Friend wants money from me today for lodging costs.

(144 Posts)
Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 17:39:02

I had a fight with my partner 4 weeks ago and rung my friend saying we'd split up for good. She told me I could stay with them, wouldn't take no for an answer, and she picked me up from my house. I have known her 3 years, but her husband is my ex from years ago, so I have known him a long time and we have stayed friends (nothing more!!!!) - he said he would not see me go without or suffer and i could stay there as long as it took to get sorted. She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess?? She told me to tell my ex partner i was staying there paying £25pw to stop him taking all the money from the joint account. I have chipped in to buy some food, cat food, fags, beer and a £10 bill they needed paying. I have used the shower and put some clothes in to wash when they did, used their wireless broadband, socket to charge my phone up every couple of days and used the kettle to make cups of tea. I have been going back to my house nearly every day to wash other clothes, cook food and use the shower.
Everything has been fine until she suddenly started being funny with me about 2 weeks ago and he was barely talking to me - I asked him if I'd done something wrong and he said no. I only thought I would be there for a couple of weeks but am having loads of trouble finding a new place to live - my alternative was to go home to a bad situation, which is not what I wanted, or go to a refuge miles away and I wouldn't be able to see my kids or go to work as I have no transport. He wrote me a note and left it for me on Thursday morning saying they wanted me out by Friday (last night) and they want £200 for services used/lodging money - they did not put a date they wanted it by. I asked why he couldn't talk to me about it and he said it was easier to write a note. I left Thursday morning after saying I would probably ring him today to sort out dropping money off (I didn't say how much though) and have now had a text from him today asking what time to expect the money as it is "due today". I don't have £200 spare as it would mean taking money from what I need to get a new house (advance rent) and I have no other savings, only enough in the bank left over for food etc till payday at the end of the month. He thinks I am abusing his trust now by not intending to pay - I have just text back saying no I'm not - I can pay in bits but not all at once. She has not text or spoken to me whatsoever - neither of them have asked if I am all right and if I have a roof over my head now / in the refuge etc. I would not have got through the last month if they hadn't taken me in and supported me through the split, but what do I do now????

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 18:16:06

anyone?? urgent advice needed please!!! sad

Tbh I'd tell them to feck off

They offered, you accepted, nothing was set in writing about contributions etc and they are being unreasonable

I would just say that you will pay even though it hasn't been agreed but you will have to do it when you have the money. If they don't like it tough! What exactly will they do if you don't pay today? What odd behaviour from them. Concentrate on getting yourself sorted and then decide how much to pay and when. Where are you staying now?

colditz Sat 03-Nov-12 18:21:33

I really don't know. Have y had a physical fight with your partner? Why can't y go home?

StrangeGlue Sat 03-Nov-12 18:22:34

Oh op how upsetting! Are you okay and do you have somewhere safe to stay?

You don't have the money and that is that. Their bizarre attitude is upsetting but right now you have bigger fish to fry. Ignore them and come back to thinking about it when you are more sorted.

Paintbynumbers Sat 03-Nov-12 18:23:54

Very odd behaviour from them.

To be honest, I wouldn't pay. Just say you need the money for a deposit.

Obviously you wouldn't do this to proper friends but given they have kicked you out in such a spineless manner, I would look after yourself.

bunjies Sat 03-Nov-12 18:26:28

They sound delightful. I would tell them you feel you have contributed to the household expenses as much as you needed to and that you cannot afford £200. Maybe offer half which is the £25pw they mentioned at the beginning. If they insist on £200 then I would suggest you cut these people out of your life. I echo QuietNinja in asking what are they going to do if you can't pay?

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 21:00:33

thanks - yes, ok for a few days, staying with another mate who knows whats happened and will not treat me like that - yes it was violent at home, that's why I'm not going back. I've not had a reply to my text, I just feel sick waiting. sad

cece Sat 03-Nov-12 21:46:18

Can't you go to a woman's refugee?

I would not pay them. Or at least not the whole amount. Say you can afford £5 (or whatever) a week and leave it at that. TBH I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway if they treat you like that.

trixymalixy Sat 03-Nov-12 21:50:08

I wouldn't pay either. I would just tell them you don't have the money. Hope you are safe sad

When costs were mentioned the figure of £65 was given, but they said to tell your ex you were paying £25, which I read as that wasn't what you would actually be paying? So were you all agreed it would be £65 a week?

How have you got to staying with them for 4 weeks and not said "hey, I really ought to give you something towards the bills".

LadyMaryCreepyCrawley Sat 03-Nov-12 21:55:03

£200 after 4 weeks is £50 a week, so less than the £65 you agreed to:

"She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess??"

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 03-Nov-12 21:57:16

Where are your kids??

sausagesandwich34 Sat 03-Nov-12 22:33:10

if he's your ex do you think she maybe got jealous?

just a thought

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:01:21

cece - the refuge is miles away - i can't afford it, nor get back to see my kids and go to work as i can't drive and public transport wouldn't be an option.
YourHand - no, you have read wrong - she said to "tell him £25 even though I wasn't paying anything" - her exact words - so she never asked me to contribute a set amount, it was a suggestion so he wouldn't take that out of the account if he thought I was having to pay rent - she told me to block his card and take it all out for myself. I am guessing that £65 would be a third of rent and bills for a permanent lodger - not someone who had just left home with nothing and couldn't afford to pay anything at the time!!! I asked if they needed any money and they said no - i just contributed by food etc as explained in my original post - I didn't have spare money as I still have the bills to pay on my own house and food for my kids as they stayed with my ex at my house (Chipping!) - I couldn't take them with me, my friend wouldn't have them and they were better off at home than sleeping on a floor in a strange house!!
Lady Mary - the whole point is - no money amount was agreed!! I never thought I would be there more than a couple of weeks at the most!!
Yes, she is jealous although she has absolutely no need to be!!!

cece Sat 03-Nov-12 23:06:47

Can't you take your kids with you to a refuge? i thought you could? Where are they? Surely you haven't left them with your violent DP?

lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:07:16

From what you have written you have lived there for four weeks, used their hot water, washing machine, food and drink ect all rent free.
I think they are likely angry as it sounded like you should have offered more.
Where are the kids??

Flojo1979 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:09:17

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lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:11:01

So you work fulltime but couldn't pay towards any bills and you left your kids with your violent ex!

Why didnt you take your dcs and go with them to a refuge?

Cant imagine leaving my child in that environment and yes I have been in the same situation myself. I got out with my child.

difficultpickle Sat 03-Nov-12 23:13:58

Maybe they thought your stay would be temporary. 4 weeks is a long time especially if they cannot see you doing anything to actively resolve where you live. I'm another one who is rather hmm at leaving your dcs with someone you had a fight with.

nancy75 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:15:13

They probably offered thinking that you would be there for a few days, not a month with no leaving date in sight. Like others I am surprised you would leave your children with a violent partner

Fairylea Sat 03-Nov-12 23:18:00

Go and get your kids and go to a refuge. From a legal point of view your exes solicitor would have a field day that youleft them there ("how can she say I'm violent and then leave the children with me" ...you can hear it now).

You also need to take them to show to social services that you are protecting them from violence and that includes witnessing it. Otherwise they will say you are an unfit mother. Harsh but that is what they will say. Be very careful.

Fairylea Sat 03-Nov-12 23:21:49

If the refuge is miles away then you quit your job, manage on benefits and relocate with your children and then apply for local jobs. That is what I had to do.

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