just found out DH is a transvestite.

(28 Posts)
DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 21:22:06

Think the title says it all really.
He just blurted it out whilst I was cooking tea, He says that he doesn't want the op, but is completely gender confused.
This has come completely out of the blue for me, How on earth did I not know I feel so stupid. We have been married for 11 years and have been ttc for quite some time now.
He says he doesn't want to lie any more and wants to be free to express his feminine side.
I don't know if I could ever be comfortable with that but have no family where we live so would lose my friends, job, home dog etc......
I feel numb and don't know what to do.

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks Tue 31-Jul-12 21:25:41

Ok firstly, why would you lose your friends/job/dog etc?

Does he want to do it in private or more public?

And have a wine .

Wowserz129 Tue 31-Jul-12 21:26:57

What a bombshell! I completely understand how confusing this must all be for you.

Have you spoke to him about what exactly he wants? Does he want to dress like a girl? Does he want to be a girl? Or does he just want to do more girly things. You need to know exactly what he wants so you can decide what you feel about it.

Please do not feel forced too stay in this situation if you are uncomfortable. Most things are just materials and can be replaced.

Hugs

xx

dumdedoodah Tue 31-Jul-12 21:28:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenwichgroove Tue 31-Jul-12 21:31:06

You both need to sit down and have a long chat about where you both go from here

DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 21:32:41

The reason I would lose it all is that I have a low wage job and couldn't afford to live on my own.....so back to the mothers 250 miles away it would be. (not an appealing thought!)

I keep asking him what he wants but he says that he doesn't know himself ,so I feel that I am in limbo. I told him that even though I knew I would prefer this to be something that he does in his own time and even offered to join a club or something so I would be out more.
He says that this isn't enough.He doesn't know where he wants to take it. he wont let me tell anyone so I can't talk it through in real life.

HeathRobinson Tue 31-Jul-12 21:35:08

I don't think you have to make a decision and do anything right away.
Give yourself some time to let it sink in and see how you feel about it.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 21:37:51

dumedoodah I do completely understand your viewpoint and thanks for the vote of confidence about having children. I only wish he had told me in the beginning, as an 18 year old student it probably wouldn't have phased me in the slightest.
I fully respect that everybody had the right to be comfortable in their own skin. If it was a friend who had told me I would most certainly gone on a shopping trip. But my Husband?.......

Duchess First off, un-Mumsnetty hugs.

I will probably be flamed for this post.

I actually know pretty well what it feels like to live with someone "gender confused", I don't think I have ever felt so self-conscious since DP told me, although he told me months after we got together, fortunately not years.

He also told me he didn't want the op and just wanted to dress up a bit so being 18 at the time I decided "okay, I can live with that", wrong! A few months later after experimenting with clothes and such he decided he might actually want the op, I tried to live with it and couldn't and went in a bit of a downward spiral, I told him that I would only stay with him if he promised he would never go public or get the op as if we had children and years down the line he changed his mind, I could not put them through the humiliation of that and would use this to push for him to have no contact, at least in public.

Eventually he chose me instead of another gender and hasn't in 2 years even mentioned it again and no longer dresses up etc, we now have a DS.

Something I really hate, is people who decide to finally tell their partners years down the line and really leave them with no choice. My mind was made up when I met a TS in a gay bar in town while with a TV friend and he was in his mid 40's and was telling us how he finally "came out" to his wife a couple of years back because "he couldn't live like that any longer", he chose dressing as a woman over his marriage and kids and left them. sad

I do believe that it is a real condition and that some can really be born in the wrong body however if that was simply it then surely acting like a woman and being accepted by the other half as that would be enough, genitals and make up (wtf? plenty of women don't even wear make up) are only aesthetics.

I was born in a body that doesn't work properly, I am in agony and exhausted every single day. Would I choose a cure over my family? Would I hell.

I also find it a bit of a contradiction, the people who decide they want gender ops do so because "they cannot live as something they are not" but quite happily expect their partners to change their sexuality without a care about them.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 22:14:38

Thanks SMew. I do believe that it is a condition too. the years of deceit really hurt and I wonder if he has lied to me about this what else is he hiding? Has our whole marriage been based on lies?
I myself am not really a girly girl, I have my moments like the rest of us, but generally live in jeans and don't have a "dressed up" job.
It transpires that my husband has much more interest in make-up than me!
He has always had an artistic side and says he likes the aesthetics of it but he can't see it on his own face so that doesn't make much sense to me.
I asked him if he wanted to go public and tell others, He says not for now but maybe if he felt confident that he looked good........WTF he looks like a bloke in a dress!!!!
Sorry for that statement to any other TVs out there, struggling a bit atm.

My DP did tell people, I told him if he was really serious he couldn't expect me to bear the secret on my own, eventually he told his friends and then his family...

I often too wonder if DP is lying to me now and it's still what he wants, it scares me to death that he could bring it up years down the line.

I think we just have to trust them that this is the only secret, obviously if this doesn't work for you then you will have to make a decision at some point.

And yes, DP also just looked like a bloke in a skirt. hmm I think they must be looking in magic mirrors.

I hope you can pull through this, I really do. sad

thanks

BuntCadger Tue 31-Jul-12 22:51:41

Don't know what to say that's helpful confused

BuntCadger Tue 31-Jul-12 22:53:16

<imagining dh trying to fit into my clothes> roffle

quietlysuggests Tue 31-Jul-12 22:53:35

You have the right to have your marriage annulled in this case, as he withheld something so fundemental from you. It makes me crings to see the magazines with these sad women putting on a brave face of "We get to share our make-up" when their selfish arse of a husband upends the terms of their marriage.

PenisVanLesbian Tue 31-Jul-12 22:56:12

Are you (or he) quite sure what you are talking about? Transvestite is someone who likes to wear the clothes, changing gender is transexualism and is an entirely different thing. Transvestites rarely want to actually have gender reassignment surgery.

QOD007 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:59:22

My friends bil came out as a Tv and is now TS, went the whole hog. It's very very difficult for the children as they grow into the age where "friends" take the piss
She still, unfortunately, looks like a bloke in a dress

BuntCadger It's not a good look...

Quietly That's what gets me, the women (or men in some cases) are just expected to put up with it because they know the other half love them, if they cared nearly as much as their partners did then they wouldn't put them through the humiliation and expect them to put up with a complete change in their sexuality/sex lives, family turning against them etc.

I know many people will look down at my view and say "well they have a disorder" but these people may have a disorder but they could have come clean in the first place! It is utterly selfish to lie to someone because they want a relationship with them then bring this up years later.

YouOldSlag Tue 31-Jul-12 23:04:17

This has happened to me and the marriage failed.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Wed 01-Aug-12 21:47:58

Well today has been one of the most surreal of my life. I have now seen him fully "dressed". hair, make up,clothes,bra!!!!!(struggled with that one!).
He says he wants us to stay together and he is still the same. I find this a bit of a struggle to say the least.

PVL he says he feels feminine but does not want the op or hormones.....I do wonder what lies ahead although that may still be shock on my part. He says he has felt like this since he was 5.

At the moment he doesn't want anyone else to know, so today my work think I have a tummy bug. Not sure how long I can keep that one up and can't actually bring myself to see or speak to anyone. It's left me feeling very isolated though I can appreciate that it is his secret to share not mine.I am also rather embarrassed that I did not know.

I can't work out what upsets me most, the fact that he is TV or the fact he lied.

BuntCadger Wed 01-Aug-12 22:33:06

duchess the whole dishonesty would upset me hugely. It's a big thing to keep from your partner and I'm not sure I could ever really trust dh again if he kept such a massive secret from me. I also don't think I could physically feel attracted to him if he was wearing prettier underwear than I was.

But he decided to share that secret with you (after lying to you about it) and trust me, this is where things get really hard and you realise it's not really entirely just his secret.

Once you start seeing him dressed up and you are the only person who knows about this yet you are expected to live with it, the idea changes.

I hope you aren't too bad after today, if you need any advice or someone to talk to, feel free to PM me, I will offer as much information about the situation I was in and what we have done as you want (that's if you want of course).

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Wed 01-Aug-12 23:57:12

I'm sorry this is happening to you sad

I feel very sorry for people who feel they have been born into the wrong body and want to change that - I fully support them and their right to do everything they can to feel 'right'. It must be a very difficult thing to come to terms with and beyond difficult to tell your parents, friends etc.

However, I have no sympathy with people like your DH who have known since they were young, but have gone ahead, got married etc and dragged someone else into it. It is hugely unfair. It's made you feel like your life together has been a lie and I think the vast majority of us would feel the same.

He has no right to tell you who you can and can't tell - he can ask you. This is not just his 'issue' now, it's also yours - in a bloody big way and he's continuing to be a selfish arse telling that you can't discuss it with anyone. It's your life he's fucking up - you have the right to discuss the impact of this with whoever you want.

Personally, there's no way I could live with someone who feels the way he does and it would be the end for me, but also him having denied me the option of making my life decisions based on the whole truth and not only part of the truth would be a deal breaker.

Good luck working through this - I hope the women who have posted on here having been through it themselves can really help you.

YouOldSlag Thu 02-Aug-12 07:41:37

OP, I truly sympathise.

The first time I saw my now exH fully dressed was really shocking and I screamed. It was like seeing an alien- his face but a totally different body.

When he started shaving his legs and arms and wearing nighties to bed, it was a bucket of cold water over our sex life.

The pressure of keeping it a secret to others was immense. It was a massive shock to me yet there was nobody I could talk to about it. I felt lonely and cut off.

I resented him for putting me in that position and I resented him for changing the man I married into someone I didn't agree to marry.

It also confused me- was I the man or the woman in this relationship now? I felt he took away my femininity and made a grotesque mockery and mimicry of it.

Our marriage didn't survive and he chose not to tell his 2nd wife as she had led a "sheltered life" unlike me who came from "a broken home".

He was actually a nice man, but this was way too much for me and I bailed out.

WearingthatTshirt Sun 05-Aug-12 20:49:44

I've name changed for this but I'm a long time lurker. After all the negative stuff up thread I'd like to tell you something a bit more positive about life with a TV.

My ex DP told me he was a TV when we'd been together for about a year and had just moved in together. Like you I was totally in shock and it took me a while to get my head round it and he was the same. It was only after we started discussing it that he decided he didn't want to be a woman he just liked wearing the clothes and acting as a different persona.This is still something your DH needs to sort out for himself but he needs to look after you while he's going through the process.

I couldn't really deal with exDP just wandering about the house dressed as a woman whenever he felt like it so we put some rules in place. I didn't want him to hide it as I felt that would just push him further away from me so he only dressed when I was comfortable with it and I tried to let him do it as often as possible so that it stopped feeling like a big deal.
This actually worked! It made it much easier for me to see that he was still the same person I loved, just in a dress.

This is going to sound really flippant but the other thing that helped a lot was getting him into ladies clothes that suited him. He had really poor taste and looked so bad when I first saw him dressed I was horrified by the whole thing. It was much easier to deal with when he looked ok in women's clothing.

I don't know if you know about the Beaumont Society but they are really supportive both for the TV and their partner, they helped us a lot and I would really recommend having a look at their website.
Sadly, after all the hard work we put into working out the TV thing it turned out we weren't meant to be for a number of different reasons, none of which were related to him being TV.
PM if you need a chat x

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