Friend wants money from me today for lodging costs.

(144 Posts)
Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 17:39:02

I had a fight with my partner 4 weeks ago and rung my friend saying we'd split up for good. She told me I could stay with them, wouldn't take no for an answer, and she picked me up from my house. I have known her 3 years, but her husband is my ex from years ago, so I have known him a long time and we have stayed friends (nothing more!!!!) - he said he would not see me go without or suffer and i could stay there as long as it took to get sorted. She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess?? She told me to tell my ex partner i was staying there paying £25pw to stop him taking all the money from the joint account. I have chipped in to buy some food, cat food, fags, beer and a £10 bill they needed paying. I have used the shower and put some clothes in to wash when they did, used their wireless broadband, socket to charge my phone up every couple of days and used the kettle to make cups of tea. I have been going back to my house nearly every day to wash other clothes, cook food and use the shower.
Everything has been fine until she suddenly started being funny with me about 2 weeks ago and he was barely talking to me - I asked him if I'd done something wrong and he said no. I only thought I would be there for a couple of weeks but am having loads of trouble finding a new place to live - my alternative was to go home to a bad situation, which is not what I wanted, or go to a refuge miles away and I wouldn't be able to see my kids or go to work as I have no transport. He wrote me a note and left it for me on Thursday morning saying they wanted me out by Friday (last night) and they want £200 for services used/lodging money - they did not put a date they wanted it by. I asked why he couldn't talk to me about it and he said it was easier to write a note. I left Thursday morning after saying I would probably ring him today to sort out dropping money off (I didn't say how much though) and have now had a text from him today asking what time to expect the money as it is "due today". I don't have £200 spare as it would mean taking money from what I need to get a new house (advance rent) and I have no other savings, only enough in the bank left over for food etc till payday at the end of the month. He thinks I am abusing his trust now by not intending to pay - I have just text back saying no I'm not - I can pay in bits but not all at once. She has not text or spoken to me whatsoever - neither of them have asked if I am all right and if I have a roof over my head now / in the refuge etc. I would not have got through the last month if they hadn't taken me in and supported me through the split, but what do I do now????

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 01:38:08

it's just that everytime you post the story seems to change. of course it was wrong of him to block your exit and no doubt you were terrified but why on earth were you saying there was violence? people would still have supported you leaving if you had said you thought he was going to get violent and that you were intimidated. you have gotten a bit of a kicking on this thread for supposedly leaving your children with a violent man. i cant be sure but i'd say people would not have been so harsh if they knew he wasn't actually violent. why didn't you just say what actually happened?

MikeLitoris Mon 05-Nov-12 08:29:04

no one has said he was in the right, if you felt scared or threatened at any time then you were right to either leave or make him leave.

leaving your dc there is where you lose sympathy from me.

saying you spend all your time there, except for sleeping, and that you have worked through your differences is where you lose more sympathy from me. if this is the case then I can 100% see why your mates where pissed with you.

why should they put you up rent free when you have a home?

MrsDeVere Mon 05-Nov-12 08:41:58

Op
Whatever the ins and outs of the
It is an awful lot to expect someone to provide you with board and lodging for free for 4 weeks.

A gesture would have been nice. Did you help around the house or buy food etc?

Friendships can turn sour when someone feels they are being taken advantage of

allnewtaketwo Mon 05-Nov-12 09:15:37

In the case if both situations, your story is quite unclear. For example the nature of the violence, which you have been very sketchy about, leaving people confused as to whether he was violent or not. Also the payment for board-to me, as to others, it seems that there was an expectation of £65 per week, and now they're being quite reasonable in asking for £200 for 4 weeks, after you not paying anything.

On the face of it, it's not actually clear that any of them have done much wrong. I still don't know whether you partner shouted, blocked your exit, or what. You're refusing to be specific, which makes me wonder whether he actually did anything worthy of you leaving your kids for confused

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 10:02:09

I don't think the op really knows what happened, either!

Look, if you had genuinely fled and had nowhere to go then your friends would be in the wrong IMO.

But you go HOME every single day. You're on speaking terms with your ex. You've "sorted the bad stuff out". You own the house.

It seems like you ARE taking the piss, expecting them to put you up for free when it's not really necessary. But I'm only reaching this conclusion because you've been all over the place in your explanation so I'm totally confused!

Charlene1 Mon 05-Nov-12 20:25:36

boo - i'm not changing story, i am just sick of people having a go and twisting things when it's not relevant to what i asked for help with and making me feel worse.
mike - i couldn't stay there - once the kids were in bed it would have been just me and him and he was constantly pressuring me amongst other things, and I couldn't take it, I would have cracked up.
MrsDevere - I never expected anything for free - I was like a zombie for at least the first week and a complete mess. I helped when i could - i offered to help with cleaning but was told it wasn't necessary, i paid for things when needed.
allnew - there was never any expectation of £65pw - that is the average cost I saw advertised for a bedsit/houseshare - it was never discussed. No one needs to know what my ex did and said, certainly not on here, it's no one else's business, but yes, it was very "worthy" of leaving him - I didn't leave my kids, how many more times do i have to say that!
walter - it was necessary, not taking the piss, not expecting anything for free - they told me not to go back to him and to stay there, knowing full well I had no money! I had to go home to see my kids as they weren't with me - I wasn't going to stay away from them!!

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 20:51:58

of course its all relevant! you want us to say "oh no, you poor thing!" but, its all relevant. I'd be pissed off if my friend fled from a supposedly violent relationship, and left their kids there. (and you did leave them, you said it yourself)

I stand by my initial assessment, you sound like a spoilt, selfish kid.

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 20:59:59

i agree i do think it's relevant. very relevant if infact you told your friends the same as you told us and then kept avoiding answering what he actually did. if they thought they were helping a friend fleeing violence and then found out there wasn't actually any violence then they may feel you were taking advantage which could explain why they suddenly went cold with you and decided to charge you rent as it turned out you could infact go back home (which you were doing) . of course you dont have to explain yourself to us, but equally, you cant expect people to fully support you if they dont know what they are supporting.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:01:52

boo, yep, yep, yep.

you cant tell half a story and expect answers.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 05-Nov-12 21:16:20

fwiw, i havent had a dig at you at all, doing what you did is something i come across rather a lot however it does not change the fact that it was an incredably stupid action.

however by returning hopefully you can rectify it.

might i surgest you do not leave the children in his care in the house in your absence over night again. the last thing you need is for him to be able to claim he is the pwc and obtain residency based on that.

secondly and im shocked you havent been told this, should he become aggressive towards you again you can call 999 he does not have to punch you before you can, the police can obtain a short term order and/or bail conditions prohibiting him from coming back to the house.

should he be convicted of any offence that occured during a domestic incident the cps can apply for a protection order again at no expence to you.

and legal aid is still availible for cases involving domestic violence however, if you cannot get legal aid and really cannot afford a solisiter you can apply to the court yourself all you need is the court fee unless you are the type of person who goes to pieces or clams up under presure if it comes to it you can obtain an occupation order to remove him by yourself.

to those to stupid to understand you dont have to be punched to be experancing domestic violence.

pushing shoving preventing a person from leaving, intimidating screaming in a persons face breaking things restricting movements using fear to control is domestic violence. i have lost count of the amount of abusers who justify there behaviour by saying things like "but i never actually hit him/her"

putting a person in fear of violence even if you dont actually strike them is assult and as such is domestic violence.

Charlene1 Mon 05-Nov-12 21:17:52

Blame/Boo - no, i don't want people to feel sorry for me, i wanted help about the money - my friends knew everything that had happened that night and lots of stuff that's happened to me before - which I say again does not need to be detailed on here - if you want to think i am a "spoilt selfish kid" for being pushed to breaking point and getting out of a life of hell then fine, you think that - but I hope it never happens to you, as you have obviously had a perfect life and not been in a violent and abusive situation - and it WAS at the time, nor felt so desperate that you had no option but to get out and not go back. Try reading on other boards what other women go through with their partners, some left because of a lot less, most a lot more, but you would probably sneer at them as well! For christ's sake, my friend told me to stay with them as long as i needed to, and not go back, and I couldn't have my kids with me!!
They know everything about me and knew what I was having to face by going back every day to see my kids!!
Please stop posting comments like that on this thread, as you are upsetting me, and I don't need it - this is supposed to be a support board, not an excuse to kick someone even more.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:18:57

sock, absolutely. dv comes in many shapes and sizes. but they op has been v cagey and left the kids in his care those arent the actions of someone who is scared of their partner.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:22:49

actually, I've been here for y6 years, and wouldnt dream of sneering at someone experiencing dv. you know nothing about me or my life. my dad and sd were both very violent, abusive bullies. I called the police 4 times and left home, taking my brothers with me. because I would not leave children in the care of a violent bully. dont presume, love, you know fuck all.

grow up, you have been dripfeeding and evasive.

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 21:29:14

" but I hope it never happens to you, as you have obviously had a perfect life and not been in a violent and abusive situation "

wrong. i have been punched, raped, had a screwdriver thrown at my face when pregnant and lots more. i dont wish to minimise what happened to you. and i believe you were in fear and that you thought he was going to hurt you.

my problem with this thread is that when asked if tehre was violence you said yes, then you suffered an huge onslaught of posters 'losing sympathy for you' and even doubting you because you left your dcs with a violent man, however you have then become really sketchy about what actually happened. people cannot possibly respond to your question about what you should or shouldn't pay your friends because no-one actually knows what happened. and you cant really blame people for thinking your friends were just as confused as we are. again, i dont want to you go into detail. but you could have saved alot of this silliness if you had just said at the start, "no he wasn't violent, i thought he was going to be so i left" IF that is the case, to be quite honest i still cant tell whether he was or wasn't.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 05-Nov-12 21:29:22

you would probally be extreamly surprised at the amount of mothers who do leave there children in the care of a abusive ex because they have not been able to take them and they belive they cant get help to get them back or do not know there options especially when the abuse is not directly punching or they belive the dc's will not be harmed.or have given into pressure from the other parent.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:33:54

sock, maybe, but I cant imagine doing it. nor have any of my friends. its not just that, the op has been incredibly evasive and insists that background isnt relevant.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:34:44

anyway, I'm leaving this thread now.

op, good luck.

allnewtaketwo Mon 05-Nov-12 21:56:26

So maybe its a complete coincidence that your friends are pissed off with you, and that on here people are doubting your sketchy confused stories?

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