conversation DH and I had last night which raised some interesting ideas.

DH & I have started watching the series "Homeland". For those who haven't seen it, the (very) basic premise, is that a US marine soldier is found after being a terrorist POW captive for 8 years. He goes back to the USA and a female CIA officer believes that he has been turned by the terrorists into a double agent and is plotting a terror attack on the USA. Through one thing and another (long complicated plot), the soldier is put into a situation where he has to have a CIA lie detector test.

Now, whilst this soldier was away missing in action, his wife was sleeping with his best friend back in the USA. The day before the soldier is due to have the lie detector test, he finds out his wife has been sleeping with his best friend for the 8 years he is away. Through one thing and another as a result of finding out about the "affair", the soldier ends up getting drunk and shagging the female CIA officer the night before he takes the lie detector test. (i.e. the night he found out his wife was shagging his best friend).

At the lie detector test, the soldier is asked whether or not he has cheated on his wife. He says "No". The lie detector says he is telling the truth as his heart rate didn't rise.

My argument was that he could answer "No" as the truth in the lie detector test, because in his mind he wasn't cheating (not my personal view, BTW), because his wife had broken his marriage vows by shagging someone else first, therefore it was "OK" for him to do it because they didn't have a marriage - she'd cheated.

My DH says that yes he did cheat, because he was still married and regardless of the fact his wife had shagged someone else, he was married and you don't "cheat" on your partner and the lie detector test was wrong - he'd found a way of managing to answer the question without the heart rate raising.

Obviously, this whole question is central to the plot of the series, because it throws doubt on all the other questions asked in the lie detector test and hence the storyline/plot IYSWIM, but as question, what do the collective of MN think?

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