just found out DH is a transvestite.(28 Posts)
Think the title says it all really.
He just blurted it out whilst I was cooking tea, He says that he doesn't want the op, but is completely gender confused.
This has come completely out of the blue for me, How on earth did I not know I feel so stupid. We have been married for 11 years and have been ttc for quite some time now.
He says he doesn't want to lie any more and wants to be free to express his feminine side.
I don't know if I could ever be comfortable with that but have no family where we live so would lose my friends, job, home dog etc......
I feel numb and don't know what to do.
During my teenage years and early 20's I frequently wore womens underwear beneath my outer clothes and occasionally went out dressed up as a woman. I don't really know why, other than I used to enjoy it. The desire to do this gradually diminished. I told my wife before we married, she was not sympathetic but I was able to suppress my feelings so that it has not been an issue between us. I still occasionally feel inclined to cross-dress.
I have often wondered why women find it so awful. I gather that it's not uncommon for men to want to do this, but very rare for one to actually admit it.
Trouble with the Beaumont Society is that they are geared more for Transexuals than Transvestites. My partner is a Transvestite, He/she likes to dress, look and emulate being a woman, for him/her its escapism from a very stressful life/high powered job and family commitments (you can't get much further away from that demanding male role than being a female after all can you)? It also allows him 'and me to a certain extent' to explore that artistic side to his nature.
Did you know that there is a vast difference between Transexuals and Transvestites? The myths surrounding Transvestites are ridiculous, over 50% of men experiment with female clothing for a variety of reasons. Most are not gay because they do it either, most Transvestites do not actually want to be women, are straight and do like their male mode too. I feel its wrong to lump all Trans in the same box.
Admittedly when I first found out I was gutted (he never lied to me though, I was told right at the beginning of the relationship). We had a rocky time, mainly because of my stupidity and beliefs. I was convinced he would go seeking male attention when dressed, that never happened. I was worried that when it came to going out and socialising that I would be the one feeling left out because all socialising with him as a woman would be with other TV's, that never happened, they are lovely and love the fact that a woman not only accepts but helps them (I now have a thriving business offering TV makeovers).
I hated the way he looked at himself in the mirror when dressed (especially his legs because they are better than mine) and got upset because I wanted him to look at me that way.
I hated the fact that he looked like some morose drag queen with all that badly applied lippy and thick lines drawn across the eyebrows. I hated it when he used my hairbrushes or left knickers on the floor for me to pick up (no real woman would do that). I hated it when he sat watching war films and car restoration programs whilst sitting in 7" heels and a mini skirt. If he's going to be a woman he should do it properly and watch Eastenders without moaning right? Its not right he gets all the nice bits to being a woman, but doesn't get to use the iron or mop, so I put paid to that one pretty quick and bought him a maids outfit and some pink Marigolds, that worked a treat.
I had visions of me having to put bricks in my own handbag to fend off Tranny bashers when out, nobody even glances our way.
Worst of all was putting my hands down a pair of knickers in bed, it made me question my own sexuality.
But do you know what. After time he started to look and behave like a real woman while dressed and I discovered that I actually like that woman and do forget its a man in a dress. Also dressed or undressed (in drab as they call it) I still fancy him rotten, and what's more, the more I've encouraged him to do it, the less he seems to want to do it.
These days its me running round town with his TV mates, shopping, clubbing and so forth, while he isn't as interested and got his head stuck under a car bonnet very much in male mode.
I know its wrong for them to lie and deceive, but after spending so many years with them, I have come to learn that most have to try and understand it themselves before they force it on their loved ones, so I advise them to do this now rather than come clean. I also advise them to make sure they have all the relevant information to hand I.E support forums, questions and answers for their partners when they do come clean, that way a SO isn't beating themselves up trying to understand it all. You can't ask them to explain it or talk about it if they don't understand it themselves.
It really doesn't have to be such a big deal if you stop over thinking things and put your boundaries in place. My partner is not allowed more wardrobe space than me or a bigger spending budget when it comes to clothes (and that includes his male clothes), I'm making sacrifices for him, so he must do the same for me.
Also it might be worth noting that a lot of Tranvestites when tested are found to have hormone imbalances, for some it creeps up on them in later years when their Testosterone levels naturally drop, which is why men in long marriages find themselves in this predicament. They are fully aware that their partners will be hurt by it, laugh at them (Its a gormless man in a dress! Do you really think they don't see that themselves), they are ashamed of themselves and some hate themselves for it. They have huge guilt complexes, buy fem stuff, then burn or dispose of it (Purging), but they ALWAYS go back to it.
Asking them to stop is as bad as asking you not to talk again and cruel IMHO. Having spent so much time with TV's that are out I can truly say I think they are the strongest and bravest people I know and deserve all my admiration. If they come out to you, try to understand how hard that is for them, I know your feeling hurt but they are too and by having the strength to come out to you, they are actually reaching out to you, so don't laugh at that funny looking drag queen stood in front of you. Hold their hand and show them how to do it properly.
The best advice I can give to a partner is research, research and keep researching, at least then you can make an informed decision with regards to your future and living with a TV. Oh and please don't always assume he wants to be a woman full stop or has been hiding gay tendencies, because the vast majority do not and are not. Those are Transexuals not Transvestites!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.